Page 58 of Shame

I hardly know him, and I would need to know him better before I ever agreed to marry him or even thought about that seriously, but I don’t hate the idea of being married. Especially not to someone like him.

Okay, obviously I’m sleep deprived and overworked if I’m thinking about marrying Kaison, someone I’ve been sort of dating for a week. Yeah, I’ve lost my mind.

“What’s going on? You okay?” Irene asks.

“Just worried.”

I’m not going into detail with her about my love-life—or not love-life. Not really sure what it is right now. There are too many emotions in my head to think clearly. About Dad. About Kaison. About myself. Life. It’s all too much right now.

“Thought maybe you were thinking about that man of yours I keep hearing about but haven’t met.”

I frown at her. “I don’t have time for aman.”

Not entirely true, but… Dad needs to be my priority. Kaison has shown me that I have time for a man. A man like him—no, not just a man like him, but him. He’s made it so I can have time for him. My issue is the stress and emotional stuff that comes with it. I can’t handle being let down, disappointed, or anything else that fits with those. I’m barely holding myself together as is. A little more weight and I’m going under with no one to save me. I can’t do that to myself or to my father. He still needs me.

“Oh, no? Could’ve fooled me,” she says.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Only that I work as much as you do and still have a family,” she says in a slightly higher pitch, trying to make a point.

“No offense, Irene, but you don’t have a father like mine.”

“You’re right. I don’t,” she agrees. “But if I did, my family would help out. You know, share the burden? Do what families do.”

I shake my head. “I know what you’re doing, and it isn’t going to help. I don’t have time for this.”

“If you say so.”

She shifts in her seat, opening the book in her lap and continues to read. I don’t want to think about the fact that she’s right—that Kaison would help me with Dad. He’s already proven that much. All I can think about is Dad waking up and finding Kaison in my bed and going bonkers over it.

Or how about me? What if I have a really rough day with dad, and I’m waiting on Kaison to show up, and then I find out he’s in the hospital? I won’t be able to go to him, to see if he’s okay, because I can’t leave Dad alone. That sort of stress would eat me alive. I just don’t think I’m ready for this kind of thing yet.

I’ve woken up every day since I last saw him at the diner on Saturday with a text saying he misses me. It’s adorable. Makes my stomach warm and my heart all fluttery. But is he doing this to make me forgive him or because he’s showing me he’s trying?

Dad would want this for me, I know that. But he needs me right now, and I can’t have anything in my life that’s causing me more stress than I already have.

“Miss Davies?”

“Yes, that’s me.” I get up to meet Dr. Anderson.

He gives me a small smile and my stomach drops. I know that smile. It’s not good.

“Your father is okay, but I’m afraid I have some bad news.”

“What kind of bad news?” I blurt out.

Irene puts her hand on my lower back to soothe me.

“Your father’s heart rate dropped dangerously low during the procedure, and it took more time than we’d have like to get it back up. Now, he is okay, like I said, but we weren’t able to complete the procedure.”

“You couldn’t do the angioplasty?” I ask.

He shakes his head. “I’m afraid not. Now, we could try it again with a conscious sedation, like we discussed, but we would have to see how he reacts to it first, meaning it would take some time.”

“I don’t know…”

“Of course, I understand. Take some time to think this over. You have my office number when you’re ready to discuss this further.”

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