Page 23 of The Amendment

“So it makes you feel powerful, then? Good? Does it make you feel…feelgood?”

He hesitated, his eyes dancing between mine as if contemplating denying it, but already I could see the light in his expression.

He was remembering.

He’d left me for the moment, stepped back into a piece of his life I wasn’t a part of.

I needed to bring him back. “You can be honest. I need you to be honest.”

“It’s the best feeling in the world.” He didn’t break eye contact with me, in a split second of pure vulnerability, and I knew the way I handled this would be the determining factor in where our conversation went. I needed him to trust me, above all else. I couldn’t focus on my own conflicting emotions; Peter was all that mattered.

“Okay. Tell me more…”

His expression changed again, the vulnerability washing away, his eyes burning dark. “It’s…it’s like… In that room, in that moment, I’m the whole world. I’m the whole world, Ains. I control everything. Whether they live. Whether they die. I’m the only one who gets to control any of it. In the beginning, they beg me to give them mercy, but by the end…they’re begging for death.” As if he hadn’t meant to say it, the dark desire in his eyes disappeared for half a second, gauging my reaction, but when I didn’t budge, it returned. “It’s the only thing that makes me feel like I have any control in this world, Ainsley. We go through so much of our lives being controlled by others—our jobs, the government, our parents—” He didn’t sayour wives,but somehow I knew it was next on the list. My fingers tensed in my lap, though he didn’t seem to notice. He’d let me in, finally. I couldn’t ruin that. “And so much is uncontrollable anyway.Everythingis uncontrollable, really. Except this. With this, I’m in complete control. It’s exhilarating. Like the only time I getto feel alive. It’s hard to explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it.” He glanced down at the bedspread, seeming to realize where he was. His face clouded with uneasiness.

I needed to say something. Anything. “I know what you mean.”

His eyes bounced back up in shock. “What?”

“I may not know exactly how it feels, but I do understand what you’re saying. That night with Stefan, once I’d gotten over the terror of it all, it was invigorating. In the worst and best way.”

“But it’s different…actually doing the killing.”

“I may not have swung the bat, Peter, but I brought him here and practically handed it to you.”

He pressed his lips together but didn’t argue, though I could see he wanted to. I didn’t force the issue.

“Knowing you’d seen me for what I was that night, knowing you’d seen me cross that line, worrying you’d seen me enjoying it… It was the most terrified I’ve ever felt.”

I flinched as he said the words. “Do you…do you miss it?”

He was quiet for a second, then pushed himself off the bed and walked across the room, away from me. For a moment, I thought he was going to leave, but instead, he sat down at my vanity, staring at himself in the mirror.

“Peter?”

“I miss it every single day. I have to fight against it, actively stop myself from thinking about it… Every time I have a bad day at work, or we get into a fight, or my parents or brothers drive me crazy, literally all I want to dois find someone and kill them. Destroy them. It’s the only thing that brings me clarity.”

I was silent, letting what he’d said wash over me. For a long time, I’d known what my husband did. I’d known his darkness.

But knowing it and hearing it from him firsthand were two different things. As much as I’d told myself I could be okay with everything, I found myself conflicted. I was a woman, after all. I was raising a daughter. It was men like him that made life harder for us all. Terrifying for us all. But that didn’t stop me from loving him. It didn’t make me want him less. I just had to find a way to prove that to him.

“Well?” he asked when I didn’t immediately respond.

My eyes flicked up to meet his in the mirror. “You were right. You are a monster.” His shoulders fell, and I stood up from the bed, moving toward him. I crossed the room, reaching him at the vanity and touching his shoulder gently.

When he turned to look at me, I wanted to wash the shame from his broken expression. I wanted him to see how much I still loved him. That our love was all that mattered.

“But you’remymonster. And as long as you’re completely honest with me, I’m not going anywhere.”

CHAPTER TEN

PETER

Afew days later, I’d just stepped out of the office when my phone began to buzz in my pocket. My mind flashed to Ainsley and the kids, wondering which of them it might be and what might be wrong, but those worries were quickly replaced when I saw the name on the screen.

Jim.

“Hello?”

---