Page 85 of Recon Rendezvous

As he drives into the underground garage, I drag in a breath, letting it out slowly. “You can just let me out at the elevator.”

He comes to a jerky stop, jolting us forward before turning to me. “I was going to come up with you.”

Ignoring him, I take another deep breath. “Xander, thank you. Last night was… there are no words for what last night was. While I heard everything you said, I’ve been playing it over and over in my head on a loop, I want to be clear about something before I take another step forward with you.”

Staring at my fingers gripping the seatbelt, I rush on. “There were a lot of beautiful, flowery words shared between us, and I want you to be sure before this goes any further.”

Pulling my hand from my seat belt, he laces our fingers and I’m finally able to meet his eyes, my heart knocking against my ribs. “I moved here, to Chicago, to be near my family, because I’m ready to start one.”

His eyes widen, searching mine, but he doesn't say anything. Licking my suddenly dry lips, I push on.

“My last relationship ended because he wasn’t ready for kids, marriage, the white picket fence, and all the wonderful things that come with it. I wanted that with him, but he didn't feel the same way about me. Looking back on it, I was completely blind to the signs that we weren’t right for each other. Anyway, after a few months floundering, I decided to move here, to be near my family, so I could regroup and start the process of starting a family on my own. I’m never going to wait for another man todecide I’m worthy enough. I was and still am ready to do it on my own.”

Giving his hand a squeeze, I turn to the window. Maybe if I can’t see him, this won’t hurt so badly. “When we agreed to the whole friends with benefits thing, I intended this to just be some temporary fun to let off some steam. I had no idea we’d end up here. It’s been…” I swallow around the lump in my throat before I continue.

“My life is heading in a completely different direction. While I've enjoyed our brief time together, I don't think you're ready for the path my life is heading down, you know, smelly diapers and a screaming kid waking you at all hours. Even though I want it all and am still a little scared about what comes next, that’s where you came in… Ha, came in. Um, don’t worry about last night. I’m very recently off my birth control, and I’m tracking my cycle, so we should be okay. In case you start to freak out later.” I laugh, the sound hollow to my own ears.

He doesn’t join in, doesn’t say a word, and for some reason that stings more than the phone call from Travis.

“I said all that to say, this life, my future, is not for you.”

We sit in silence for a few tense moments, and I hold my breath, because a little voice whispers that I want him to convince me that he is ready for me and everything just dropped into his lap. I wish he could walk into the dream I have and declare right now that he wants to fight for me, fight for us.

I shake my head, sighing. “Okay, I can see I’ve shocked you into complete silence. I didn’t think I’d ever see the day, stud, but I’m going to take that as my cue to leave. I'll understand if this means we're done having fun and you decide to keep all of those bountiful benefits to yourself. But I thought it was time you finally knew where I stand so you could make your own decision.”

Pausing with my hand on the door handle, I whisper, “I’m sorry. I didn't expect things to progress the way they have. I thought we were just having fun. I had no idea we would end up here.”

Turning, I avoid his gaze, instead, leaning over, I press a kiss to his lips. Lips I want to sip from and taste understanding but instead I taste regret.

“Goodbye, Xander.”

He doesn't stop me as I climb from his truck, the slam of the door echoes through the garage. With my head held high, I strut to the elevator like I’m on the runways of Paris fashion week. I've cried in front of him enough. This is what I want, and I’ll live with this decision for the rest of my life.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

LONDON

TheI told you sohits even harder when you're talking to yourself. It's been twenty-four hours since I dropped the doozy of all doozies in Xander’s lap, and it’s been crickets ever since.

Am I the asshole for tossing out the whole,I'm ready to have a baby right fucking now? Possibly.

Or is he the asshole for not saying anything after I word vomited all over him? For not following me inside, declaring I’m his, and begging on his knees to be my baby daddy?

Yes, one thousand percent.

That was the only acceptable response because I never thought we would end up here when this all started.

Rolling over, I readjust the pillow as I stare at the ceiling. I don't know why this is so upsetting. What we had was fun but fleeting.Fleeting.I knew that going in. But he just had to go and be perfect and caring, kind and funny, thoughtful and so fucking sexy. The dark intensity of his stare laser focused on me made me feel like his world. His universe. The whirlwind was so unexpected I didn’t even realize I’d gotten caught in his pull.

I never thought I’d be here. Before him, I was absolute in my desire to find a donor and become a mom all on my own. I had my family, I had my friends, I would never need a man again.

Somewhere along the way, he slipped past my defenses, and for a brief sliver of time, I allowed myself to hope.Dream a little.Yet again, I was wrong.

What's that saying? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, damn it to hell. Or however it goes. First Travis, and now Xander. But it's fine.I’m fine.

Tossing off the duvet, I trudge into the bathroom. Flipping on the light, I avoid the mirror. I don't need to see this catastrophe, I’m living it. Feeling it. So deep in my bones, it’s suffocating my spirit. This soul crushing sense of disappointment. I don't even know why, maybe it's the loss of what could have been. While obviously we're not ready for kids, I would have liked for him to at least say that he enjoyed our time together and he wanted to continue it.

Ugh, come on, get over it.Stepping into the shower, my eyes are squeezed tight as the too warm water blasts my face. Wiping the water,yes, it’s water, from my eyes, I turn my back, letting the warmth soothe me as I shake my head.

---