Page 45 of Good and Gone

“So do I,” she says, pulling away from me. “That’s why I can’t tell you.”

I watch her walk to the end of the block and then disappear.

30

John Doe

Ialmost had her the other night. She ran right out her front door, but that cop was there, sitting out front. At first I almost didn't see him because he's not the usual one.

So, I didn't get her. And then things got busy because he brought in another girl. This one sort of fell in his lap, he said. She's no Hailey Adams, and after a few days, he sort of loses interest. And then he needed me to hang around the safe house more and more, so I put the wife on duty watching Hailey. It's not like she has anything else to do but sit around on that fat ass of hers. She tried to protest, but I told her it wasn't like she had to do anything. She's not breaking any laws; she's just watching.

Then the boss brought in another girl. This one is all the way from Alaska. In case I never said this before, we’ve got houses all over. Two in Austin, three in San Antonio, several in Oklahoma. Like I said, all over. Safe houses, as the boss calls them, are like drug houses. They’re all around and no one really knows what they are until they do. That’s why we move a lot, but usually it’s not too far. Sometimes it’s just a few blocks away. The boss likes to keep at least two places in any given town just in case we gotta move the girls quickly. Most of the time they keep me running in between San Antonio and Austin, sometimes Houston, but you never know. He sent me to that shithole in Oklahoma after we grabbed Hailey.

Anyway, this new girl he brings down from Oklahoma turns out to be different than he expected. Like she actually had some spirit. She kept trying to escape, but he had to keep knocking her around a little. Thing is, that's not the kind of girl you fuck and then kill, so I bet he keeps her around. He's just gotta keep her calm. It took starving her a bit. He fed her cat food and forced her to act like a house cat, using a litter box and all, and that got her shaped up a bit. She isn't trying to escape any more, that's for sure. She actually seems to enjoy any attention he gives her.

He's here now, and that's when I get the call that Hailey is at the pharmacy. The wife says she's not alone, but I don't care. It's interesting because it's out of character. Hailey Adams hasn't left her house in weeks except to see that shrink and now she's at the pharmacy. Is she letting her guard down? I took her for smarter than that, but no one can hide forever. Either way, something’s up. My heart flutters with anticipation. I can’t wait to find out what that something is.

31

Hailey

Ihear my mother call my name and then the rhythm of feet upon the stairs, their echo muffled against the wooden floor. I double-check the lock on the bathroom door. Before I face my mother, I need a second to collect myself.

My heart is racing so fiercely that my chest hurts. I don't mean to look at the test again, but I do anyway. It is a mistake. There are two pink lines, just like the one from before, and now there is no denying what it means. The bathroom swirls around me, and I feel like I am in a swimming pool and water is rushing up from the drain. Rose's voice comes back to me.They were going to kill you, eventually.I can't catch my breath. I can't move.

“Hailey? You awake, honey?” my mother calls, knocking on my bedroom door.

“Just a sec, I’m in the bathroom!”

“All right, then. I’ll get lunch started.” I listen to her footfalls as she retreats down the stairs, through the entryway and into the kitchen. Then I glance in the mirror, knowing I need to pull myself together. The mirror shows me a stranger. I am pale, for one thing. My face is gaunt, and my eyes are bloodshot and ringed by dark circles. It feels like there is a hole in my stomach, like someone reached in and clutched my intestines, twisted them, and tied them in knots. Every moment feels like a dagger being thrust into me and then twisted, causing my stomach to turn over and over, sending bile and acid up my throat. It feels like the floor under my feet is moving, even though it isn’t.

I’m so tired. I just want to climb into bed and sleep and wake up from this nightmare. But I can’t run away from myself. I can’t stop thinking about what Rose said. I can’t stop thinking about those two lines and what they mean.

If I tell Tyler I’m pregnant, it’s going to crush him. If I tell him the truth about my abduction, about Rose, he’ll want to go straight to the police. But I'm not sure even they can help me. They weren’t in that room. They don’t know what those men are capable of. I don’t think anywhere is safe. Even if I were to run—like Rose said, they’ll find me, eventually.Is it even possible to be a ghost in this world anymore?

