Page 55 of One Life to Loathe

“Trying to commit this to memory.”

“What?”

“This feeling. Your scent. How warm everything is.” When she tilted her head back, her eyes were clear. “I know this is going to sound weird but this is a perfect moment.”

My heart seized. Was she going to take this to a weird place? Was she going to turn psychotic? I could work with it if she was really a closet clinger. I could turn this all around on her and make my escape.

“I know we can’t keep it up,” she continued, causing a different sort of emotion to wedge itself in my chest. Was that regret? It felt a lot like regret. “It’s a really nice moment, though, and I want to enjoy it before … well, before you decide you’re going to be mean again.”

My hand was stroking down her hair before I realized what I was doing. “I’m not going to be mean.”

She laughed—how was that funny?—and I wanted to go back in time until just before she’d woken up. That was my perfect moment. Sure, this one was nice, too. I would never get that feeling back again, though. The one that had filled me with hope for just a few minutes. It was gone.

And why was she laughing about it? I didn’t like that she was seemingly okay with the expiration date that was currently ticking down.

“You can’t help yourself from being mean,” she replied. “I get it. That’s how you protect yourself.”

Her beautiful face was guileless as she propped her chin on my chest and looked up at me. “I don’t expect you to get down on one knee and propose. I can tell you’re worried that I’m going to get clingy.”

I didn’t want her to know that I’d been thinking that exact word only minutes before. “I don’t think that,” I lied. Was it a lie,though? Maybe I was just hoping she would become clingy so I would have a reason to run.

“You do, too.” Her laugh made everything even warmer, and I found myself adjusting my grip on her. Once she pulled away, I would never feel this way again. I was convinced that this was it. This was my happiest moment.

When had I started worrying about happy moments? Good grief.

“I’m not worried about you being clingy,” I insisted. “Knock it off.” She was ruining the moment.

“Whatever.” She ran her finger over my chin. “We should probably talk.”

Dread filled my gut, and I pulled her tight. “Not yet.”

“Still sparking?”

I didn’t have to think about it. “Yeah.”

“Bummer, huh?” Her smile made me think of angels singing.

“It is. I don’t want this moment to end.” It wasn’t as hard to admit as I envisioned. “And yet…” I trailed off.

“And yet,” she agreed. She didn’t pull away, but the emotional distance between us broadened. I hated it. “We should figure this out.”

“What do you mean?” Hope surged in my chest. Did she want to somehow keep this going? I had no idea what the logistics would look like, but I didn’t see why we couldn’t at least consider it.

Maybe we could keep it on the down-low. We could act as if nothing was happening at work but then sneak around at night. We could keep sparking until it died and then part as friends. That didn’t sound impossible.

“I mean that we can’t ruin the show.” Sam struggled to a sitting position, keeping the covers around her breasts and denying me a little thrill. “I’m going to be honest with you.”

I had to drag my gaze to her face.

“I could develop feelings for you.” Her cheeks filled with color as she stared down at the blanket and started plucking at it. “Even though you’re mean, when you’re nice, I feel this … pull. It’s not just the sexual spark.”

I considered the thought that I might be dying. My chest was suddenly so full of—what was that? Hope?—that I thought I might actually explode.

“You don’t want what I want, though,” she continued. Clearly she didn’t understand that I was going through some sort of ordeal because she was calm as she chose her words. “It’s okay, you know. You’re not letting me down. I went into this last night knowing what it was.”

“And what is it?” I was breathless when asking the question.

“We’re attracted to each other.” Her smile was impish when she pointed it at me. “That doesn’t mean we can make it work. You don’t want any of the same things that I want. You don’t even like this show. You would be fine with it being canceled after one season, and I want ten seasons so I can enjoy it.”

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