Page 102 of One Life to Loathe

“That’s not what I asked,” he countered. “What do you want your future to look like? Everybody has to make compromises. Before you can do that, though, you need to figure out what you want.”

“I only see one thing when I try to imagine that.”

“And what’s that?”

“Sam smiling. I just see Sam smiling.”

“Are you standing outside of a movie premiere when she’s smiling?”

“No.”

“Are you drinking warm cider and eating doughnuts?”

“No.”

“Then perhaps you don’t need what you think you need to be happy.”

He was starting to agitate me. “What does that mean?”

“I can’t answer that for you. You need to figure it out yourself.”

“Then why are you here?”

“Because you won’t ask yourself the hard questions.”

Yup. I was definitely agitated. “Basically, all I’ve figured out is that I want Sam to be happy.”

“I think that’s a pretty important breakthrough.”

He would think that. “I need to know what to do.”

“What do you want to do?”

I wanted to wrap Sam in my arms and never let her go. I also wanted to prove all the naysayers wrong and have a good career. The problem was, if I got what I wanted professionally, Sam would be left behind. She wanted this show to be a hit. Then she wanted to make Salem her home for good. She didn’t want to spend all of her time traveling. I, on the other hand, freaked out when I thought about setting down roots.

How could we make this work?

“I can practically hear the gears in your mind working,” Alexander said. “You’re thinking too hard. The answer isn’t as either-or as you’re imagining.”

“How can you be certain about that?”

“Because I know. You have to know yourself before you can make it work, though.”

“And how long is that going to take?”

“I’m not sure. If it’s any consolation, you made it to this point in your development way faster than I was expecting. Perhaps you’ll figure out the rest of it on the same timetable.”

I pressed the heel of my hand to my forehead. “Can’t you just tell me?”

“No.” Alexander fervently shook his head. “This is one of those things you need to figure out yourself. If I tell you, then I’llbe the one controlling your destiny. You need to be the one to do it.”

“Because I didn’t get to control anything when I was a child, right?” I was being sarcastic, so when Alexander agreed, I was flabbergasted. “Not everything is because of my childhood,” I insisted.

“Isn’t it?” Alexander turned the car around and started back toward town. “Tell me that when you picture yourself winning the day in those action movies that it’s not your father’s face you see in place of the bad guy.”

“I’m not in touch with my father any longer. He has no bearing on my life.”

“And yet here you are, trying to make sure you become the man he never could. You want to be more successful than him. Even though you’d never considered it before, you want to be a better partner, too. That’s why everything inside of you is focused on Sam now.”

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