Page 54 of One Life to Loathe

Fancy that.

I was careful when opening my eyes. The warm feel of a body pressed against mine told me I was wrapped around Sam. Sure enough, when I did manage to make out our sleeping arrangement in her dim room, I found she had curled into the little spoon and I was the big spoon holding her tight.

Geez. Were we cuddling? I never cuddled. In fact, I preferred not waking up with people at all. I was a hot sleeper. Having someone next to me in bed made that all the worse.

And yet here I was. There was zero room between Sam and me, and I was the one holding her.

Crap.

I leaned back far enough to get a glimpse of her face. The room was dim because the sun was only beginning to rise outside. As autumn kicked into high gear, the sun would rise later and later and it would set earlier and earlier. For now, though, I could make out the graceful tilt of Sam’s neck as she lightly snored away.

If you would’ve asked me how I felt about a woman snoring two weeks before, I would’ve said it was something I would never put up with. I needed absolute quiet to sleep. I wouldn’t expect a woman to put up with my snoring either. In fact, I wasn’t opposed to faking snoring to get rid of someone under the right circumstances.

Yet here I was, wrapped around a woman making the sort of noise I associated with death and I didn’t want to be anywhere else.

On a sigh, I closed my eyes and memorized the feel of her body against mine. She was warm, soft in all the right places, and she made little sighing noises between the snores. I wasn’t even remotely a cuddler and yet the idea of having to let this woman go—and Iwouldhave to let her go—was almost more than I could bear.

In an effort to drag out our one morning together—once she woke up she would likely kick me out of her room—I lightly traced my finger over her arm and marveled at how smooth her skin was. She smelled like blueberries and vanilla, and she had a small mole on her shoulder that looked like the state of Michigan.

She was beautiful … and serene … and I wanted to keep her. Desperately.

That wasn’t in the cards, though. I was not meant for a long-term relationship and even if I was, I couldn’t give her what she needed. She wanted stability … and happiness … and I could offer neither of those things. I couldn’t wait to get off this show,and she wanted to ride it into the sunset. We were very different people.

And yet look how well you fit together,my inner voice taunted.

It was difficult not to focus on the way her perfectly sculpted bottom fit into my lap, or the way her back melted into my chest. My hand was on her stomach and it fit perfectly over half of her ribcage.

Dammit!Why was I still feeling the spark? This was supposed to put an end to that. We would’ve had an awkward two weeks or so, but the abject agony I’d been feeling whenever in her general vicinity for the past week would’ve been gone. That was the plan.

It clearly wasn’t going to happen, though.

Sam made a murmuring sound and shifted in my arms, my heart skipping ten beats as she rolled to face me. My reaction was automatic. I adjusted the way I was holding her and pressed her front to my front. If possible, that was even worse. Now I could feel her heart beating against mine. They were in the same rhythm.

I closed my eyes and tried to force myself to see reality. This couldn’t last. I would hurt her. As good as she felt, I was going to be happy when this show was over. Heck, I didn’t even have to wait for it to be over. If the first season was a hit, I could leverage that into new movies and leave the vampires in the dust.

Sam looked at this place as a forever home. She hadn’t come right out and said it—she was careful not to make herself look weak in my presence—but it was obvious she was thinking it. She loved everything about Salem. She was proud of this show and would happily spend ten seasons on it so she could get to do what she loved.

That was not me. I didn’t want a home. The last home I’d had—the last place I didn’t think of as temporary—had been takenfrom me when I tried to protect my mother. I’d lost everything in the process, and I would never forget that feeling. Not ever. I was too damaged to be with Sam.

You’re with her now.

I ruthlessly shoved the voice out of my head and forced my eyes open. I recognized the moment before Sam was going to open her eyes and I found myself staring. I had to see it. I wasn’t disappointed when confusion momentarily took control of her facial features.Here comes the frown. That will be next. She’ll push you away.

Sam didn’t frown, though. She smiled. That was her automatic response to me.

In that moment I wanted to throw away everything I believed, abandon every defense mechanism I had, and bury myself in her for the rest of my life. I didn’t even care if I ever got another acting job. I had enough money to buy a bar in Salem. Sam and I could do our own thing, spend every day and night together. We could be happy and wake up this way every morning.

That wasn’t reality, though. I knew that. As hard as it was to accept, it was reality. I couldn’t keep her. More than that, I couldn’t make her happy. Didn’t Sam deserve to be happy?

What about you? Do you deserve to be happy?

I ignored my inner voice and smiled. I knew exactly how I was going to play things out. “Morning, sleepyhead,” I teased. “That’s quite the hairdo you have there.”

I thought for sure Sam would pull away from me to touch her hair. She was the self-conscious sort. Then I would be able to remind myself that she’d been the one who pulled away. She did the opposite, though.

“Yes, I’ve always been famous for my bedhead,” she agreed. Her voice was thick with sleep and her smile was impish as she leaned close and pressed her nose to my chest.

“What are you doing?” I was beyond confused.

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