Page 6 of The Amendment

“This has nothing to do with you. Do you hear me? It’s not you. It’s me.” I smacked a fist into my chest. “I’m broken, Ainsley. I can’t explain it. I can’t… It doesn’t make sense. Not even to me. I love you. I love our kids. I don’t want to be this person.” I reached across the table, touching her hand gently, but she pulled it back.

“But youarethis person, Peter. At least, half of you is. And, try as I might, I can’t figure out how to hang on to just the half of you that doesn’t hurt people—myself included.”

My mouth was too dry. I licked my lips, trying to think. Trying to come up with something—anything—to say to make this better. “Look, I can’t take back what I’ve done, but I can stop. I promise you I can. I haven’t hurt anyone in more than a year.”

“You’re still lying to me,” she said pointedly.

“What are you talking about? I’m not!”

“Then why were you in the room?”

“I…” I could try to lie, I knew. But what if she found out? Now was my chance to come clean about it all. To lay myself bare and let her decide if she could handle the real me.

A fleeting thought crossed my mind: what if she couldn’t?

What if she couldn’t handle who I was?

Would I have to…

No, the thought was impossible. I’d sooner turn myself in than ever harm Ainsley. I loved her too much.

“I can just go in there and look, you know. You thought you were so clever having that room built, didn’t you? Did you really think I wouldn’t find out why you were spending so much time in the garage? You’re not exactly a handyman, Peter. Eventually, you had to know I’d wonder why you were sneaking out in the middle of the night. And the code, the pattern for the kids’ birthdays, was easy enough to guess.” She tutted. “You’re predictable, Peter, even when you shock me.”

She’d find nothing if she went and looked, so I was tempted to invite her to do so. The bracelet remained safely with me, and there was nothing else to clue her inabout Illiana, but part of me wanted to admit the truth. She knew just about everything, yet she was still here.

“Are you planning to leave me?” I asked, swiping my sweaty palms across my pants. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to hear her answer over the sound of my racing heart. I wasn’t sure I wanted to.

“You should know by now that’s not an option,” she replied. “We’re in this together. You and me. But you promised no more secrets, and you broke that promise. So—” She looked away, shaking her head. “I’m not sure what to do with you.”

“I want to be honest with you, Ainsley, I do. I just hate myself. I don’t know how you can look at me, knowing what I’ve done. What I’ve—”

She slammed her palm down on the table, startling me. “The pity party is officially over. I saved you, Peter. I sent the cops on Stefan’s trail. I gave them all the evidence they’d need to fill in the blanks for him being the serial killer.I saved you.I own you. But youwill notlie to me. Whatever you’ve got going on—however dark—as long as you’re honest with me, I promise you we can get through it. But you have to tell me the truth. About everything. The kids are gone for the night; this is our chance to lay it all out once and for all.”

“What do you want to know?”

“Everything. How it started. Why you went into that room tonight. Who else knows about this.”

I nodded, my hands trembling. “Okay, fine.”

“Start talking.”

“I, um…” I ran a hand through my hair, trying to think. “Well, it started in college. When my parents got divorced. It’s not an excuse, but…I was in a dark place. There was this guy—my roommate. It was just something he did. It wasn’t… I mean, I never started out planning to hurt anyone, you know? I needed to let off steam, and it just happened.” Her face was still and solemn as she waited for me to continue. “I needed to feel in control of something. And, I did. I didn’t…it was never about the women. It was always about me. And then…then I met you.”

Her head tilted to the side as if something had just occurred to her. “Wait, was I supposed to be one of your victims?”

A lump formed in my throat as I recalled the night I met her. The drugs in my pocket, just waiting to be used. But something about her had stopped me. She was bossy, hard to please. She didn’t laugh at all my jokes like the others had, didn’t hang all over me as we danced. In fact, she’d ignored me most of the night, if memory served. I liked that. Craved it. In some sick way, I wanted someone who’d make me work to please them. Someone who could point me in a direction—any direction—when I felt so utterly lost and alone.

“Peter,” she snapped, still waiting for an answer.

“Sorry. You were…yes.” Honesty was harder than I’d expected. If this was a surprise, she didn’t react. “But I couldn’t go through with it. I fell for you so fast, Ains. I loved you that night, I’ve told you that. And I stopped. From the moment we met, I never hurt anyone else. You were all I needed.”

She pursed her lips. “Until I stopped being enough.”

“I’ve told you, it had nothing to do with you.” She looked unconvinced, so I went on. “It was me. Thisbrokenness inside me. I’d kept it at bay for so long, but I couldn’t do it any longer. The first time was this one night…after one of our biggest fights.” I tried to bring back the memory I’d spent so long trying to repress. “It was when Lae Haer was struggling financially. Before we brought Beckman in, before his investment. We’d been fighting and drinking, and I felt like everything was all my fault. Like I couldn’t do anything right. I couldn’t provide for you. I couldn’t take care of you and the kids.”

“I remember that fight,” she said softly, staring off into space. “You were gone for the night. You said you’d slept at the office.”

One of my many lies.

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