Page 50 of Elemental Affections

Except, perhaps not heronlyrelief.

“Why did you encourage me in this?” she grumbled.

Ezzyn chuckled as he pressed his lips to the back of her shoulder. “I seem to recall you throwing a snowball at my window.”

“Yes, but you could’ve spoken against the idea. Let me fail.”

“Perhaps I wanted an excuse to hold your hand.”

Dae pretended to gag as she stuffed her book into his face. They were enjoying a rare quiet weekend morning together, the first since the carefree two days they’d had at the start of this … arrangement. The word seemed too neat, too cold, but calling it a relationship didn’t fit, either. Their time defied such warm thoughts when, in ten weeks, she hadn’t managed to stay overnight again until just now. No expectations, no feelings. Her experience with relationships might’ve been skewed by so many years stuck with Brint, but when she was creeping back to her place after a desperate hour or two with Ezzyn, or kicking him out late at night because she had an early morning cram session, their situation didn’t seem like the real thing.

“It’s coming along. Your layering enchantments have a decent success rate, and the ice additions had promising results in the last trial.” Ezzyn set the book aside. “Now, no more studying. We had a deal, Anadae.”

A sheepish grin snuck across her face even as she protested. “You were asleep!”

Ezzyn tutted. “You were the one who insisted on boundaries.”

“Now I see why you were so agreeable only if there were penalties.” She made a show of contrariness as she went to her knees before him. Dae had insisted on a number of stipulations if their arrangement was to work. She’d figured Ezzyn would argue, or that they would realize trying to have a discreet casual sex plan was simpler said than done. How could they go from sleeping together to colleagues in the lab or classroom?

With relative ease, it turned out. It annoyed her to discover that she was more the problem—Ezzyn seemed to go from personal to professional as if flipping an internal switch. She was the awkward one, at first. Blushing at inopportune moments. Getting flustered during seminar. Trouble concentrating when they were in the lab. He had been patient, the serious one, keeping them on track.

Only during their brief trysts did he tease her for it. Made something of a game of any lapses. No play at work or work at play. Loser paid for it on their knees. Or back. Not that either truly “lost,” literally or figuratively. Dae was a quick study in compartmentalizing, and regrettably, they hadn’t had much time together for distractions to bleed in. It was almost similar to the middling phase with Brint, the times when they would come together for short, heated moments before returning to distance.

Almost. Brint was never warm, there only enough for physical needs to be met, Dae an afterthought. Ezzyn was present, always. Sometimes sweet, other times demanding, never dismissive. Still looked at her with the same desire as the night of the masquerade. Even though theirs was an arrangement of just sex, the original condition of no expectations hanging in the air, she never felt like a piece of meat to him. They didn’t speak of relationships or feelings or of the possibility of more.

But she thought about it. Subconsciously at first, then against her will once she’d noticed. Little things: how tender he was with her, even in the times when they were quick and rough. Gentle touches. The way he held on to her, lingered,savored.Remained enthusiastic as ever to kiss her. He didn’t speak of attachment, yet his praise made her feel like the center of his world.

Even now, as she swallowed him down to the base, he caressed the side of her face. “Gods, you’re beautiful.”

She sucked on him, humming in pleasure. Worked her way back up to his tip, laving the ridge beneath his cockhead with the speed and pressure she’d learned he liked best. She softened her throat for him, welcoming his thrusts. Didn’t spill a drop when he came, satisfaction warm in her belly to hear how he groaned her name. How passionately he kissed her after. Brint had never done such things. From him, she hadn’t wanted them.

It made Dae comfort herself as she redressed, indulging the thought that maybe they could. That this could be real. It was all in her head, just secret and pretend. Thoughts never to be spoken. And yet. She was due to spend the afternoon at Eunny’s repair café. Maybe catch up on the neglected last two letters she’d had from Calya. Activities of Dae’s real life, not this carefully constructed duality with Ezzyn. Work and play. Their lives beyond those two boundaries of the school were off limits. It was a path that led to expectations. She couldn’t have that. Didn’t want it.

And yet.“It’s an open craft day at Song’s Scrap,” she heard herself say. “I’m stopping by for a few hours.” She didn’t pause in the gathering of her books and random extra belongings she’d managed to scatter around his kitchen. From the corner of her eye, Ezzyn went still.

“I don’t know how much use I’d be. I’m not particularly handy or crafty,” he said with a rueful shake of his head.

“Eunny’ll find a way to put you to work,” Dae said before her brain caught up. Had she overstepped? Crossed the invisible line they’d agreed upon? Mistaken his polite deflection as doubt rather than discomfort and thus made everything worse?

“But maybe that’s a reason not to go,” she added, forcing a smile. “I’m sure you have a hundred things to do before winter break. Gods all know I do, so this isn’t really wise time management or—”

“Anadae.” His voice was soft, gentle. “I don’t want to infringe on your time with your friends.”

“I know,” she said, all brightness, biting the inside of her lip to keep her smile intact. “I appreciate that. Truly. I was afraid this might—but it’s good. We’re good.”

She had to get out of there before her babbling made her do something irreparable. Dae stuffed a last paper into her bag and went toward the door.

“I’ve got study group tomorrow, so I’ll see you when I come in for the lab.” She waved, slipping out the door as he murmured a reply.

Excellent fucking idea, Ana,she thought, stalking back to Vanas House. She’d broken a rule—of their agreement but also one of her own. One she hadn’t paid any attention and had thus forgotten. The nascent little thoughts, the silly daydreams that had lived in her head. That were supposed to stay there, where she could play out the scenarios of a relationship with Ezzyn and have it remain make-believe.

If it was all pretend, she didn’t have to envision what it would be like when he said no.

Eunny put her to work darning holes in a pile of knitwear, from hard-wearing sweaters to a pair of child-size mittens.

“It doesn’t have to be pretty, just functional,” Eunny said.

“Be lucky to get that,” Dae muttered.

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