Page 116 of Hidden By His Side

She stared down at his hand as the doctors explained the vaginal laceration that had caused the bleeding, along with the additional genital injuries and trauma they had treated. It all sounded very technical, the words they used. Summer clutched at Ramiro’s hand, her nails sinking in as her breathing got more and more raspy.

When she was able to look up, the doctors were gone.

Ramiro was crying. His eyes were red, his upper cheeks soaked. His breath shuddered as he wiped at his face with his bandaged hand.

She couldn’t look away from his face. There in front of her, the fear and guilt she kept shoving away slammed her from all sides.

“Are you hurting now?” Ramiro took another shaky breath, another swipe at his face. “They offered things to help. Don’t—” He swallowed. “Don’t not say anything, if you’re hurting.”

She shook her head, unable to force out any words. The numbness inside was melting, replaced by a darkness that wasn’t cold at all. No, a fire spread, one that threatened to burn her to ash.

She pulled away from Ramiro’s hand, seeing the bleeding marks she’d left behind.

“They hurt me.” Whose voice was that? The words had come from her, but she needed to stop them. Ramiro was already upset. He was still crying. Her feelings were only going to hurt him more, but they were too much. They burned too hot to keep inside.

“They hurt me,” she said again, “and you weren’t there.”

Ramiro flinched. “I know.”

“You weren’t there. They hurt me, and you weren’t there!” It was like she hovered outside of her body, watching the words hit him and unable to stop them.

Ramiro’s eyes glittered before becoming empty as he stared down at her bruised hand clawing into the sheet.

“Days,” she told him. “They raped me for days.”

Ramiro’s body shuddered before he locked it down, holding himself still.

He’d been shot. There was no way he could have come sooner. He would have come, if he could have. She knew that. It wasn’t fair of her to be so angry, but the anger felt good. Below it writhed something darker.

“I needed you,” she said, the writhing inside becoming worse when he flinched again. Her darkness was infecting him. Sheneeded to make him leave. If she pushed hard enough, he’d leave, and the writhing would be all hers. It wouldn’t spill over onto him anymore.

His shoulders curled inward. He’d never looked so small.

Summer turned her head away. “I needed you, but I don’t need you anymore,” she choked out. “It’s too late. Get away from me.”

His breath hitched, but then his hand found hers, gripping it tightly. “No.”

Tears streamed out of her eyes, and she kept facing away from him as a sob broke through.

“I love you, Summer. I’m never leaving you.”

She shook her head. “No.”

“Yes. I’m staying. I’m not taking my fucking eyes off you again.”

“You don’t know!” She turned to him again. “You don’t know what they left inside. The hate. The fear. The—”

Disgust. A writhing shame that made her not want to live. She couldn’t say it. Saying it out loud would let it spread.

“You can’t love me,” she whispered.Ramiro leaned in closer. “You’re wrong. I love you more than anything. If I’m alive, it’s to be with you.” He squeezed her hand almost to the point of pain. “Your anger isn’t wrong, Summer. Don’t hide it from me. Let me have all of it.”

Her breath shuddered. Her face twisted. “You weren’t there!” she shouted as her body curled up, as she remembered trying tostay just like that even as they pulled her legs apart. “They hurt me!” she sobbed out, her eyes squeezing shut. “They hurt me.”

Ramiro moved closer, his face against hers, his bandage scratchy against her forehead. He said nothing, just breathed the same air, his breaths as raspy as her own. He clutched her hand and stayed with her. She kept shouting the same things over and over again, venting all of her anger and fear until her voice got too hoarse to say any more, and he stayed through it all.

Then he said the words again, the ones she wanted so badly to believe. “I love you, Summer. So much.”

She cried in his arms, the feel of them around her better than what she’d imagined to keep the darkness at bay.

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