Page 12 of Maddog

“Why? You’re thinking the same thing.”

“Yep. But if I show that kind of disrespect to you, your mother would never forgive me.” He gave me a sheepish grin. “And your father would kill me.”

“Who says it’s disrespectful when it’s what I want?” I put my chin up. The thought wasn’t as embarrassing as it probably should have been.

“Your dad says it’s disrespectful when, A, it’s our first time together, and B, when I haven’t given you a property patch yet. Not saying I always agree with him on that, but with regard to you?” He chuckled and shook his head. “His opinion is the only one that counts.”

I opened my mouth to argue, then realized how stupid it would sound. “You know, you’re right. Not sure why I even thought about arguing the point.”

“Good. Because once we get home, you and I need to have a conversation. Then, what you and me do willingly, in the privacy of our own home, ain’t none of anybody’s Goddamned business.”

There was no way to stop the smile from curling my lips when I felt like anything other than smiling. Anger. Sadness. Pain. Even grief. Jax had always had a way of making me smile even through all the chemo treatments and tests after my leukemia was in remission. If he couldn’t make me laugh or smile, he pissed me off. Well, until he figured out it was easier to piss me off sometimes. When he did that, I toughed it out to spite him. It was over before I knew it.

“There’s my girl. My little Holly Sweetness.” Jax pulled me closer, wrapping me up in his arms tightly. There was no way for me to not snuggle into him. There were very, very few times in my life when I let him hold me like this. All of it revolved around being sick in one way or another. Only when I was at my very end did I allow it, and during those times, Jax was the only one I wanted.

“Did you know how much I needed you? When I was sick, I mean.” I spoke softly, barely able to get the words out at all. “Sometimes.”

“Yeah, baby. I didn’t really understand it back then, and it was different than it is now, but yeah. I knew.”

I trembled in his arms but clung so tightly I was afraid he’d call me out on how shaky I was. Then, to my utter horror, tears started to leak from my eyes in steady streams. I wanted to let him hold me, to use him as a human shield to hide me from the rest of the world like I used to when I was small. Jax deserved better than me using him, though. I wasn’t going to sound like a wuss when I confessed my feelings though.

“Jax.” I pushed back slightly. I still clung to his shirt, but I had to look at him when I said this. I needed to know his true feelings so I’d know how much trouble I was in. “I’m only going to say this once, so consider yourself warned.” I took a breath. “I can’t… pretend with you. I can’t do casual. I can’t even have any kind of romantic relationship with you, then lose you. I’m probably already too far gone because when I think about being scared, or in trouble, or in pain, the only person I’ve ever wanted to be with me is you.”

He grinned, then opened his mouth, probably to tell me something like all he’d ever wanted was to be my rock to lean on or some equally sappy bullshit, but I cut him off. “I’m not even sure I could leave you now and walk away for good without leaving a huge piece of my heart behind. So you’ve got this one chance. We’ve known each other long enough to know if we can spend our lives together. Don’t make a commitment if you don’t think you can honor it. If you can’t, put a fuckin’ screeching halt to this… whatever it is, between us because if you decide a week from now or a month from now or a year from now that you want one of the club girls, I’ll fuck you one last time. The second you come, when you let your guard down, I will fuckin’ stab you in the kidney. Both kidneys if you don’t make me come first.” There. That sounded tough enough for the road name Maddog.

Jax blinked down at me in surprise. Then he grinned. “That’s good to know.” He pulled me back to him, squeezing me tight. “You’ve got nothin’ to worry about, Holly Sweetness.”

“That’s the second time you’ve called me that. Only Uncle El calls me that.”

“Have you noticed he does that with all our women? He gives each of them an endearment for a nickname.”

“Yeah. I figured it was his way of showing affection.”

Jax nodded. “In a way, I suppose. But, more importantly, it’s his way of reminding us how precious our women are to us all. I learned that lesson well the first time I sat with you after a chemo treatment when you were five.”

“You were nearly an adult. Why were you spending so much time with me when you should have been out drinking and getting laid?”

That got a bark of laughter from Jax, real merriment dancing in his eyes. “God, Holly. Don’t ever fuckin’ change.”

“I’m just sayin’! Why did you give up so much of your time to stay with me? Especially when I was so awful to you.” I kind of felt bad about that. “Still am awful to you.”

“It’s your love language.” Jax gave me a big smile. “And I’m not too proud to admit I like goading you. Besides, when you fought me, it kept you too busy to cry.”

I wasn’t sure exactly how I expected Jax to respond, but this wasn’t it. My first instinct was to scowl at him but it didn’t last, and the tears came even harder. Jax closed his arms around me, surrounding me with… him. He murmured softly to me, rubbing my back occasionally with one big palm.

“I thought you were angry with me.” I blurted out my worries without thinking. “Before. When you found us during the fight.”

“Why would you think that, baby?” He didn’t loosen his hold or even let me pull away. Instead, he tightened his hold on me and actually lifted me. I let out a soft whimper but wrapped my legs around him. He carried us back to that small room. The crew area was beyond the half wall, a long aisle separating left and right with canvas chairs along the walls. I caught sight of Chris and Andrea. Chris was in pain, and Andrea looked scared. Her gaze met mine and she started “crying” again. Probably with no messy tears and snot like before. Thankfully, the moment didn’t last and Jax kicked the broken door so that it blocked most of the opening, separating us from the chaos of my life on the outside.

“I… Because…” God, I hated feeling this fragile! I’d been doing OK until I saw Andrea again. She’d utterly played me. I still didn’t know exactly what the plan had been, and wasn’t sure I wanted to. It made me doubt my judgment. Specifically, it made me wonder why a man like Jax would want someone like me long term. And I told him the stark truth. I couldn’t have him only to lose him. Losing him would destroy my heart.

“Honey, I can’t understand why you’d think I was angry if you don’t tell me what made you feel that way.”

“You didn’t seem to… You pushed me away and…”

“Christ, honey,” He sat on the cot, his back to the wall, urging me to straddle his hips. He still held me close, like he didn’t want to let me go.

“I know you were trying to protect me, looking for more of those fuckers, but it still felt like a rejection, so it’s not you. It’s me.”

---