Page 45 of Clan and Command

“You do that. I’m used to being left alone, aren’t I?”

The Nobek shot him a look through narrowed eyes. His tone was even however, as he put a sealing gel over the cuts. “What set you off?”

“Not what. Who.” Piras laughed. When the hilarity came out high-pitched and screamy, he stopped. The sound scared him. He swallowed and told Kila, “I realized I hadn’t taken my parents into consideration when I agreed to the mission.”

“Hell. Yeah, that’s a big deal, one that should have factored in your decision.”

“No shit. I suppose you’ve already talked to Maf’s side.”

“I did. I’m sorry about that, Piras.”

“Not your fault. Mine. How will your family react?”

“They’ll want to kill me. It won’t be the first time. I’ve not always been a model child.”

Though his answer was flippant, Piras saw the shadow in Kila’s eyes. The Nobek suffered over his decision too. It helped him not feel so lonely in his guilt. “I think you’re as worried about it as I am.”

“In the end, I’m trying to salvage the Empire for them and everyone else. It’s a worthy sacrifice to lose their esteem.” Kila continued to minister to his injuries. “What else put you into that bottle of bohut?”

“I had the misfortune of bumping into he-who-walked-out-on-me. In short, it’s been a wonderful day.”

Kila paused as he put a cooling anti-inflammatory patch over Piras’s knuckles. His gaze drilled into Piras’s. “You saw Nobek Lidon? Talked to him?”

“Isn’t that what I said? Congratulations, Kila, you’ve been right all along about me still being hurt over him. Does that make you happy?” Piras waited for Kila’s self-satisfaction.

Kila finished wrapping and dug out a tab of pain inhibitor, which he set on Piras’s tongue. “Not if it makes you tear yourself apart with abuse and drinking. If you think any of this brings me pleasure for one second, then you haven’t got the first clue what I’m about.”

Piras heard the feeling in the Nobek’s tone. It was close to what he’d seen on Lidon’s face, but not quite the same. Not as insulting. After a moment, he was able to put a name to how Kila sounded.

Compassionate.

Though Kila’s caring tone didn’t hurt the way Lidon’s concern had, it made Piras uncomfortable. He tried to come up with a witty retort, something to take his uneasiness away, but his alcohol-soaked mind wouldn’t comply. None of his favorite curse words seemed to fit the occasion either. He was forced to sit in silence as Kila gathered up the first aid supplies and put them away.

That accomplished, the Nobek turned back to Piras. “All right, that hand is as pretty as I can make it. Except for the abrasions, it should be normal in the morning. I assume you have some stim-tabs somewhere?”

“Kitchen, in the cabinet over the cooker. I don’t want to get sober though.”

“It’s a cruel world, boy. You don’t always get what you want. Can you walk, or do I need to carry you again?”

Piras snorted and got to his feet. He had a moment of over-balancing, and Kila grabbed him. Piras steadied himself. “Let go. I can walk.”

“Right.” Kila’s familiar smirk was making its return. “Lead on then, and I’ll make sure you don’t rearrange any other body parts by walking into the walls.”

“Aw. You’re so sweet. You should have been an Imdiko.”

“Right now, I wish I was. Maybe I’d know what the fuck to do with you then.”

Piras wove his way down the hall, the blank lengths of the walls frequently interrupted by shelves of models. He was as careful as his drunkenness allowed, not so much because Kila had told him to do so, but because he didn’t want to crash into one of his beloved projects.

He couldn’t hear the Nobek following him, but knew he was there. He could feel the man keeping a close eye on his progress. Kila’s presence was like a warm blanket around him, keeping him safe from harm. Piras would have liked to trust that feeling. He would have liked to bury himself in it. But he’d felt that way with Lidon too, and that had disappeared without warning. It had slipped away, first by slow degrees, and then all at once. That fierce Nobek protectiveness had gone to another.

Piras felt a heaviness settle over his heart. Why should Kila be any different? He’d made it plain he had enjoyed fighting his chief engineer for dominance. Of course Piras couldn’t hold a man like him. It would never work.

They reached his kitchen. Piras morosely searched a drawer for the stim tabs. Kila hovered over him, making sure Piras did what he wanted. Guarding Piras from himself in his time of hurt. Ready to shield him from trouble. Why couldn’t Piras have someone like Kila forever? Why couldn’t he be accepted as the submissive lover he’d been born to be?

He found the package of stim tabs. A glance at Kila made his heart slam hard in his chest. The Nobek’s default expression of a mocking sneer was nowhere in evidence. For the moment, Kila looked at him with the same emotion Piras felt – with longing and the confusion that spoke of not knowing how to get what he wanted.

Piras couldn’t stop himself from speaking. “Don’t look at me like that.”

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