Page 59 of Shame

“Can I see him?” I ask.

“Soon. A nurse will come get you once he’s settled.”

“Thank you,” I mutter, then go back to my seat, feeling like a zombie as I sit there. “They couldn’t do it.” It’s more to me than anyone else.

“There are other options,” Irene says. “You heard Dr. Anderson. Calvin is fine. You’ll see him soon. We’ll take him home, get him situated, then you can figure out what you want to do. I’m here to bounce ideas off.”

I’m already shaking my head. “I can’t do this again. What if they try the other sedation and his heart rate bottoms out again, and they can’t get it back up?”

“That is a risk—”

“Not one I’m willing to take.”

“You have time to think about it.”

I do, but I already know what the answer is going to be. I won’t gamble with my father’s life. He’s already had too many years shaved off thanks to the dementia. Now the heart issues? I’d rather enjoy what I have left with him than risk it all ending in a week or two over a silly procedure.

The nurses said Dad would be groggy most of the day. He’d likely be tired and wanting to sleep. They said if he didn’t eat much, that was okay as long as he does so tomorrow.

Irene and I get him into the house, which isn’t easy with the steps. Physically, he’s fine to walk up them, but with him being so lethargic, he isn’t much help.

“Sure would have been nice to have a big strong man around here to carry him inside,” Irene says as she pulls out a package of ground beef from the fridge to set on the counter.

“You don’t have to cook,” I say, ignoring her comment about Kaison.

“I cook every time I’m here,” she adds.

“I know, but you don’t have to do it today. I’m here, I may as well. Actually, you can go home if you want.”

She turns to me, raising a brow. “I like my hours.”

“I didn’t say not to put them in.”

She stares at me, then smartly says, “That’s illegal.”

“I won’t rat you out. Will you?”

She huffs. “Fine. But only because I’m almost finished with that book, and I really want to know if that sweet Reese gets the girl in the end. Poor boy is hurting so bad.”

“It’s a book, Irene,” I say with a shake of my head.

She scowls at me and gathers her things. “You better call if you need me. I’m not kidding. I won’t go home right away. Going to the park to finish my book. Enjoy the peace and quiet.”

“I will call you if I need you. Promise.”

“Actually, better you call that man of yours instead.”

Thought about it.

“See you tomorrow,” I say, urging her toward the door. I don’t need her convincing me to call Kaison when I’m already on the verge of doing so.

Once she’s gone, I stare at my cell phone that’s resting on the kitchen table.

Maybe leaning on Kaison about this won’t be so bad. Maybe letting him in on all this will help. Maybe getting a feel for how things would be if we did get serious won’t hurt…

Or maybe it’ll hurt way too much, and I’ll regret it. Guess I won’t know until it happens. I have noself-control…

I swipe my phone from the table and call him. It rings and rings and rings.

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