Page 57 of Shame

He throws a shot back, then pours another.

“He wasn’t a dick,” I spit out.

“Yeah, not to you, Mr. Fucking Perfect.”

“Don’t start with that shit,” I argue.

I rarely argue with my brother. I push his buttons. Annoy him. But I don’t go at him like this. But alcohol mixed with my bad mood will do that to me. Besides, he’s had something up his ass for months, and I’m tired of it.

“Nice to know you’re turning out just like him,” Kolton says before getting up.

Fucking prick.

Trudy puts another beer in front of me before I ask. Damn, when did number four get empty?

“Thanks,” I mutter, chugging the entire thing. I get to my feet, feeling a little lightheaded, but I’m straight enough. Probably shouldn’t drive though, but I hadn’t planned on it. No need to go anywhere when everything is right here.

I pull my phone from my pocket as I head out front, needing some fresh air.

Bullseye is up against the building, one foot kicked up, smoking a cigarette.

“Can I get one of those?” I ask.

Haven’t smoked in a while, but I could use a bad habit right now.

“’Course.”

He hands me a smoke from his pack, then flicks the lighter to light it for me.

I inhale, the smoke filling my lungs making me more relaxed than I thought it would. Should do this more often.

“Rough night?” Bullseye asks.

“Something like that.”

He nods, then turns his attention to the parking lot. He’s always been a man of few words. Only talks when it’s needed. Not one for small talk or chitchat. I like that about him. Doesn’t take away from what he gives this club though. He’s a brother, just like all the rest.

I pull my phone from my pocket and click on my texts. I navigate to Cora and type out a text telling her I miss her. I send it before I think better of it.

Dating, relationships, all of it isn’t stuff I know. All I know is how I feel, and I can’t get enough of this girl. Maybe I shouldn’t tell her I miss her, and maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned the old lady thing, but goddamn, I can’t help it. It’s what’s in my head and I want to be honest with her. It’s all I’ve done from the start. I may fuck up, but I’ll own that shit and one day I will be better.

It’s late now. I’m sure she’s sleeping. But maybe when she wakes up in the morning and sees I was thinking about her while she was sleeping, it’ll make her smile. I love seeing her smile. Fuck, I miss her.

I text her again, this time just saying “a lot” so she knows Ireallymiss her. Then I shove my phone into my pocket, finish my cig, and go back inside for another beer.

This girl has to be mine. I can’t fucking let her go. So for the sake of everyone involved, let’s hope she wants to do this the easy way.

Chapter Eighteen

Cora

Though the doctor went over this procedure with me a ton of times, I still feel like I know nothing. He said they were putting him under anesthesia because they were worried how he would react to conscious sedation due to his outbursts. Local anesthesia was a definite no-go for the same reason. I’ve never been put under for anything and neither has Dad—not as far as I know. Though they assured me it’s safe, I’m scared as hell. Not only about this, but about everything. And I really want to call Kaison because he always makes me feel better, but I feel really stupid for not telling him about this. Sure, he overheardpartof it, which is why he went in the back and scared Norman so badly he aged ten years, but still. I didn’t tell him, and I should have.

I’ve gotten upset with him for not telling me things about his life, for not warning me when he’s going to be caught upwith club stuff, yet I’m kind of doing the same thing. How can I expect him to share aspects of his life with me if I’m not?

I’m not mad that he’s in a motorcycle club. I don’t have any bad notions about that life, him, or any of his friends and family. I don’t think he’s a bad person for it—him or any of them. I see the good they do for the town. Dad was close with some of those guys when I was younger. It was one of the reasons he was so happy to move back here. He’d said he had friends here, since it’s where he grew up. I always thought it was just an excuse, so I didn’t feel like we were moving only because of me. But I saw a change in my father when we got here, and it made me wonder why he left at all. The guys Dad was friends with, I remember them being good guys. Nice and kind. But that isn’t my issue with Kaison. My issue is… does he have room for me?

He said he did. Said it would be easier if I were his old lady. The term is odd to me, but I’ve heard it plenty of times in movies and stuff, so I know it’s a thing. Thinking about doing something so serious with him is scary. Though, probably not as scary as it should be, which I find even more concerning. The thought of marrying him doesn’t send me running for the hills. Maybe I’m crazy, but I can picture it in my head.

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