I feel so trapped. I throw up from all the pressure building inside me. It builds until it reaches a breaking point and then a dam bursts open, causing everything to come out in a rush until there is nothing else and then I just sit on the cold tile, dry heaving. It's all of it; all the fear and the disappointment and the uncertainty hurts, spills out until there's nothing left. But the fear and the sadness remain. It's trapped, and it feels like there's no way out. I don't want to have this baby, a constant reminder of life in that room. I don't want to spend my life on the run either. How can I take my children away from everything they know? How can I leave my parents? Tyler needs his job. We have to make a living—if not here, somewhere, and won't that always put us at risk? It’s not like we can escape the system completely. We can’t just flee the country. It doesn’t work like that. It’s not that easy to change your names and become different people. This isn’t the movies; these things don’t just happen with the snap of your fingers.

Suddenly, everything feels hopeless, almost pointless, and I know I will feel this way from this moment forward, every single second of every single day. I don't want to live like this. And then an idea is born. It’s the only thing that feels like it will solve everything.

With a shaky hand, I reach into my bedside drawer and pull out the smooth, cool, heavy knife. It feels right. It feels safe. I go into the bathroom and watch my reflection in the mirror. I consider the mess I am about to make. I consider who will find me and how to avoid the children doing so. My mother won’t pick them up from school until three o’ clock. It’s barely eleven. She’ll find me before then. She’ll call Tyler. He’ll know what to do to avoid them coming here and seeing anything they shouldn’t.

Thinking of Tyler is like a dagger to my heart. I hate leaving him with this burden, but what else is there to do? I am so glad I had been up and dressed this morning when the kids left for school. I’d helped them pack their book bags and hugged and kissed them before they left. Things had almost seemed normal. At least they’ll always have that memory.

I consider writing a note, but I know it will make me chicken out. I can’t think about it too much, so instead of leaving a note, I text my mom:Taking a quick nap. Wake me in an hour, please. I love you.Then I take one last look at myself in the mirror, feeling overwhelmed by confusion, fear, and nausea.

Slowly, I climb into the empty bathtub and sit down. My hand trembles as I carefully hold the knife to my tender flesh, wincing at the sharp pain as it pierces my skin. I press hard against my wrist, dragging the blade across the soft flesh until a large gash forms on my pale skin.

As I watch in horror, I begin to feel dizzy and lightheaded as all of my emotions swirl around inside of me like a violent storm. I let go of the knife and sink down into the bathtub, letting the darkness envelop me as I slip away into unconsciousness. But despite the pain and the sadness, I'm surprised to find I feel at peace for the first time in months.

32

John Doe

Ihear about Hailey Adams the same way everyone else does. The media is all over it. But beyond that, because I’m sitting outside her house. Actually, I’m on her front porch, dressed in my new Texas Gas Service uniform. I’m waiting for the old bat to come back to the door to grant me permission to enter the premises. She says she has to check with her daughter. She says she doesn’t understand. The house is all electric, as if the Adams are the only ones in the entire world, as if no one else in the neighborhood matters.

I try to explain again that I’m here to fix the gas meter. But she’s not buying it. She gives me a suspicious look and then slams the door in my face. I hear her lock it. I wait a few minutes and only briefly do I consider giving up and leaving. Then I hear a scream. I walk out onto the lawn, and I see the mother through the window. She’s on the phone, talking frantically. I have a bad feeling.

I drive around the block and park my truck a few houses down from the Adams residence. I pull out my binoculars and wait. Six minutes later, an ambulance arrives, followed by a police cruiser. They both park in front of the house and two EMTs go inside while the police officer talks to the mother at the door. A short time later, they come out with a stretcher carrying Hailey. She's covered with a sheet, but I can tell it's her by the hair. Her eyes are closed but she's not dead, otherwise they'd have the sheet all the way over her and it would be the coroner and not EMTs carting her away. The woman is weeping hysterically and is being supported by the police officer. He helps her into the front seat of the cruiser. The ambulance sits there idling for several minutes before it takes off, sirens blaring.

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