Page 45 of Save Me

"I know." I swallow the tears burning up my throat. "But it happened anyway. I'm not sure how we're supposed to move on from here."

"Do you love him?"

"Yes," I whisper. "So much it's terrifying."

"Does he feel the same way about you?"

My answer is immediate. "Yes."

"Do you know why he lied?"

"Maybe? Kind of?" I shrug helplessly. "He thought he could fix something. Instead, it made everything worse."

"How did it make it worse, sweetheart?"

"He…" I lick my lips. "I guess it made me realize that there are things he needs to fix—stuff he needs to deal with—before he can really move on from what happened to him. And he's not willing to do that." Tears well in my eyes. "It's just going to keep coming up over and over. It's going to keep comingoutover and over. And I guess it feels a little like enabling destructive behavior to just accept the collateral damage that comes with him not dealing with it."

At the end of the day, that's what this was. Collateral damage. He thought he needed to fix it to prove something—that he was worthy, that he isn't his father…I'm not sure what, exactly. But I know it was something because I knowhim. He's driven by guilt. It consumes him. And I'm guessing he feels guilty as hell about Bella. So he didn't tell me so he could fix it and ease that burden, prove that he was worthy.

But that's the past speaking. He thinks he needs to prove his worth or make himself deserving of me when he always has been. He just doesn't see it because he still has Bellamy's voice in his head, filling him with lies. He has the whole damn city in his ear, shouting that he's a terrible person. And it's so freaking loud, he can't hear his own voice.

The collateral damage piles up because he can't hear it. It's been piling up for years. The drinking. Working with his father despite it being the worst possible thing for him. Keeping his secrets. Now this.

When does it stop? How much does he have to lose before he decides to fight for himself for once?

My mom's fingers drift to a stop in my hair, her blue eyes meeting mine. "You've always been the smartest person I know," she murmurs. "You see the world and people in a way no one else does. You know exactly what everyone around you needs because you see everyone so clearly. I forget sometimes that you're still just a baby yourself."

"I'm not a baby, Mama."

A tiny smile curves her lips upward. "Yeah, you are. But that's not a bad thing, sweet girl. You're twenty-one. You've got your entire life ahead of you still. You have decades to learn and grow. I can't wait to see what you do with them and who you become. Because the girl you are right now? She's already wise beyond her years."

"Mama," I whisper.

"I mean it, Isla. You took what you went through and turned it into a strength. It's your superpower, baby girl. No matter what you go through, you find a way to learn and grow from it, and then you share that wisdom with the people who need it." Her fingers slide through my hair again. "It's not like that for everyone. Some of us have to be beat over the head with our lessons before we learn them. We have to wallow in the muck and fight our way free. We stumble and fall down and make a thousand mistakes before we finally get it right. And when you've gone through so many awful things, sometimes, it takes a lot longer to figure out how to get it right. It takes longer to believe you deserve to get it right."

"He deserves to get it right," I whisper. "More than anyone, he deserves that. I just…I don't know how to help him. And I'm freaking terrified that he's going to break my heart."

That's the part that really scares me. The fact that he has the potential to completely devastate me. And perhaps it's therealization that he might. Because I'd choose him. If it came right down to it, I'd choose him over everything. Over anyone. But I know he wouldn't choose himself.

Ineedhim to choose himself. We won't survive if he doesn't because the past will destroy him. The writing is on the walls. It's been on the walls all along.

"Then you teach him how to love you," my mom says. "And you ask him how you can help him. And you have faith that you two will figure it out together. It may not be easy, but the things in life that are worth it rarely are, baby girl. That's why we fight for them." She meets my gaze. "If he doesn't know how to fight for himself, you fight for him, Isla. You show him how. That's what he needs from you. And that's what you're best at. You and Bella both. You're fighters."

I jerk my chin in a nod, squeezing her in a tight hug. "Thank you," I whisper. "For loving us."

She laughs quietly, squeezing me tight. "You don't have to thank me for that, Isla. It's the easiest thing I've ever done."

"That's your superpower."

She smiles, kissing me on the cheek. "Are you okay now, baby girl?"

"Yeah, I think I will be."

She climbs from the bed, stretching her arms over her head. "Then I'll see you in the morning.

"Goodnight."

I wait for her to leave and then climb to my feet, pacing the floor, thinking about everything she said. Maybe she's right. Instead of pushing him away, I should be pulling him closer right now. That's what he needs. He needs to know that no matter what, I'm not giving up on him. I'm not giving up on us.

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