Page 21 of Maddog

He held my gaze, really staring at me. I could see the truth in his eyes. “You really would, wouldn’t you?” I know I sounded a bit starstruck, but honestly. Jax was my hero, as well as my only love.

“Yes. I really would.”

“Also, I don’t want to have kids.” I couldn’t stop myself from blurting that out. He needed to know this, though. It affected his future as much as it did mine.

“Sweetheart, if you don’t want to have kids, I’m good with that. Could you tell me why? It’s your body and with everything you’ve already been through I could understand if that’s why you made your decision.”

“Partly, but not really. It’s the specter of the cancer coming back. I know that there are studies showing pregnancy hormones can sometimes stimulate cancer growth or even revive dormant cancer cells that didn’t completely die. I don’t want to die, Jax. While it’s selfish on my part, I also don’t want to leave my child without his mother. I’m not sure I could do chemo knowing I was pregnant, and I don’t think I’d want to get an abortion. So, my options would be to do the chemo regardless of the risk to a fetus or hold off on the chemo until after the baby’s born. Which would likely be a death sentence.Ifmy cancer comes back. I’d rather adopt or foster. It’s considerably lower risk all the way around and I could still have children.” I ducked my head. “But that’s all unfair to you. So I get it if you can’t do this. Just tell me now.”

He was silent for a moment, then he stroked my jawline tenderly. “I think you’ve clearly thought about your decision from several different angles. And I agree. But if you change your mind at some point, we’ll get Blade to walk us through everything and help you make the decision that’s best for you. I’d never risk your health -- mental or physical. And that kind of event would do both.” Jax’s gentle smile made my eyes mist over again. “A parent is the person who loves and raises you. Sometimes you don’t find that person -- or people -- until you’re an adult. So, any child I bring into my home to care for will be my child. Biological or not. Also, there’s a ton of kids around the compound to spoil. You know that from growing up here.”

“Why are you so reasonable?” I slapped at his chest as I yelled at him. Those blasted tears started in full force again. “You weren’t supposed to agree with me!”

He gave me a genuinely puzzled look. “I wasn’t? Why wouldn’t I?”

“You’re supposed to act like aguy! A guy would bitch and moan about not having offspring or an heir or whatever. If you did, it would make you seem less perfect and I could finally find a reason to back off before I lose myself completely.” I was acting crazy and I knew it but, Goddamnit, I was scared!

Jax looked confused for a moment, then realization dawned on him and he rolled his eyes. “Maddog, you are not gettin’ rid of me that easily. Besides, I already gave you my property patch in front of your parents. You accepted it. No take backs.” He narrowed his gaze and pointed a finger at me as if daring me to defy him.

I laughed, more relieved than I’d felt in a long time. “Fine. No take backs. I don’t know why I’m trying to push you away. I don’t mean to.” It was the truth. It was also far too late for pushing him away to do any good. I was already in love with him. The damage was done.

“You’re pushing to see if you can find my boundaries. You’re pushing the ones most important to you first. I can respect that. When it’s all over and you finally realize I not only know exactly what I’m getting into but welcome it a thousand times over if I get to have you be mine, I’m going to remind you of this conversation. There’s not a Goddamned thing I wouldn’t do to keep you, Holly. Not one Goddamned thing.”

“I’m holding you to that,” I quipped. “No take backs.”

He grinned. “Good. I’m holding you to it as well.”

Not giving me time to continue the conversation, Jax kissed me again, building me up to where I was before things took a serious turn. Now, I wanted to feel. To learn. To pleasure. And I wanted to do it all with Jax.

With a contented sigh, I surrendered completely to him. There was no better man for me to give my virginity to. Not only would he be careful with me, but he’d make sure I enjoyed it. It wasn’t in Jax to do anything else.

Chapter Eleven

Jax

Holly was breaking my heart. She actually thought her not wanting to risk getting pregnant was a deal-breaker for me. She’d soon learn that I wasn’t going any-fucking-where. And just let anyone try to make me.

I stroked her skin from her neck down her collarbone and the scar from her chemo port right below it, over her breasts, down her ribcage, and to the tops of her thighs. She lay passive beneath me, only stiffening once when my fingers traced the raised area.

Leaning in, I kissed the offending spot, laving my tongue over the ridge in a tender caress. “Does it still hurt?” I didn’t think so, but I was never taking a chance on accidentally hurting her.

“No.” Her voice was a mere thread of sound. Her eyes were glazed and she looked almost as lust-stupid as I felt. The recent serious conversation hadn’t fully left her and let her settle into the moment.

“It makes you more beautiful, you know.”

That got her attention. Her eyes widened and she shook her head slightly. “I… What?”

“This scar.” I traced it once again with my tongue before placing a kiss over it. “Shows how strong you are. You fought a daunting adversary. I suppose you’re still fighting it. But you came out of your last battle on top. Maybe battered and bruised, but you won. So yeah. This scar, the scars on your arms from the IVs. How you consider your future carefully and know what you’re willing to sacrifice and how to achieve your dreams in an alternate way.”

I kissed her chin. “Baby, I hate that you went through what you did. I saw how hard it was. I witnessed how hard you fought. I hate every single bit of it. But it made you into the woman here in my arms now. I know you’re strong. I know you’re a fighter. I know you are capable of making anything you want happen. Even though you’re one of the most capable and tough women I know, you’re still willing to admit you need help. Or to put yourself in my care and trust me not to let you down.”

I grinned at her and watched in satisfaction as she gasped when I gave into that smile tugging at my lips. “You have no idea how sexy that is to a guy like me.” I took her lips then, kissing her harder this time. I thrust my tongue deep and she whimpered, but opened her mouth wider, tangling her tongue with mine. When I pulled back, I stared hard at her, making sure she held my gaze. “Do not ever think your scars repel me. They are badges of honor. Wear them proudly.”

She nodded her head, probably on instinct. When I used that particular tone of voice, it usually sent men scattering. At least, the men I commanded in the field did. In the Black Reign compound, I was low man on the totem pole. Most of the guys still saw me as the gangly teenager trying to keep up with a defiant Holly and her hell hounds in the form of Saint Bernard dogs. She’d had a whole herd of them at one point. Then a little Holly of about nine approached El Diablo and announced he needed to get her a trainer for the dogs so the puppies could be service dogs, and that the fully trained and ready dogs should be donated to people who need them. Especially kids. I’d helped El Diablo make it a reality.

“There really is nothing in this world I wouldn’t do for you, Holly.” Then I qualified my meaning. “Except for leaving you. I can’t give you up to another man. No one but me can appreciate you the way you should be. No one can protect you as savagely as I will.”

It took her several seconds to blink away the stunned look on her face. Probably because I let my ruthless side peek out. Then it was her turn to roll her eyes. “Are you gonna talk all night or fuck me?”

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