Page 77 of Shame

“I don’t know why,” I finally say. “The thought isn’t as bad as it was. I mean, it’s almost four now and I’m only just going to the hospital. Taking time for myself today wasn’t as hard as it’s been in the past.”

“That’s a step in the right direction,” Kaison says, taking my hand.

“But I only have three days to decide.”

“No, you have three days to decide on this place. There are other places. You just may have to wait a while.”

He always knows the right thing to say to make me feel better.

“I like the idea of knowing someone who knows the director. And not that I know the doctor well, but he’s dealt with my father a few times in the ER. I know him better than I know some others. I don’t think he’d send my father to a terrible place. It feels right, but there’s just something… stopping me.”

“You know it’s not permanent, right?”

“How do you mean?” I ask.

“Cora, if you have your father go there and you don’t like it, you can take him home again. This doesn’t have to be a forever thing. It can be a one day at a time thing. If you take this spot, you can give it a few weeks or months and see how you feel. See how he does.”

“I hadn’t thought of that…”

And I hadn’t. Why not? Why did I think this would be a set in stone thing, where he goes and that’s that? I have no idea, but this sudden realization has me feeling even better.

“How do you always say the right things?” I ask Kaison.

His response is to kiss the back of my hand.

Today wasn’t horrible. Maybe I could take one day at a time. If the guilt eats me alive, I’ll go get Dad. I lift my phone from the console and take the card from my pocket to dial the doctor.

I see Kaison smiling from the corner of my eye, and I know that no matter what I do, he’ll be by my side. That makes all ofthis much easier, too. Why did I think the opposite? Why did I think everything would be easier without him?

“This is Dr. Norwood.”

“Hi, this is Cora Davies.”

“Hello, Cora. How are you?”

“I’m okay, thank you. So, I thought about your offer, and I’d like to accept the room for my father.”

“I’m so glad to hear it. I truly think your father will do well there. I will get your information over to my brother and he’ll call you within the next day or two. Is this the best number to reach you?”

“It is, yes. Thank you so much.”

“Of course. I’m glad I could help.”

We end the call and as I put my phone back in the holder, I can’t help but smile.

“You did good, sweetheart. And I’ll be here if you need me.”

“Are we moving too fast?” The words kind of just come out. We were talking about the stuff with my father, and now we’re talking about us.

“Do you think we’re moving too fast?” he asks.

“On the outside, I’d say yes, but it doesn’t feel like it. This all feels… right.”

“Funny, ‘cause those are my thoughts exactly.”

“It doesn’t bother you what people may think?”

“Hell fucking no.”

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