Page 107 of Nothing Like the Movies

“I can’t see anything I don’t like about you.”

—Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Liz

I drank my malt and hung out with my friends after that, but it wasn’t the same. I felt emotionally drained and didn’t know what to do with all the thoughts that were going on in my head. I could tell everyone wanted to know what’d just happened, but I didn’t want to talk about it.

I mean, how could I talk about it whenIcouldn’t even make sense of it?

When I took Clark back to his hotel, he tried mentioning the video but I wouldn’t let him. Which was ironic in that when I tried going to sleep, that video was on repeat in my head. I lay there in my childhood bedroom, the same room where I experienced so many emotions regarding Wes over the years, and I heard his words over and over again.

I didn’t cheat on you, Lib.

I don’t know why, but sometime around midnight, I was compelled to go sit in the Secret Area with my wouldn’t-be-silenced thoughts. I knew it didn’t belong to the Bennetts anymore, but I also knew the new people hadn’t moved in yet, so I wasn’t going to get arrested for being back there.

I quietly slipped out the patio door and ran through the backyard, the way I’d done so many times to meet Wes the summer after my senior year, and I climbed over the fence.

But I wasn’t ready for what I saw.

Oh my God.“Overgrown” didn’t even begin to describe it. It was impossible to believe it was the same place, to be honest. It was like it’d reverted to its former self, the wild place that lent itself to epic games of hide-and-seek. It was so overgrown that it took me a minute to evenfindwhere the firepit was.

Where the space used to be an oasis, it was now just a crooked firepit with a lawn chair sitting beside it. The fountain, the flowers—they were long forgotten. I wasn’t sure if they’d been removed or just swallowed by nature. I reached down and grabbed an empty bottle of Corona off the ground, wondering if that was what Wes had been drinking last night.

God, was that really only last night?The universe had shifted since then.

There was a big piece of wood in the firepit, and I pulled the matches and lighter fluid I’d snagged from the kitchen out of my pocket. I lit a tiny fire, for some reason needing the ceremonial feeling of ritual as I soaked in the dark night.

Because I was feeling melancholy, I scrolled through Spotifyuntil I found the OG playlist, the one from senior year. I hadn’t let myself get in my feels about Wes in a long time, but there was no avoiding it that night. I turned on Adele and leaned my head back, looking up at the sky.

The night was clear, the stars were bright, and I was utterly lost.

“Hey, kiddo.”

I looked up and my dad was climbing over the fence in his stupid banana pajama pants andLUKE’S DINERT-shirt. I don’t know why, but seeing him and hearing his voice made my eyes get a little misty.

“Tell me what happened,” he said, coming over and dropping to the ground beside me. “We could tell when you got home that you were upset, but we decided to leave you alone.”

“What changed?” I asked, amused by the wonderful way my dad was always the same.

“When I heard you sneak out the back door, I figured you needed to talk to someone. I thought I’d volunteer as tribute. So what happened with Wes?”

“How do you know this is about Wes?” I asked, sniffling.

He just said, “It’s always about Wes, honey.”

“I don’t even know where to start,” I said, shaking my head.

“Just start at the beginning,” he said, leaning back on his arms. “I don’t have any plans.”

“Okay,” I said, and I just took off. I told himeverything, then rambled to him about the way it was impossible for me to reconcile my feelings. I’d had two massive revelations that night, and each brought out opposing feelings.

Every time I thought about poor Wes and what he’d gonethrough, my heart was broken for him. I was so sad for everything he’d lost and equally sad that he hadn’t been able to tell me. I felt like somehow I failed him, that obviously there was some reason he hadn’t been able to open up to me.

“But as soon as I think that, I get so frustrated over what we lost because we didn’thaveto lose it, right? It’s probably unfair to be mad at him for doing something he considered selfless, that he thought he was doing forme, but it was just such a waste. It didn’t have to end. Instead of trustingme, he made the executive decision that I couldn’t be trusted, and he walked away.”

And the lie about Ashley pissed me off. I didn’t feel guilty about being mad at him for that. Because it just felt so childish, soarrogant, that he thought I would never get over him unless I thought he cheated.

“So did he apologize?” my dad asked, lifting his hands to warm them by the fire.

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