Page 109 of Cathmoir's Sons

“Don’t indulge Rach, either,” Kellan warns. “She’s going to want to dive with us. She’s a good diver; a strong swimmer. I’m not saying she isn’t. But she’s almost three months along. Half-fae or not, Air-witch or not, she shouldn’t be diving.”

“No argument from me,” Lords says. “Honestly, I’m not sure she will want to dive. She’s nesting. I haven’t been able to lure her out of the Ember Palace in days.”

“Good.” Kellan nods. “If you can keep Rachel at Thistlemist during this hunt, do.”

Lords snorts. “I’ll try.”

Chapter 30

The Anticline

KELLAN

After Evan finally takes the hint and heads back to Thistlemist, I draw Rhodes onto one of the comfortable couches in the lounge and curl around him.

“Tell us what happened,” I urge him.

He tucks his head down. Luca cuddles into his other side and we press our heads together, wrapping Rhodes in the circle of our caring.

“He-he left a note. It was ... deliberate.”

I rock him gently. “I’m so sorry, Rho.”

“He could have talked to me,” Rhodes says, his voice hitching. “When I saw him at practice, he seemed okay.”

I don’t give him platitudes. It’s not his fault. There’s nothing he could have done. People who commit suicide sometimes seem “better” before they carry through. None of that’s comforting in the face of his pain and guilt.

“Did he say why?” Luca whispers. “What was he struggling with?”

Rhodes nods, his forehead sliding against mine. “It’s strange. What he said reminded me of something but I can’t quite placeit. He said he couldn’t take it anymore, that his brain had turned against him. Everywhere he looked, all he saw were nightmares. He couldn’t get any rest. I feel like I should know what he was saying but I can’t quite connect it.”

I rub his back. “Had he said anything similar before?”

“When we messaged back and forth over the break, he said he was having trouble sleeping but it got better after exams. I figured it was just the usual stress of exams. I should have paid more attention?—”

“Rho, did he ever say he was considering suicide?” Luca asks.

“No, I’d have gotten him to the healers straight away.”

“Then don’t blame yourself. You were a good friend and a good captain?—”

“Not good enough,” Rhodes says, covering his face with his hand.

I push his hand down and kiss his cheek tenderly. “You reached out to him over and over. You were there for him. He didn’t tell you what he was going to do because he didn’t want you to stop him. It wasn’t a cry for help that you missed, Rho.”

“But I could have stopped him,” Rhodes whispers.

“No, you can’t take that on yourself,” I say, stroking his face and kissing him. “You also can’t take that choice away from him. Mourn him, love. Tell us stories about him so we all remember him as fondly as you do. But don’t disrespect his choices.”

“But—” Rhodes hangs his head. “I understand what you’re saying.”

“Avenge him, Rho,” Luca adds. “Find what drove him to take his life. Whether it was something magickal or mental illness, there are things we can do to remember him and honor his life. But don’t ever believe that his death was your fault or that you could have prevented it.”

“Like what you’re doing for Doctor Prince?” Rhodes asks, his voice flat and quiet.

“Yes, an endowment for the swimming program or something. You’ve always said the program needs its own personal trainer.”

“We can do that,” Law says. He’s sitting in a facing chair as we console Rhodes. I hadn’t even noticed him sitting there, although I was aware he hadn’t left the house. The subtle awareness of my consorts’ whereabouts is always part of my thoughts now.

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