Page 53 of Playing for Keeps

“We need to find a dress for Betty,” Edith tells Oana. “She couldn’t be here today, but she’s excited about the wedding.”

“Her body is similar to mine!” Tuesday cries and runs out of the dressing room in her regular clothes. “I’ll test out the dresses for her. Let me try on various ones, and we’ll send her pictures.”

Soon, they choose a dress with a bustier bodice and A-line slit skirt. By then, I’ve fallen in love with my dress and made the purchase.

Around me, everyone is goofing around. I overhear Clover and Roxie talking about going somewhere for lunch. Alexis joins the conversation. Tuesday starts bouncing around the shop, hugging everyone.

This festive mood over the wedding is what I’ve craved. My marriage isn’t simply a business deal. Val loves me. We’re starting our life together. This wedding is my big day. Now I have a group of women excited to be a part of it.

As if the universe has decided I’m too happy, a local bitch named Elishia Hill spots us. Her stupid face presses against the glass window as she stares inside and decides whether to ruin our fun.

Elishia quickly enters with her giant cornfed cousins, Shitgibbon One and Shitgibbon Two. The three bitches are known all over the county for starting trouble with other women. While they would lick the piss off a man’s foot, they’d refuse to call for help if a woman was on fire. I’ve always suspected they believed if they were born male, they wouldn’t be losers.

“Keep walking,” Tuesday says when Elishia struts inside.

“Screw you, skank.”

The clerks stand behind the counter and try to disappear. Meanwhile, Tuesday’s hands tighten into fists, but she doesn’t lunge for the bitch.

Elishia looks us over before flipping back her dyed black hair, likely because she thought that gesture looked cool in a movie.

“Which one of you whores tricked a man into marriage?” she sneers and looks back at her cousins who laugh despite her not being funny. “I can’t imagine anyone would marry the ginger.”

Alexis gasps. “But I’m hot, and my hair color is real. Men really appreciate that.”

Tuesday steps in front of Alexis and glares at Elishia. “You know she’s married to West who never once fucked you. He always said you smelled of old cigarettes and a poorly wiped ass.”

“Well, big whoop, because I fucked your other brother.”

Now, I’m the one gasping. “Gross!”

“No,” Tuesday whimpers, immediately rushing toward me. “You have to understand. Val had consumed so much moonshine that night. He was lucky not to fuck a guy or a moose. So, when you consider it that way, you can understand why he let this thin-lipped hag suck him off next to a Chick-fil-A dumpster. Please don’t judge Val. He normally has great taste.”

When Elishia grabs a handful of Tuesday’s wavy hair, the room freezes. I can already hear the impending scream as Tuesday inhales sharply and prepares to unleash her banshee cry.

Edith’s fist sends Elishia toppling ass over tit. The hag ends up flat on her back, staring shocked at the ceiling.

Edith faces the cousins. The two shitgibbons glare at her, likely jealous of her shiny-as-fuck hair and modelesque face. Despite their better judgment, I sense they’ll try to kick her ass simply out of jealousy.

“Have you lost your damn minds?” I holler before they can jump her. “This is a family-friendly business, not a dive off the highway. These people,” I say and wave my hand at the staff who might as well grab popcorn for how excited they seem by the show, “are trying to fucking work! Have some damn class!”

My tirade doesn’t do the trick. Shitgibbon One throws a punch at Edith, and a fight breaks out.

No matter how badly I want to stand back and avoid getting bruised before my big day, Val’s people are my responsibility. I dive for Shitgibbon One and drop her with a kick to her ankle. I fall on the larger woman and start punching.

Shitgibbon Two grabs my hair and yanks me backward off her sister. I hear Tuesday scream “skank beatdown” as I dodge monster-sized feet.

Feeling recharged Elishia rushes after Edith who acts like a prizefighter by throwing a right punch to Elishia’s nose, followedby a left to the belly before ending with an uppercut to the jaw. No longer recharged, the thin-lipped hag drops again.

Roxie and Tuesday drag Shitgibbon Two off me and tag-team their larger opponent. That’s when I jump on Shitgibbon One and start punching her again.

“We have no one to fight,” Alexis says to Clover as a pregnant Oana hides behind a rack of dresses.

My sister helps me to my feet and then asks Shitgibbon One, “Are you going to fight anymore?”

“Bitch, I’m going to hit you until you turn pretty,” Shitgibbon One snarls and rolls to her feet.

Clover looks at Alexis. “See? We can play with this idiot, so my sister will stop messing up her hands before the wedding.”

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