Page 74 of Revved up & Ready

“I’m here to support,” she answers with a warm smile.

We take Dandy to the backyard to throw a ball and get some of her energy out before she’s expected to sit still for an hour and watch the race with us. Bea and I smoke a bowl to get some ofmynervous energy out before we move back inside and dig into the baked snacks I prepared.

Bea adjusts her position on the couch, facing me. “How are you feeling about the race?” she asks.

“A little nervous,” I admit, releasing a heavy breath. “I get nervous every time, thinking he’s going tocrash.” Even though he isn’t here, I still whisper the last word.

Nodding, she hums a response, giving me atell-me-morelook.

“He doesn’tcrashoften, but at least a couple people go down during every race. They almost always get right back up, but every time I see it—” I take a tight breath. “It’s terrifying.”

“I bet it is,” she affirms.

Bea’s presence is a steady comfort. Moments ago, we were laughing, snacking, and smoking. Now, I’m pouring out my heart about Cam, and I haven’t even decided how I feel about him yet. She has a way of disarming me, letting me feel safe sharing raw emotions.

She already knows the story about my crash from high school—the whole reason I find Cam’s racing so unsettling, so I skip over those details.

“It’s hard to shake the images of people I cared about being bloodied and wrecked by motorcycles. I can even still see Cam lying eerily still on the racetrack when he broke his leg. I didn’t even know him then, but that crash is one of the reasons I fear for him.”

“He survived that, though—came back stronger,” she points out. “Would it help to focus on that? It wasn’t enough to make him fearful of racing.”

My shoulders shake on a defeated laugh. “That’s kind of the issue. Breaking his damn femur wasn’t enough to make him fearful. It made him more determined. There’s no level of injury that could stop him. I don’t thinkanythingwould be enough to make him quit.”

She tilts her head curiously, thick dark hair momentarily falling over her face before a silver-and gold ring-stacked hand pushes it back. “Is that what you need from him?”

She doesn’t ask if it’s what Iwant, but if it’s what Ineed, as in—what do I need from my partner in my relationship? She’s only operating with the information I’ve given her. She believes he’s actually my boyfriend—not just my friend—because that’s what I’ve told her. There’s a layer of complication to this that I can’t unfold with anyone. Although, something tells me Bea would keep our secret if I asked her to. She’s patient, petting Dandy’s white fluff as she waits for me to respond.

“I want so badly to be supportive,” I finally say. “I know it’s important to him—important isn’t even the right word. Racing is integral to his being. Iwantto be supportive, but I don’t want…”

When Bea sees I can’t bring myself to finish the sentence, she offers, “You don’t want to see Cam hurt or worse.”

“I don’t want to lose him,” I admit, although I haven’t shared enough for her to fully comprehend what an admission it is. He’s important, and even though he’s not my boyfriend, and I can’t love him, the idea of losing him terrifies me.

Bea hums a response again, rolling over my words before saying, “That’s a very reasonable desire. It’s obvious he doesn’t want to lose you either. I’m sure that’s on his mind while he’s out there.”

Obvious? Maybe he’s just a good actor, good at pretending to be my boyfriend. Or maybe, she’s right. Maybe his charm and flirtation with me isn’t just for show. His going down on me until I came multiple times certainly wasn’t.

“Today, I want to focus on being excited for him,” I say. “I want to cheer him on like a normal girlfriend and not worry about anything else.”

Bea’s eyes narrow, and a knowing smile curves her lips. “Okay, angel. I’m here to help.”

The broadcast starts with two announcers sitting at a table in front of aUSMotosign.

Announcer One: We’re about halfway into the season here, and things seem to be shaking out well for both Ryan Ludlow and Cameron Hacker. We don’t have a clear frontrunner yet this season.

Announcer Two: I’d say we do have a clear frontrunner. Things are looking better for Ludlow. Hacker has been on his tail all season. He’s only ten points behind, but he has yet to pull into a points lead.

Then they go into a detailed breakdown of points and placements leading up to this point in the season, followed by a conversation about tire pressure decisions that almost puts me to sleep, and then on to interviews with racers.

“The pre-race stuff is a little dry, isn’t it?” Bea jokes.

“This part kind of sucks,” I agree. “Hate to admit it, but the actual race is really fun.”

“You think you’ll end up traveling to any of them?” she asks.

“I’d like to. Or at least, I’dliketowantto,” I admit, offering Bea more than I’ve shared with anyone in a long time. “I wish I didn’t get so anxious about it. If I can get through this race from the couch, maybe...?”

“I’ll go with you, if you want,” she says.

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