Page 31 of Bloody Lace

“Oh, good.” Relief washes over me that I don’t have to deal with that yet, at least. “I’ll get him to quiet down. I should probably wait a little while to let you two meet.”

“Sure.” Gus settles back into his chair, looking towards the door, clearly intent on becoming part of the furnishings in the house.

I hesitate, then head back to the bedroom to calm Buttons down. I want to be alone anyway—inside, I’m a churning mess of emotions. Everything that happened in the last half hour happened so fast, and like so much in my life right now, I don’t know how to begin to process it.

I don’t want a stranger in my house, watching me, shadowing my every move. But I can’t pretend that Dimitri wasn’t right. As much as I hate having a bodyguard, hate having someone in my space and the sudden loss of privacy, Dimitri was right that I don’t know how I would have protected myself against that man who was following me. He’s right that he got into my apartment with hardly any effort at all, and that someone else could have done it just as easily. And he’s right that I need his help keeping myself safe.

Who’s going to keep me safe from him?

I close my door behind me, scratching Buttons’ ears to calm him down as I try not to think about Dimitri’s lips on mine. About the way he pushed me up against the door. About the way his fingers felt around my wrist, making me feel things that I’ve never even thought about doing before.

I’ve never wanted a man to tie me up, or hold me down, grab my wrists or my throat or fuck me up against a wall. I always thought my tastes in bed ran fairly vanilla. But now, remembering the way my entire body went hot when Dimitri touched me, I’m wondering if it’s just because every man who’s ever been in my bed has been vanilla. That they’ve just been too boring to make me want anything else.

I try not to think about him for the rest of the day. I try not to think about how his mouth felt against mine, or how I’m going to be living with him before long, or the fact that every timemy thoughts do drift back to him, my entire body feels like it’s on fire. I take Buttons for another short walk with Gus trailing behind me, and I order in Chinese for dinner, and I call Dahlia and make plans to go wedding dress shopping. I look through my email at the contractors Dimitri has suggested to me for the shop remodel. And around ten, I close my bedroom door with Buttons inside, and go to take a shower.

I’ve never had a man just staying in my house before. Gus has done his best all day to make himself a fixture, like my sofa or my small kitchen table, but it makes me uncomfortable that a stranger is sitting in the living room while I strip out of my clothes in the bathroom, two doors away, to go take a shower. I have no doubt that Dimitri would never leave anyone here with me if they weren’t safe, but I still don’t like it.

Is this what it’s going to be like all of the time when I move in with him?Security everywhere, no privacy, always feeling watched? I hope not—hopefully being in a house with more space will mean that the security isn’t as noticeable. That I won’t feel like there’s always eyes on me.

I get into the shower, yanking the curtain closed, and close my eyes as I dip my head back under the hot water. The memory of the kiss instantly comes rushing back, the way his mouth crashed down onto mine, the hard, muscled press of his body against me, and heat that has nothing to do with the steam gathering in the shower floods through me.

What would it be like to go further with a man like that?I feel sure that it would be like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. That every time I’ve ever been with someone else would pale in comparison. That if just kissing him felt like that, actually going to bed with Dimitri would open me up to a whole new world of pleasure that I don’t even know how to begin to imagine. If his lips felt that good against mine, how would theyfeel lower? I can imaginethat, the heat of his mouth sliding over my skin, down between my thighs?—

Biting my lip, I let my hand trail down my stomach, brushing against the strip of hair just above the apex of my thighs. I can feel how wet I am, and it has nothing to do with the shower. I can feel that ache, the need for some kind of relief, and I start to slip my fingers between my folds. I could make myself come, and it would take the edge off. It would feel so good?—

And then I remember the man in my living room, and even though I know I can be quiet, and there’s no way he’ll hear me over the shower while he’s on the other side of the apartment, I yank my hand away.

I wash my hair instead, telling myself despite my frustration that it’s for the best anyway, that the last thing I need is to fantasize about Dimitri. And he would have been in my thoughts the whole time, there’s no doubt about that. I can barelystopthinking about him, after the way he kissed me. But letting myself want him will only lead to complications. It might lead to letting him kiss me again, and then?—

I’ve never been good at casual, and if there’s one thing I’m absolutely sure of, it’s that I won’t be good at casual when it’s with a man I’m married to. And since that marriage will be fake, and it will end in divorce, nothing good can come from doing anything that will make it feel real.

