Page 15 of The Main Event

Iwas exhausted the next morning, but I knew if I didn’t show up for my regularly scheduled yoga session at Divine Strength that my mothers—and Levi—would never let me live it down. Since I’d been distracted—new bosses will do that to you—I’d forgotten to do my laundry and was left with only a single pair of clean yoga pants. They had rhinestones on them and spelled out the words “take a bite” on my rear end.

Ah, well, thankfully I was familiar with all the regulars. I might garner a few jokes but that would be it.

“There she is,” Mom said when I trudged into the studio. Her smile was wide. “We were starting to wonder if you were going to make it at all.”

“Would I miss yoga?” I dropped my bag on the bench by the front of the studio and kicked off my shoes.

“You’ve missed it before,” Rosie replied. She was on the floor, her feet pressed to Levi’s feet as they held hands and stretched. “I seem to remember a few misses.”

“I think you’re mistaken.” I flopped on the floor next to Mom. “I missed like once when I had that date that was so bad I started drinking before the appetizers.” That wasn’t a happy memory.

“Ah, yes.” Mom bobbed her head. “The guy who insisted on comparing investment portfolios.”

“That’s him,” I agreed.

“We called him the cupper,” Levi offered. “Not only was he an investment douche, but he was also a little free with his hands.”

Mom’s forehead creased. “So … he stole cups?”

“Oh, you’re cute.” Levi released Rosie’s hand and leaned right so he could poke Mom in the cheek. “He liked to cup other things … like breasts and butts.”

Mom’s mouth fell open. She was scandalized. “You didn’t tell me that!” Her tone was accusatory.

There was a reason I hadn’t told her that. “It wasn’t a big deal,” I assured her. “I handled it.” With a hip to the groin if I recalled correctly.

“You should’ve told me,” Mom insisted. “I could’ve got the girls together, and we could’ve stalked him.”

She said that like it was a good thing. “I really don’t want to be responsible for thirteen lesbians following him around Boston and calling him names,” I replied.

“Twelve lesbians,” Mom clarified. “Candace is bisexual.”

“When was the last time Candace actually dated a man?” Levi countered. “You can’t be bisexual if you only play for one team.”

“We don’t believe in rules,” Mom countered. “We believe in authenticity. If Candace says she’s bisexual, we respect that.”

I waited for the inevitable follow-up.

“Even though she’s clearly never seen a penis in real life because she keeps going like this when talking about them.” Mom held her hands a good foot apart. “I’ve tried to tell her that’s not a real thing outside of porn, but she doesn’t listen.”

I had to press my lips together to keep from laughing. “If I ever saw one that big, I would run and hide,” I admitted.

“I’ve seen big ones before,” Mom replied. “Your father, for example, is very well endowed.”

I frowned. “I don’t need to hear that about my dad. Geez.” I closed my eyes and willed the images she was putting into my head to disappear. “Why did you have to tell me that?”

“I thought you would be interested.” Mom reached for my hands. “We need to stretch. It’s a free day today so we can do whatever we want. I thought we would just do our own thing.”

In other words, she wanted to stretch and gossip. Since I felt hungover even though I hadn’t imbibed the previous evening, I was gung-ho for her plan. “I’m good with that.” We held hands and took turns stretching backward.

“So, how is your new boss?” Rosie asked as she went back to stretching with Levi. She exchanged a quick look with my best friend, one that promised trouble for me if I wasn’t very much mistaken.

“He’s a putz,” I replied. I was certain Levi had already filled them in. “He’s threatening my job.”

“I thought you swooped in and saved the party last night,” Mom countered. “Doesn’t that mean your job is safe?”

Oh, it was cute that she thought that. “Just because I saved one party last night, that doesn’t mean my job is safe. He thinks I make too much money.”

“Obviously, George didn’t think that.” Mom looked annoyed. “You bring a great deal of money into that hotel.”

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