Page 70 of Hell & Back

He swung his legs over the side of the bed, his feet hitting the floor. He rubbed his tired eyes with the heels of his hands and groaned. Fuck, he was sore all over. He tried to remember what he might have done that would cause him to wake up feeling like someone had beat him with a ball bat, but came up empty. He remembered getting a blowjob from Sherry at Bottom’s Up, then coming back to the clubhouse to get shitfaced. Neither of those would have left him feeling this stiff and achy. Shoving himself to his feet, he stumbled into the bathroom. He cranked the shower on and brushed his teeth while waiting for it to heat up. He waited until he was in the shower, then pissed down the drain. Damn. Was it his imagination or did his piss smell like booze?

Once he was finished, he made quick work of drying off and getting dressed. If he wanted to feel remotely human he was going to need some coffee and lots of it. Maybe the caffeine would get rid of the rest of his headache that the hot shower had failed to do. He left his room and ventured down the hall to the kitchen. Seeing it was empty, he wondered how he’d gotten so lucky. He wasn’t in the mood for idle chit chat. What was wrong with him? Why did he find such relief in avoiding his brothers?

Probably because he had yet to fill them in on what happened during his imprisonment. There should be no problem with him telling them considering they risked a great deal coming to get him. A part of him was afraid of what they might think of him when they discovered he’d been weak and cheated on Kylie. That he continued to be weak. None of his brothers would judge him for his actions, but he figured they would lose respect for him. He was aware that they all considered him a loyal, honorable, trustworthy man. What he’d done and had been doing wouldblow that image out of the water. He didn’t even want to think about what the old ladies would think.

He went straight to the cabinet containing the coffee cups and found the biggest one he could find. He filled it with coffee and added three teaspoons of sugar before taking a quick taste. He added one more and called it good. His eyes roamed around the room, stopping on a box of doughnuts sitting on the center island. He snagged one out of the box and half of it disappeared in one bite. Pushing the door open with his shoulder, he started heading toward church.

He took a left at the end of the hall and stopped in his tracks, his heart stalling for a beat. Kylie was standing outside his bedroom door, her hand raised as if to knock. She looked completely unsure of herself as her teeth worked her bottom lip. Damn it. Seeing her uncertainty as to whether or not she should try to see him killed him. Things between them had never been awkward before all this. Everything had just flowed naturally. There was no one to blame but himself for the distance between them.

Frozen in place, he continued to watch her. Her strawberry blonde hair was in a messy knot on top of her head with little wisps already trying to find their way loose. She wore pregnancy jeans with a burnt orange sweater that hugged her belly and her favorite worn work boots. She looked sexy as fuck.

Kylie was his dream woman. Never in his life had he thought he’d ever find her and when he did and she already belonged to his best friend, he thought Tuck was a lucky bastard. He wasn’t happy that she belonged to another man, but he was content to at least be in her life as whatever she needed him to be. Then she and Tuck shocked the shit out of him by asking him to join their relationship as a third. His friend had known what he hadn’t even admitted to himself. Darren was in love with Kylie as much as Tuck was. Being a part of their relationship had been the bestthing in his life. He’d never been so happy. And now thanks to Crockett, it was all fucked up because Darren was all fucked up.

He loved Kylie with every piece of his soul and he hated what she was going through right now because of him. Especially after what she just went through with Tuck. The honorable thing he could do for her would be to walk away until all of this bullshit with the drug cocktail he’d been given went away and pray that maybe she might forgive him when it was all over. He was afraid to hope that they’d forgive him and let him back into their lives, but if he could just be friends with her again like before, he’d settle for that. This constant internal battle he fought damn near every minute of the day was taking its toll. He felt like he was losing his mind and he didn’t know how much longer he could take it before he broke down and fucked someone. Trying to fight the pain that denying himself sex was creating was getting harder to ignore. Only coming once a day did nothing to take the edge off. Honestly, it only made things worse.

Part of him wanted to be able to go home and let Kylie be the balm he needed to get through this shit, but the decent part of him said he was crazy. Even if Kylie could take the near maddening urge he had to rut on her, the number of times he’d need to do it would be way too much for her while she was pregnant.

With Kylie outside his door something hit him. She would be here every day because of the work she did for the club. He couldn’t hide in his room every day and he couldn’t always avoid her. He was going to have to come up with different living arrangements until he got a handle on what was going on with him. Maybe he could stay at a motel for a little while? Maybe he should leave town? Surely, the effects of the drug wouldn’t last too much longer.

“Darren?” The sweet sound of Kylie’s voice, jolted him out of his internal revelry. How long had he been standing therestaring off into space, before her voice registered? Had she been trying to get him to snap out of it more than once?

He cleared his throat. “Kylie. What are you doing here?”

She hesitated, still studying him, then replied, “I was coming to see you. I wanted to know how you’re doing.”

“About the same, I guess. Did you need something?” He took a drink of his coffee, pretending there wasn’t a damn thing wrong with him.

“Can we talk?” She held so much hope in her eyes. It felt like a knife stabbing his heart that she even had to ask. He’d wanted to avoid her at all costs while he was so tempted to give in to his urges, but it would be wrong. Not giving her the time to talk to him would be a dick move considering how much they’d been through.

“Yeah, sure. You wanna go in my room?” He motioned toward his door with his coffee cup. He followed her inside, closing the door behind him. He remained near the door because he was now scared as shit of a little woman. She took a look around and her nose wrinkled. He wasn’t sure if it was due to the state his room was in, which was a complete disaster, or if she smelled something. He took a deep breath and it hit him like a two-by-four. He might have taken a shower to get the stink off him, but his room smelled like stale alcohol. He wondered how she didn’t get sick. Then he felt even deeper shame that she was seeing and smelling this. He’d never been a neat freak, but he always took pride in what he had and kept it neat and clean. Yet another blow to his ego and one more reason he should steer clear of her.

“Are you going to eat that?” she asked.

“What?” She was staring at his half eaten doughnut. “Oh, you can have it.” He handed it to her, his limited hunger gone. He watched her as she finished it off in two bites. She licked her lips and fingers clean, then smiled at him.

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” One side of his mouth hitched up, unable to fight the feeling her silliness provoked.

“Anyway. I’m not going to beat around the bush considering we’re not strangers no matter how much you’re trying to be.” Her hands fisted at her sides and her head tipped back so she could look up at him.

“Okay?”

“When are you coming home?”

He’d hoped to talk to Tuck first about him not coming home and possibly leaving town for a while. His friend would probably deck him and tell him not to bother coming back and Darren couldn’t blame him. He deserved it. What he didn’t deserve was Kylie. And she absolutely didn’t deserve what he was about to tell her.

He rubbed the back of his neck and immediately realized he’d used his hand with the sticky fingers from holding his doughnut and rubbed harder to get the glaze off his neck. “I’m not.”

“What?” Her eyes squinted and she tipped her head like she hadn’t heard him right.

“I’m not coming home. As long as I’m fucked up like this, I’m not coming home.”

“Darren,” she took a deep breath like she was searching for patience. “I know you have a lot going on, but the three of us are in this together. We have each other’s backs through everything. Tuck and I can’t help you if you don’t come home.”

“I’ve already told you I can’t because I’m scared I might hurt you. I won’t chance doing something that might jeopardize you or the baby. I couldn’t live with myself if I did.”

She took a step closer. “I love you, Darren. Please come home.”

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