Not even the pleasure of having sex with Dimitri is going to be worth the pain that will come afterwards.

—

The weekend passesby and Monday too, culminating in Dahlia coming by my apartment Tuesday morning to go wedding dress shopping. She raises one eyebrow as I let her in and she seesGus, who is sitting at my table with a bagel sandwich and a cup of coffee. Buttons, the traitor, is laying down next to his feet. After one brief contentious meeting, Buttons seemed to decide that they were on the same side, and the two of them became fast friends.

It’s the first time Dahlia has been in my apartment since it all happened last weekend. I waited for her to be out of town visiting her parents before I told her everything, so she wouldn’t be inclined to rush over and make sure I was alright. Now that she’s back in town and things have settled, I can tell she’s taking it a little more in stride.

“Are you ready to go?” She gives Gus another appraising look, clearly trying to decide if she finds him attractive or not. “Is he coming, too?”

“Yes.” I try not to sound as frustrated about it as I feel. It’s not Gus’ fault, and to his credit, he’s done his best to stay out of my way. His bulk alone makes it hard to not notice that he’s in my tiny apartment all of the time, but when I have to go out he hangs back at the distance he’s allowed. He doesn’t engage me in conversation, he orders his own food, and I know he’s trying to not make me uncomfortable. It’s not his fault that he was ordered to be my bodyguard, or that I’m not sure I’ve ever hated anything as much as having a bodyguard twenty four/seven.

“Alright.” Dahlia doesn’t sound convinced, but she shrugs. “I’ll call the Uber.” She leans down, giving Buttons a scratch as she swipes through the app on her phone, and Gus finishes his sandwich and stands, heading to the front door. With him sort of out of earshot, Dahlia straightens, looking at me with an incredulous expression on her face. “I can’t believe you have a personal bodyguard,” she says in a low voice. “I’m a little jealous. And he’s hot.”

“Don’t be. It feels like I’m being babysat. And he’s not my type.” I reach for my coat that’s draped over the sofa, wishingI felt more excited about today’s outing than I do. I have an unlimited credit card and access to the wedding dress of my dreams—I’m going to be trying on Oscar de la Renta today, for fuck’s sake. Yesterday, the first of a series of contractors started on clearing out the destruction in my shop, to prepare for the refurbish. I should be thrilled—but it feels like the walls are closing in.

“He could be my type.” Dahlia glances at Gus again. “Okay, let’s go. The Uber is here.”

Thankfully, Gus sits up front in the Uber, giving Dahlia and I the tiniest bit of privacy, although he can still hear everything she says. “I can’t believe youbithim,” she whispers as we get into the back of the car, and I wince, regretting telling her about the kiss. But I had to tell someone.

“He deserved it,” I mutter, looking out of the window. The city is in full holiday spirit, and normally it lifts mine, but today I can’t stop feeling weighed down no matter what. Even the decorations in my apartment don’t cheer me up the way they used to. I’m getting married in a few days, this weekend, a whirlwind wedding that’s still somehow anything I want it to be because Dimitri has enough money to give me anything I want, and I can’t help feeling that it’s a trap. That this could all be a mistake.

“Hey.” Dahlia reaches over and squeezes my hand. “Everything is going to be okay. Dimitri is following through on his word, right? You said they’ve started working on the boutique. He’s spoiling you. He gave you someone to keep you safe. He’ll keep his word on the rest of it, too.”

I nod, swallowing hard. She’s right, I know it. Dimtri has done everything he can to show me that he can be trusted. I don’t know how to explain that his kiss threw me off balance, that it made me realize that this marriage is dangerous in other ways.That what I’m afraid of isn’t so much that Dimitri won’t let me go at the end of all of this—but that I might not want him to.

“I can’t believe I bit him either,” I admit, laughing a little as I squeeze Dahlia’s hand back. Having her here makes things easier. I have a few other friends, acquaintances that I haven’t said anything to about all of this because I can’t begin to think of how to explain it, but Dahlia is my one real, close friend. I’ve always been introverted, and she’s the only person who has ever made me feel really seen, like she loves and understands me despite the differences in our personalities.

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