Page 56 of One Life to Loathe

I tried to keep my breathing even. “I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

“I’m just saying that we’re not compatible, but I’m the sort of person who will fool myself into believing that we’re compatible.” There was resignation in her eyes. “I’m already getting attached to you, and it was one night. If we try to do a temporary thing, I’ll forget and then I’ll be crushed.”

Why did it feel as if I was the one being crushed?

“You’re a good guy, but you’re a guy who is searching for something specific,” she continued. “You don’t want to stay here. Whereas when I look at Salem, I can imagine this being my forever home. I’ve always hated the West Coast.”

To buy myself time, I latched on to that statement. “Why do you hate the West Coast?”

“I just do. It’s more modern I guess, and I like when there’s a sense of history surrounding me. There’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t like those things. They’re just what I like.”

I nodded. “I guess I can see why someone would like those things.”

“I also want children eventually,” she said. “I want a home. I’m pretty sure you don’t want those things. If we keep at this, I’ll be the one with the broken heart because I’ll be the one who can’t stop dreaming.

“Even though you’ve been forthcoming with your desire to not get attached and just explore the spark, I’ll start saying things like ‘what if I could change him’ and ‘what if I could make him love me.’ That’s not fair to you because you’ve been honest. You can’t keep trying to change someone. It doesn’t work.”

I raised my hand and cupped her cheek. “I don’t want to hurt you. I’ve never wanted that.”

“I know.” Her smile was simple. “I’m a little too soft. People have always said that about me.”

“No.” I shook my head. “You’re not too soft. You’re perfect. I’m the one with issues.”

Amusement slid over her features. “You do have a few issues. You’re honest about who you are, though. I appreciate that. I’m just trying to be honest in return.”

I wanted to argue with her, explain that I didn’t know what I wanted because I’d never allowed myself to consider the question. That wasn’t fair to her, though. She was right. As much as I didn’t want this just to be one night—and, man, I was already aching for her again—the odds of her being hurt if we dragged this out were high.

I didn’t know much about myself right now. I’d been floundering for so long I couldn’t even imagine what solid ground looked like. I did know that I couldn’t promise heranything, though. As much as I wanted this feeling to continue, I would be the one hurting her.

And that was something I just couldn’t live with. Hurting her was a bridge too far, and I couldn’t punish her for being honest. I should’ve been grateful that she thought she could develop feelings for me at all. I’d spent the bulk of my life believing I was unlovable, and she was telling me that was wrong. Iwaslovable. I just couldn’t give her what she needed.

“Come here.” I pulled her close and hugged her, combing my fingers through her hair. “I’m sorry I’m such a jerk.”

“I’m sorry you are, too. It’s okay, though. I think you’re trying not to be a jerk.”

“I always try. I just never succeed.”

“Well, keep trying. Eventually, you will succeed.” When she pulled back, her eyes were glassy. “Someday you’re going to be a really great gift to someone. I hope we’re still friends when it happens because I would like to see it.”

I’d never felt like a gift for anybody. More like a burden. I nodded, though, because she was putting her heart out there and I felt as if I owed her the same. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. Last night was great. I’m going to remember it when I’m old and gray.” Her dimple came out to play. “We just can’t keep it up because I’ll fall apart, and if I lose the showandyou, then it will truly be over for me.”

I wanted to tell her that wasn’t true, that she was selling herself short. I didn’t because what she said made sense.

I allowed myself to hold her for a few more minutes, then I forced myself out of bed. My clothes were scattered around the room, and I took my time dressing, but only so I could stare at her in the bed.

It took everything I had to open the door so I could exit. When her door fell shut, it echoed in my heart. I took two deepbreaths—this is what’s best for both of us—and a single step. Then I realized I wasn’t alone in the hallway.

Jax, already showered and dressed for the day, arched an eyebrow as I extended my keycard toward my room.

“Hey,” I said lamely, doing my best to square my shoulders and act like I wasn’t doing the walk of shame.

“Hey.” Jax’s expression told me he wasn’t buying it. “Late night?”

“I was just out for a walk.” I wanted to smack myself in the face that lie was so lame.

“Really?” Jax’s lips curved. “In the same clothes you were wearing last night?”

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