Page 66 of Cop Blocked

“I’m not cut out to do this. How many more deployments will there be?” She puts her hands on her hips and glares at me. “Have you ever, for once, thought about me? About us? Do you know how hard it is to sit by the phone, waiting for a call? Never knowing if you’ll be coming home? It’s bad enough that you’re a cop. I live with the fact that you could be killed in the line of duty every day. And then things like this happen. Did you think, for once, that you should check in with me? Let me know that you were okay? Instead, I’m watching the news and have to hear about what happened to another cop. This isn’t the life I envisioned.”

The typical condescending tone in her voice digs in while her words slice me in two.

We’ve moved to Tallahassee, I transferred to a Reserve unit and took a civilian job to be home more like she wanted.

“You’re doing this right now? I leave in three days, and you decide this is it? You want me to choose you over my career?” I close my eyes and count backward to try and calm the rage threatening to take over. “You want me to give up everything that makes me who I am. And don’t give me a bunch of shit for not calling you. I’m well aware of what the news reports are saying. As you’re well aware, I’m not a damn SWAT officer, and shit went down before I even left the house this morning. Have you stopped to think how fucked up things were for all of us today? Do you have any clue what we all have to go through when something like this happens?”

“No, Logan. I already know you’ll never choose me.” One lone tear rolls down her cheek. “I’m sorry. I tried. I did. I loved you. But I don’t love this. I can’t do this anymore. I tried to tell you this before. You didn’t want to hear me.”

That’s a lie. I heard her. I thought we’d somehow overcome this. I thought she understood that I was committed to serving my country. To protecting our freedoms. It’s in my blood. It’s my calling. I compromised when my contract was up, giving up active duty and thinking that would make things better. Apparently, that still wasn’t good enough.

“You’re right, Ensley, when it comes to the Marines, when it comes to protecting my home…I’ll choose my career. Every. Single. Time.”

My country.

My brothers.

My unit.

My family.

The guys who saved me from the demons that haunted the twenty-one-year-old me. Saved me from the life I would have had otherwise. They taught me discipline, how to be a man. Gave me things I lacked at home, especially with a father who thought it was okay to beat on our mother.

If not for the Marines, I wouldn’t have been able to set a better example for my brother Ryker.

They gave me the means to get out of the hell hole we were living in. It was too late to save our mother, but I like to think I somehow saved Ryker. And kept myself from turning into another statistic.

“Right. I know. It’s always the guys at the station or your Marines. I wanted a family with you, Logan, but I can’t commit to a man who will never be here.” She sighs before picking up her suitcase. “I’ll have everything out before you leave. I’m sorry it ended this way.” Her voice drops, and I wonder if she feels any remorse for breaking my heart.

This is really happening. She’s walking out of my life. I’ll be damned if I try to stop her.

The front door clicks shut behind her, and I make my way to the kitchen, reaching for the bottle of whiskey I kept on hand for special occasions. Pouring the dark amber liquid into a glass tumbler, my hands shake in fury. One long swallow, the whiskey burns as I lose control, flinging the now empty glass against the wall. It shatters and falls to the floor in splintering pieces just like my heart.

Swallowing past the lump in my throat, I take a deep breath and remind myself that Rachel is not Ensley. And, if she is, better to find out now and cut my losses.

Pulling into the driveway, I cut the engine and hop from the truck. Grabbing my bag from behind the seat and shaking away the last of the awful memories, I head inside. Smokey and Lucky greet me with enthusiastic meows, begging for attention. Cody’s left the key I gave him on the coffee table, and everything is exactly how I left it, not that I ever had any doubts. Ever since…the split, one of the guys has always graciously offered to look after things while I’m away.

For a split second I wonder if Rachel would be willing to help out this time around, and worry she’ll say no.

I’ve got to shake this notion that something terrible is about to happen with our relationship. Sure, it’s been a few months, but we’re solid. And Rachel knew all along who I am; if she couldn’t handle it, she would have walked away before now.

THIRTY-FOUR

Rachel

Icouldn't have asked for a better night celebrating both of our birthdays. It was an excellent way to enjoy one of our last nights together before Logan left for his two weeks with the Marines. Truth be told, I’ve spent almost every night, reliving what happened after we got home from the bar. Every single touch, and every orgasm he gave me.

I’ve had to replace the batteries in B.O.B. five times, a record for me.

Now, I’m sitting by the phone, waiting for a call from Logan to let me know he’s back in town. I have no clue what I’m doing, and I’m terrified that maybe I’m doing it all wrong.

A week ago, when I was lonely and missing him like crazy, this all sounded like a good idea.

I got a babysitter for Piper. Switched shifts with another nurse at work, so I’d have off. Spent the day making lasagna and cookies, as well as doing all those pain in the ass girlie things we do to make sure we look good.

Talk about a major learning curve, though.

I have no idea what to expect when he gets back.

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