Page 55 of Shame

“Naturally, I want to start off this conversation by apologizing, but I know that won’t do me any good. I already apologized; already said I wouldn’t do this again, yet I did.”

“You did,” she says sharply.

“I’ve never done the relationship thing before. I’m not used to having people to worry about outside of the club. And I know I said this the other day, but it’s true. I’m trying real fucking hard. Trust me, I am.”

“Relationship?” she asks.

I frown. “Isn’t that what we’re doing?”

Her eyes narrow, and then she smirks. “I’ll get back to you on that.”

Oh, this girl…

“Anyway, the club is my life. Has been mywholelife. Even when I was too young to join. My father was a part of it, and so that’s how I grew up. It’s what I know. But being with you? It’s like a breath of fresh air and I want more of that. I know it hasn’t been long with us, but I want to be with you all the time, and I think about you all the time—”

“Except when you need to let me know you won’t be around…”

I shake my head. “It’s not like that.”

“Then what’s it like, Kaison? Because that’s what it seems like. That’s what’s happened.”

I sigh, scrubbing my hands down my face and taking a moment to figure out how to word what I wanna say.

“Club stuff is difficult. It’s hard-wired into my brain to take over. It’s habit. Instinctual. It’s not that I don’t care about you or want to tell you, but when club stuff comes up, I just… react.”

She nods carefully, then smiles. But it doesn’t look like a happy smile. It’s a sad one, and that can’t be good.

“So, if we were to be in a relationship, what you’re saying is I’ll only ever come second?”

“No,” I bark out.

“And what if you were to have kids? Would they be second too? Or maybe third?”

“No, that’s not what I’m saying at all,” I say firmly.

“Sounds like it.”

“If you were to be my old lady, and hell, I know we’re a long way from that, things would be different because you would be there. You’d be included, you’d be around, you’d be part of it. I wouldn’t have to choose or worry about picking.”

“And if I don’t want that?” Her eyes widen slightly, the green really shining bright under the light in here.

I frown. “Don’t you? You know who I am. Knew that when this started. You must’ve thought about it.”

She puts her hands flat on the table, chewing on the inside of her cheek as she mulls over what I said.

“I just…” She sighs. “I have a lot going on, Kaison. With my father, you know? And I get where you’re coming from, but I’m not in a place where I can be put on the back burner when it’s convenient for you, and I’m certainly not in a place to get married just so I can be taken seriously.”

“Cora, that’s not—” I groan, looking away for a moment. “That’s not what I’m saying. We don’t need to get married for me to take you seriously.” She holds my gaze, and I add, “Tell me how we can make this work.”

“I thought I already did… When I told you not to do it again. Yet, you did it again. It’s only going to work if you respect my wants.” She gets up, grabbing her keys and putting her purse on her shoulder.

“Don’t… please don’t walk away from me,” I say, a sharp pang hitting me in the chest.

She sighs, saying, “It’s been a long day. I’m tired. I want to go home and take a long shower and get to bed. Give me the night to think this over. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

She walks past me, and I squeeze my eyes shut, wanting to go after her but knowing it won’t be for the better. She does have to get home to her father, and I don’t want to keep her from that.

“Kaison?” I turn my head quickly in her direction, my heart soaring at the fact she didn’t just walk out.

---