Page 40 of The Amendment

“You can. You are.”

But was he? The unspoken question was obvious to us both.

“Have you ever thought about leaving me for someone easier?” he asked, reaching out and twisting a strand of hair around his finger.

We were silent for a moment, both staring at each other in complete silence. Finally, I took a breath and said, “When I met you, I thought you were perfect. You charmed my parents, charmed me. You made me laugh. Made me feel safe. You were ready to settle down when I was. You gave me Dylan. You were—are—the best father to him. I have so many good memories of who we used to be. Do you remember how we used to go to restaurants and order our favorite food for each other? Or when we spent the summer exploring every waterfall in Tennessee?”

“Sure.” He smiled wistfully.

“So, when I found out what you were doing when you were supposed to be working late all those nights, when I found out what you were capable of—it shook thefoundation of the world I knew. I couldn’t rationalize how the man I knew, the man I loved, was capable of such terrible things. But it didn’t mean I stopped loving you. I stopped understanding you. Maybe I stopped respecting you. But I still loved you, Peter. That never faltered.”

Thinking back to those days—watching him playing with our children, helping me clean up after meals, and doing the yard work side by side—all while knowing what he’d done, it was as if I was existing in two alternate realities at once.

For me, so much stayed the same, while at the same time, everything had changed.

It reminded me so much of the early days after bringing Dylan home—our first baby. The moment when our entire world flipped. Everything was simultaneously the same, and yet, completely different. We were the same people, but we’d never feel the same again.

Finding out the truth about the man I’d married put me in an identical foggy state for months, if not years.

Sometimes, I wasn’t sure I’d ever left.

“When I was in high school, there was a boy I thought I loved.” I rolled my eyes, remembering the feeling well. “My parents hated him.”

Peter snorted with a small laugh. “Good.”

I narrowed my eyes at him playfully. “Which only made me love him more. You know how my parents are—they make my parenting look lazy.”

“That’s not true—”

“Oh, but it is. My mom picked out my clothes until I graduated high school. She determined what I did and when, who I hung around with, what sports I played,what I ate, what I wore, what color my nails were painted…”

I’d told Peter most of this, but I hadn’t completely laid out a picture of how controlled my childhood was before. “For the longest time, it was just easier to go along with whatever she wanted. But when Ryan came along, it was different. It was the first time I’d ever rebelled. They tried everything to keep me from seeing him: grounding me, taking away my phone privileges, calling the school to ask that we be kept separate. They took away my car and started driving me to and from school again. It was a whole thing, but that only made me more determined to see him. I snuck out constantly, I skipped school… I stopped caring about everything but him.”

“You’ve never told me any of this before.”

He was still playing with my hair, and I gently took it from him, needing him to focus on what I was saying. “No. I didn’t think it mattered before. It was so long ago.” I tucked both my hands up under my cheek on the pillow. “But after we’d been dating for a while, Ryan started getting into trouble with drugs and drinking.”

“How old was he?”

“Nineteen at that point. I was seventeen. Watching him going down that road was…terrifying, to put it mildly. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so out of control. I did everything I could to bring him back, but I couldn’t. He wouldn’t listen to me… There was no reasoning with him. He thought he could take care of himself, but anyone could see from a distance it was going to end badly. And it did. He overdosed just before his twentieth birthday.”

“I’m so sorry,” Peter said, drawing in a breath. “I had no idea.”

“That was when I realized why my mom tried to control me as much as she did. Because to her, control was love. She was keeping me safe. As much as I hated it then, I wished I’d been more like her when it counted. I thought if I’d been better at controlling him, I might’ve saved him.”

His eyes softened, giving me a pitying look that made me feel sick. “You know that’s not true.”

“I know I couldn’t have saved him, yes, but then I met you, and I later discovered your secret and it was like my chance with Ryan all over again. I don’t think I ever put it together until recently. I just kept thinking about him—not because I miss him or wish I was still with him, but because this situation makes me feel like I’m reliving all of that. It’s like my second chance.”

I stared at him, wondering if I was making any sense. “All I want to do is save you, Peter. From yourself. That’s why I am the way that I am. That’s why I’m with you. Because to walk away, to leave you with your demons until you destroy yourself…” I trailed off, shivering. “I’m not sure I’d survive it.”

He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me in close. “You’ll never have to, Ains.”

I rested my cheek against his chest, inhaling his scent. This was where I was the happiest. The safest. Despite all our issues, Peter was the only place I’d ever felt at home.

“Which is why I want to create a new arrangement.” My voice was muffled against his chest, and I felt him stiffen, then pull back.

“What? I thought we’d agreed that was a horrible idea.”

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