Page 34 of The Vanishing Throne

Our second kiss was even more desperate, right in the middle of the battle. My fingers trail up to just above my collarbone where the puckered scar from Lonnrach’s teeth is uneven; it was deeper than the others. The memory there flickers through mymind, quick as a pulse. It was a kiss that said,You carved out a part of me and filled it with a part of you and now you plan to leave me forever.

You have to let me go, he’d said.

I only wanted to hold him closer.

Kiaran stokes the fire again and I pull out of the memory fast. Do I shift away? Would he notice? My cheeks burn, and thank god he can’t tell it’s from embarrassment.

‘I never thanked you,’ I finally say. ‘For not giving up when you searched for me.’I want to take his hand, but I don’t. My fingers curl against my palm. ‘And for finding me.’

Despite my earlier thoughts, I’d rather be here than in the mirrored room. At least I stand a chance of surviving. At least I can fight Lonnrach on my own terms instead of bound by ivy and weakened by his venom.

Kiaran stares into the flames, his skin glowing in the light. I’ve never seen him look more beautiful. ‘If it had been me, you would have done the same.’

‘Aye,’ I reply quietly. The heat of the fire is warm through my coat – too warm. I unbutton the heavy raploch garment.

I don’t miss how Kiaran’s gaze strays to the marks at my neck, the only ones not covered by my coat. Or how he grimaces and turns back to the fire, his jaw tight.

‘You should button back up,’ he says, rather stiffly. ‘Before you catch a chill.’

I can’t help the sting of hurt at that. He hatesmy scars. They’re not badges. I didn’t earn them fighting. I earned them the way an animal in a snare gets its throat slit: restrained and unable to fight back. A prey animal; not a predator.

Now you know precisely how it feels to be that helpless.

Something in me snaps. I’m on my feet and yanking off my coat to toss it to the floor. I shove up my sleeves to bare my arms. I pull the neck of my shirt open until the fabric strains. Kiaran hadn’t seen the extent of my scars. Myshift had hidden the worst of them. I want him to see.

‘Look at me,’ I tell him.

He doesn’t. I notice he sets his jaw. ‘Stop it, Kam.’

‘No. Look at me.’

Kiaran is on his feet with my coat in his grasp. I see that light in his eyes that I remember from the mirrored room. The cold, hard rage that I’d never seen from him.

He shoves the coat into my hands. ‘You’ve made your point,’ he says. ‘Now I’ve seen them.’

When he backs off, the Violent Aileana from the mirrors rises in my mind. One minute, I’m standing by the fire. The next, I have him pinned to the wall, my arm pressed to his throat. The coat is discarded on the floor.

‘Do you think I’m not ashamed? You trained me to resist, and Itried,’ I say, hissing the words. ‘Until one day I was too tired to fight him anymore and Ilethim.’ My voice is rough with anger. ‘I let him, and I have to live with that. You don’t get to judge me for it.’

The moment I release Kiaran and step away, he grasps me by the arms – then he has me pressed against the wall in his place.

He doesn’t speak, not even as his fingers trace the marks on my inner forearms, then back up again along my neck. His touch is featherlight, slow. As if he’s committing each scar to memory, one by one.

When his gaze meets mine, it’s intense. Like he’s staring into my soul and pulling up every secret and emotion I’ve worked so hard to bury.

‘You’re wrong,’he finally says.

‘Am I?’ I think of his grimace, how much it hurt.

‘You think I can’t bear to look at them, that I believe these mean you’re weak.’ Kiaran’s fingers are at my pulse now, thumb sliding down to my collarbone. ‘That couldn’t be farther from the truth.’

Kiaran leans in and his lips brush the scar at the top of my shoulder. He doesn’t know that’s the memory of our second kiss. Right. There. ‘When I see these I’m tempted to break my promise and kill him for what he did. I want it to be me, not you.’

‘Why didn’t you just tell me?’

He continues his exploration to my other shoulder. Where we met, when we were first bound together. I close my eyes when he pauses.Don’t stop, I almost tell him.It’s been too long. Don’t stop.

‘Because I’m still learning,’ he says quietly.

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