Page 7 of The Amendment

“Yeah. I just couldn’t believe I’d let myself slip. Of all the things I’d done, I’d never cheated on you before. You’d kept me sober. Because this is an addiction, Ainsley. It’s the only way I know how to describe it. The pull…the need to do it, it’s unlike anything I could try to explain. I’d been clean for all those years, but I slipped. I was like an addict, going back to the thing that always managed to make me feel…good, numb, I don’t know. It made me feel something when nothing else would. And then I found myself slipping more and more. No matter how hard I tried to stop, no matter how badly I wanted to tell you the truth, I couldn’t. I couldn’t be honest, because I thought I’d lose you. I deserve to lose you.” My voice cracked as I said it, but it was the truth. What I couldn’t understand was why she was still there in the first place.

“But if you weren’t killing people when we got married and built the house, why did you have the roombuilt in the first place?” she asked, her eyes inquisitive rather than judging.

Why was she so perfect?

“I don’t know.” I looked away, toward the dark window. If someone were to look in at us, we’d look like an average couple having a boring conversation over a mostly empty dinner table. It amazed me the secrets you could hide by appearing average. “I guess it was just sort of a backup plan. Just in case.” I wasn’t sure if she believed me, despite it being the truth, so I added, “Look, I’m very clear about who I am. No matter how badly I want to be better for you. I’ve always known deep down that I’m not a good guy. I knew if I ever relapsed, I’d need a place to hide the bodies. I hoped I’d never have to use it, but I needed somewhere to go, just in case.”

“Creating a plan B was your problem, Peter. Somehow, creating a plan B always makes certain that we’ll need to use it.”

“I realize that now.”

“So why did you go in the room tonight? I’m giving you one chance to tell me the truth.” As if to prove her point, she took another sip of her drink and placed her hand on the edge of the table, ready to stand.

“Illiana,” I blurted out. Shoving my hand in my pocket, I produced her bracelet. “I took care of her.”

She stared at the bracelet with an expression I couldn’t read. Was it horror or pride? “You…”

“I didn’t rape her.” I scowled. “I killed her. I didn’t have a choice. She put us all in danger. She had to go.”

Slowly, her eyes lifted to meet mine. “What did you do with her body?”

“She’s with him,” I said simply. “It’s all taken care of.”

I saw a flicker of something in her expression. Something warm. Appreciative. I’d done the right thing, even if it was awful. “And that’s hers?”

“I was going to put it in the bag.”

“Why the souvenirs?” she asked.

“I don’t know.” My shoulders dropped. “I wish I did. It’s like…sometimes, after it happens, I can’t remember if it was real or if it was all a dream. Collecting something from them…it keeps me planted in reality. It reminds me they were real.”

She looked away, and I wondered if I’d crossed a line. Any semblance of warmth that had been present moments ago was now gone.

“I’m done with all of that, though. I promise you I am. Now that you know, now that I can talk to you, you can help me.”

“But will I ever be enough for you, Peter? Even when you weren’t killing… What about Seth? How many others have there been that were just affairs? In some sick way, I can almost look past the murders. But the affairs are different. They’re personal.”

Seth.

I grimaced, looking down. “It’s not like that.”

“You said it was different with him. Was he the only one?”

“Yes,” I blurted out. “Look, Seth never knew the extent of what I’ve done. He… He caught me out with a woman.Once.I was terrified he was going to tell Glennon. And I knew then it would only be a matter of time before it got back to you. So, I tried to buy myself time by telling himthat we’d had a rocky few months. That’s when he told me the truth about his marriage to Glennon. I knew the only way to keep him quiet, to be sure that he wouldn’t tell Glennon, or you, was to start seeing him. To convince him that I was falling for him.”

“So it was all a lie? You didn’t have feelings for him?”

“Never more than just as a friend. I thought I was doing what I needed to in order to keep you safe and happy. I convinced him I was confused… He was trying to help me figure out my sexuality. With his shitbag parents, he understood that more than most. Eventually, I was going to tell him that I wanted to stay with you. But Glennon caught us together before I had the chance. She was supposed to be gone for a weekend, but she came home early. That’s when she gave me the ultimatum to tell you, or she would. And…well, you know the rest.”

She nodded, but she still wasn’t looking at me. “You really hurt Seth. And me. And Glennon.”

“I know that,” I admitted, reaching for her hand again. To my surprise, she didn’t pull it away. “But it was all to save our marriage. You may not see it that way, but it was always to protect you from who I was. Because despite everything, I’m crazy about you, Ainsley. I want to be with you. I want to be everything you deserve. Maybe I went about it the wrong way, but it’s always been with earnest intentions.”

Her gaze flicked to me finally, and I saw a hint of tears in her eyes.

“Please don’t cry…”

She dusted her cheeks quickly, drawing her lips inward with a sniff. “I’m just processing.”

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