Page 105 of Love Not Qualified

She wouldn’t still be alive if she wouldn’t have squeezed my hand that day.

And that thought haunted me every day to the point where I ended up like a vegetable with only one purpose: be there for her. The only thing I’ve done in the past week was spend time with her and whenever I wasn’t at the hospital, I was sleeping like the dead.

My mouth parted open and I relaxed to the bone, eager to get back to the comfortable and quiet place of my mind. I was just about to reach that place when a loud and powerful ring repeatedly sounded in my ears.

I jolted awake and was on my feet, blinking until the blurry sheet on my eyes went away and I could focus on the pissed blonde in front of me. My palms were clutched over my ears and I hoped my expression was enough to inform her about how angry I was.

Merielle was holding two pots in each of her hands and with a challenging smile, she slowly got them closer to each other, teasing me about repeating the sound if I didn’t obey.

“What the hell are you doing here?” I rushed and my head instantly started buzzing with pain. “You scared me.”

“You’ve been ignoring my calls for over a week and while I’m glad you’re getting your eight hours of sleep, you can’t make that your life now.” Merielle approached me with a step, putting the pots down as I flashed her an unimpressed gaze.

What was wrong with my life now? I was finally getting enough rest after a lifetime of working like a goddamn machine and my mother’s health care was taken care of. And I was also giving Merielle space with David. What was wrong with that?

She let out a sigh and a small smile rose on her lips. “Come on.” Merielle put her palms on my shoulders and ushered me to my wardrobe. “We don’t have much time.”

I frowned, still not sure I perceived reality as I was supposed to after the quick wake-up call I had. “Where are we going?”

My friend placed a hand on my shoulder and flashed me a smile. “You, my lady, are going on a date.”

I couldn’t hold in the cough fighting its way out of my throat and my bulging eyes at the quick realization of what she said.

Was she out of her mind? A date? Me on a date?

She was clearly not in a good place mentally to think or even believe for a second that now was the right time for a date. Reasons?

1. My mother—no need to expand on that.

2. I just got out of a—whatever—with my ex-boss.

3. I was jobless, living in a one and cold-room apartment.

4. I had a hard time figuring myself out, let alone putting the devotion to building a relationship with someone.

I shook my head. “No.”

“Yes.” She smiled and dragged me further. “No one says you have to marry this guy, but you need to start enjoying life now that you have the chance.” Merielle gave me a soft smile as I stood like a wall in the middle of the room.

“You mean now that Tristan’s paying for my mother’s health care and I don’t have to carry that kind of burden?” I asked, raising a brow and somewhat disturbed by the idea.

I was still coming to terms with that and even though he was doing me a great favor, I didn’t feel relieved at that kind of responsibility being taken off my shoulders because all I ever knew was providing for my mother. Now that was no longer on the list, what was I supposed to do? What was my purpose in life?

Not one time have I asked myself what I liked to do or what sparked passion in me, I only had one clear thing in mind and that was making sure my mother was fine.

Merielle’s shoulders dropped and a flash of guilt passed her face. She shook her head, pinching the top of her nose. “No. No. I didn’t mean it that way.” Her voice was quiet.

“I know,” I admitted and bit the inside of my lip.

She stepped closer. “Look, I want what’s best for you, and watching you lose your spark is the most painful thing I’ve had to go through. I love you like a sister and I know life has been tough on you, but I can’t just stand and watch you destroy yourselflittle by little. You weigh less than a feather and every time we’re not together I’m afraid someone is going to call me and say that you’ve collapsed. It’s the only reason I never keep my phone on silent, even though I hate it. I fear every day that something will happen to you because the truth is, Hae, you care about everyone else but yourself.”

Merielle took a deep breath and I found myself following her, tears gathering in the corners of my eyes. “As a friend, I have no fucking idea what to do and I understand if now is not the right time—because it’s not—but I’m afraid if I let you go on this way, you’ll glue yourself to a bed and forget what life really is. Sure, it’s mostly survival, but there are so many other things worth living and I don’t think you even met half of them. So, I’m so sorry if I offended you in any way, but the truth is, I’m fucking scared to lose you and this is me trying with all my powers to keep you above the waterline.”

Tears dropped on her cheeks and my heart sunk as I wiped them away with my thumb, my own cheeks wet when I dragged her in my arms. We both shuddered in each other’s hold and in that moment, the next breath I took was full of gratefulness.

I’ve never had someone caring more about me than she does and through our years of friendship, all I did was push her away thinking she was never going to accept the real me. When in reality, Merielle was ready to give her life for me even when the only thing she knew about me was my name.

She was so right. I got so used to putting others above myself that I didn’t know what living was like.

---