Page 76 of Revved up & Ready

“That is not—no, no,” I whisper. “All tiresdown, all the time, please.”

“He’s alright,” Bea reassures me. “He’s not the only one who does that. It’s okay.”

I’ve seen it before. I know it’s common, but it’s like I’ve forgotten everything I know about the sport.I just want him to pull over and be done.It was just a little air, but I hate it.Anxiety tightens my chest, then moves to my throat.He still has seven laps left. Anything can happen in seven laps. Bad things—

“What do you suppose he’s thinking about right now?” Bea asks, clearly aware I’m freaking out but graciously not making me address it.

“I have no idea,” I snap, my words sharper than they should be. I apologize immediately.

Always understanding, Bea answers, “It’s okay. This is a lot for you. Try to imagine it, though. He does this for a reason. What do you think he focuses on while he’s out there?”

After forcing a few steadying breaths, I consider her question. He loves this. Allie’s words from his first race of theseason come to me.“Cam is the happiest he’s ever been. This is what he lives for.”He’s told me how important the freedom of speed is, how that feeds his soul. I doubt he’s thinking about speed, though. That part’s built in.

Giving myself a break from the race, I look at Bea. “He’s probably somewhere between the thinking equivalent of yelling‘woo hoo’at the top of his lungs and trying to figure out how to pass this guy. Cam wants to win. Heneedsto win, so I bet that’s what he’s thinking about—how does he get first?”

“He’s getting close,” Bea says as Cam slides out around Ludlow going into the next turn. He pulls ahead for just a moment but loses the lead as they come out of it.

Announcer One: Hacker will not back down today.

Announcer Two: And he shouldn’t. He needs these points today if he wants a shot at signing withIncite Energynext season.

On the next turn, the camera zooms in on Cam’s front tire again. This time there’s chatter—his tire skipping on the track, and a bit of a wobble, but he recovers it. My natural inclination is to draw my knees in close to my chest, but Dandy’s still heavy in my lap, so I pick her up and hold her tight to my chest instead. She nuzzles in, appreciating the affection.

“She’s a sweet little snuggle angel, isn’t she?” Bea comments.

“She’s helping me a lot,” I say. “Thank you for bringing her. And for being here.”

“Of course. I’ll come over for every race if you need the company,” Bea says, offering me the kind of support an old friend gives, even though we’ve only just gotten to know each other this year.

“He has a race tomorrow, too,” I say. “Maybe we can do our run before to help me calm down, but I want to try watching one on my own.”

Announcer Two: Looks like we have a crash on the track.

No, no, no, no.

The racer on the screen is holding his motorcycle’s handlebars as he and his bike slide across the racetrack.I can’t look.I bury my face behind my hands, holding Dandy tight.

“It’s not Cam,” Bea reassures me.

“But it’ssomeone. What if they—” I can’t finish the thought.

“Watch,” Bea says. “I know it’s hard, but the guy’s okay. Look, he’s standing right up.”

I brave a look back at the screen, and she’s right. The racer is standing, leveraging the bike to lift it into an upright position. He climbs back on and rejoins the race like nothing happened.Like nothing happened. How the—

“That bike looks heavy,” Bea comments, not letting me dwell or spiral.

“We probably have a few in the garage if you want to check,” I joke, the lighthearted interaction taking some of the pressure off my speeding heart.

Cam gets so close to Ludlow as he tries to pass him that I swear they must be touching. I swallow a thick lump in my throat when my heart races again.At this point, I’m irritated with myself. Every scary, anxious thought is also an annoying one. Why can’t I just ignore it and be happy for him?

Normally, I’d try to calm myself with rational reasons why my anxiety is unfounded. But being anxious about thisisthe rational response, or at least it feels that way to me.

Announcer One: Whew, a lot of trust there. See how close Hacker’s getting to Ludlow?

Announcer Two: Absolutely. These guys have been racing each other for years. I know they’re friends off the track.

“Do you know him too?” Bea asks.

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