Page 70 of Shame

“Sure, Dad,” I say as my eyes fall closed. I swear I could sleep like this. The chilled air around me, the soft rocking of the chair, my Dad holding me. I’ve never felt so safe. Okay, not entirely true. I feel safe with Kaison too.

“I know there’s something wrong with me.”

My body runs cold, my eyes jerk open, and I sit up.

He gives me a soft smile, folding his hands together in his lap.

“It’s a strange feeling, you know?” he continues. “All this time is lost in between thoughts. I feel like I’m here one minute, things are dark, then here I am again, but it’s like weeks have passed.”

“Dad…”

“Let me finish, honey. Please.”

My throat tightens, and I force a nod because words aren’t leaving my mouth even if I needed them to.

“I love you, and I appreciate you taking care of me. Everything you’ve done. I can see it, you know? Even if it isn’t for long, but I know it. You’re the best daughter a dad could ask for, even if I didn’t want you in the beginning.” He chuckles, causing me to laugh a little too. It always was a joke with us. He falls silent for a bit, and all I hear are the chirping crickets and the creaking of the swing.

“Don’t stop living your life for me, Cora. Don’t do it,” he says firmly, choking up. “I don’t want that for you.” As if those words aren’t bad enough, aren’t making me want to cry a river, he looks me right in the eyes and adds, “Why do you keep me here?”

“What?” I say without even thinking. Why wouldn’t I keep him here? God, my chest hurts. My head hurts. My vision is fuzzy. There are tears in my eyes.

He shakes his head. “I love you, Cora, with my whole damn heart, but you’re a young girl. I mean, when’s the last time you went on a date?”

“I had a date the other day,” I say, wiping my eyes.

“Oh yeah? Where’d you go?” he asks like he doesn’t believe me. I hold his gaze and he raises a brow.

“Here,” I say quietly, knowing that isn’t going to be satisfactory.

“I promise I won’t be mad at you for wanting to live your life. I want you to. Get me out of here, Cora. Don’t let me be a burden on you.”

“You’re not a burden,” I say sharply.

He shakes his head again, looking out at the road, seeming disappointed.

“Dad…” I take his hand. “I love you, and I love taking care of you. I want you here with me.”

“I don’t want to ruin your life. You deserve to be happy.”

“I am happy,” I say adamantly. “Yes, I’m a little stressed out sometimes, but who isn’t? That’s life. Look, we don’t know…” I stop and swallow, unable to say what I want. “This disease, it’s… I just want you here with me for as long as possible, okay?”

“Are you sure that’s what you want?” he asks, holding my gaze.

“Yes.”

He sighs, squeezing my hand. He swings his arm around my shoulder again, pulling me to his side. “Then promise me if it ever gets too hard, you’ll put me in a home.”

“I promise.”

I say the words, but I don’t mean them. I can’t imagine sending him anywhere. He’s going to be where I am until hisdying day. Or mine, if it comes first, I guess. Because anything can happen.

We don’t speak again after that. I eventually nod off, and am woken up a short time later to Dad telling me to get to bed. We head inside, I lock the doors and help him get ready for bed even though he tells me he’s fine. He kisses my forehead, tells me he loves me, and gets into bed. I go into my room, change, and before I plug my phone in, I stare at it, wondering if I should text Kaison. Dad’s words keep repeating in my head. About living my life. About it being what he wants. I get that, and I appreciate it, but I can’t. Dad doesn’t know what it’s like, and there’s no way I would ever tell him. He doesn’t need to know that I dumbed down what it’s like. I don’t want him feeling guilty.

I open the text thread with Kaison and scroll through our messages. We chatted a little bit back and forth earlier. He told me when he was awake, thanked me for the food, asked how me and Dad were. I told him about the heart attack, because I hadn’t done that yet. Things have been hectic. Of course he showed how amazing he was by asking a million questions, showing me he cares. And he didn’t just ask about Dad, he asked what I was doing for myself.

I scroll up more, looking at all the texts of him telling me he misses me and wants to see me. It makes my chest warm, knowing he has feelings for me. I have feelings for him too. It’s strange, but it’s there. Some weird connection we have that I can’t explain. We fit together just right. I guess sometimesthat just happens. If I put time and effort into this, it could be something good. We could work through the issues we have and make a life together… but I can’t. I have too much going on, too much to risk. Maybe Kaison and I will meet in another life. That’s the best I can hope for.

I’m dreaming about hospital machines beeping, Dad lying in the bed, unable to breathe. No one is helping. I’m glued to my chair, screaming and trying to get up, but I can’t. Nurses and doctors walk by, but no one comes in. No one hears me. No one helps. I watch in horror as my dad chokes, gasps for air, clawing at his neck as if some invisible force is choking him. Tears pour down my cheeks, my heart is pounding, I’m going to be sick.

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