Page 100 of Love Not Qualified

Tristan took a step back, threaded a hand through his hair then nodded his head. He avoided my eyes the same way I did when he stepped into the office and took a deep breath before talking.

He was defeated, I could see it in the way he couldn’t find the right place to put his hands or the softened and tired look on his face. I should’ve been glad, but it didn’t make me feel better that he was like this.

“Yes. I wished you’d forgive me, but I understand if you can’t,” he murmured. “I do hope you find the best decision for your mother and even if I don’t know much about what it’s liketo be in your situation, my father was sick my entire life. A few months ago, he’d had enough and stopped taking his pills.” I heard him gulp before he continued. “He ended his life because he thought of himself as a burden to us. When you go there on Monday, think if your mother could live with the thought of you taking care of her for the rest of her life.”

He lingered behind me for a few more seconds before his steps echoed in the hallway and the sound of his door reached my ears.

I didn’t move from my place, my eyes welling with tears.

When I learned his father died, I never dared to ask why, thinking it was a sensitive reason. It turned out I was right, but I wish I wasn’t. Losing a member of your family like that was a terrible thing and I couldn’t even begin to imagine the grief he must’ve endured.

My heart ached for him and I raised a fist to my chest, pressing on that stubborn beating organ. It wasn’t right to feel sympathy for him in that situation, yet I did.

I shed tears for him that day. For the man who lost his father. But I didn’t forgive him. I couldn’t.

Instead, I repeated his words over and over again and found myself with a clear decision in mind. I knew what I was going to do on Monday.

THIRTY-SIX

TRISTAN

I couldn’t stop looking at her and while that was a common thing since I’d met Haelyn because of her outshining looks, it was different today. My eyes were locked up on her, hoping to find a moment where she was stealing a glance at me or when her body reacted to mine being near hers, but I couldn’t catch her dropping her walls. She was either very good at hiding her feelings or her feelings vanished when she read that cursed notification on my phone that morning.

She had every right to act the way she did. It was wrong of me to hide the truth for so long from her. I should’ve confessed everything the moment we got closer and maybe regaining her trust that way would’ve been easier. Because now, I had no doubt she thought I lied to her because I waited until I got her in my bed.

That couldn’t have been further from the truth.

Most of the time when I was around her, I forgot Chad truly existed. It was just the two of us and I analyzed every stare, every gesture, and every word carefully, curious to see if she was feeling the same.

Since that day, I couldn’t wait for the sun to go down, so I would go to sleep to dream of her. She was more addicting than any drop of alcohol had ever been and lived in my head rent-free.

It fed me. Dreaming of her, I meant. It fed me a sense of reality I knew I was never going to experience and I got worked up only at the thought of putting my head on a pillow and thinking about her. It made me pleased to see her, talk to her, and hug her in my dreams and mind, but it also hurt like a motherfucker knowing I ruined it all.

How was I going to watch her every day at work when she was impossible to get? Were all the dreams going to continue while she kept me at arm’s length? Were they going to stop? Were we supposed to leave fate to do its job and move on?

Was there a right answer?

Because I was desperate for my mind to be silenced again like it was in her presence. I was desperate to get a sense of how having her look me in the eye used to feel. I was hungry for the smallest touch—on my arm, shoulder, anywhere.

The memories of her were the only things keeping me away from alcohol.

Was I… missing her? Was that even possible when we spent so little time together?

We both sat on a couch in Gorig’s meeting room, waiting for him and his team to show up, but believe it or not, I couldn’t have cared less if we got the partnership or not. Gorig could’ve gone to hell. I did everything on my part to make this possible and if he wasn’t going to accept, I wasn’t going to insist anymore.

I burned the side of her face with my stare, hoping and praying she was going to look back even if it was to snap at me for gawking at her. But she kept her chin tall, straightened her back, and glanced at the presentation displayed on one of the walls.

There was a strange feeling buzzing in my chest at the thought that I was never going to be able to touch her, hold her, feel her, and smell that smell of strawberry she had imprinted on her clothes and hair.

Couldn’t she see how much I regretted everything? Or how badly I wanted her back? Or how I was at battle with myself not knowing what to do?

What was the right thing to do? Insist until she forgave me and not giving her the space and time to forget me or to let her make her own decisions?

Was she able to forget me, though? Because I knew I was never going to.

I opened my mouth to call her name when the door opened and a few people hurried inside. Gorig clapped his hands in excitement and took a seat at the head of the table, then offered Haelyn a smile.

“I’m glad you came, Haelyn. And my offer still stands.” He pointed a finger at her.

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