Page 5 of Verses

Unfortunately, my anger flared like a reflex. “I walked home. Like that’s a big deal.”

“C’mon, Hayley. You didn’t take a jacket—and you were by yourself.”

“It’s three blocks, Kyle. And you know I was safe.”

He shook his head, knowing he wouldn’t win that argument. I’d told him stories about city living in Colorado and he knew Charlotte really was one of the safest places I could be—even with a couple of state penitentiaries in nearby Silver City offering the possible threat of an escaped inmate.

Life here might have been a lot of things—but dangerous wasn’t one of them.

Wanting to get in the last kick, he muttered, “You could have at least told me.”

I already knew how that would have gone, and I didn’t want to waste energy arguing an old topic with no resolution so I changed the subject. Touching his arm, I asked, “Are you feeling any better?”

His eyes focused on mine, the deep blue pools reflective of just how ice-cold his gaze felt, but I still couldn’t read him. There was a wave of anger coming off him, mixed with apathy and…something else I couldn’t identify. Whether that was directed at me or I was just the target of friendly fire, I didn’t know. Shakinghis head, he walked toward the refrigerator, letting my hand drop from his arm. “Definebetter.”

That told me pretty much all I needed to know.No, he wasn’t better. Not by a long shot. That outburst at the bar hadn’t helped, not one bit. As he grabbed the last can of beer out of the fridge, I considered asking him if that was such a great idea, but that would have been pouring gasoline on a raging fire—meaning I’d get plenty on myself.

His brown hair would be considered short by most people, shaved on the sides and not touching his shoulders, but it was long enough to get in his eyes, one of the things that used to make me feel tingly when I looked at him. I used to love wondering all the secrets he hid behind those long bangs.

Not anymore.

I knew too much. And it was a dark and scary place. At leastmydemons were the demons I knew.

But Iwasgoing to have to engage, like it or not. “You were agitated, so I wondered if you felt better.”

“Hah.” Popping the tab of the beer can, Kyle quickly guzzled the alcohol before slamming the can on the counter. “Maybe I’m better ‘cause I’m still breathing…but that’s debatable. I’m definitely not fucking better trying to play music that won’t fucking work.”

His voice was getting a little loud, and this late at night in our apartment with paper-thin walls…I knew Adrian and Pedro wouldn’t call the landlord but the same couldn’t be said for the people across the hall. I needed to choose my words carefully to stop this from escalating yet again.

“I know it’s frustrating. We’re all frustrated. And it’s gonna be hard. Forallof us.”

Shit.

As soon as the last few words were out of my mouth, I knew that was the worst thing I could have said. Sure, Liam was important to the band—but he meant the most to Kyle.

So I had to try to get ahead of his reaction. “I know it’s hardest for you. But Liam wouldn’t want you to be consumed with guilt.”

“You don’t fucking know that, Hayley.”

“Yeah, I do. Liam might not have been my brother, but I knew him. The first songs he wrote were like a window into his soul. He wasn’t full of hate and vengeance, and he loved you more than anything. It would kill him to see what’s happening to you.”

“Kill him?Nice choice of words.”

Yet another misstep. “You know what I meant. He would want you to keep going. And you know as well as I do that the same thing would have happened to you if we’d kept going the way we had been. Liam wouldn’t want that for you.”

Shaking his head, Kyle sneered but he finally shifted his eyes from mine back to the beer can. “Suddenly you’re a genius. You know everything.”

“You’re just—”

“No. Stop telling me what I am, Hayley. I’m notjustdepressed orjustgetting over it. Orjustlearning to live without something that made me feel better. It’s notjustanything and you don’t fucking understand.”

Maybe I didn’t understand what he was feeling but Ididknow that how he was acting wasn’t healthy. He didn’t seem to be grieving as much as he seemed to be blaming himself for the world’s wrongs.

But, somehow, we needed to move past this. We hadn’t had a real conversation in months…long before Liam’s untimely demise.

“Okay, sorry. I didn’t mean to tell you how to feel or pretend like I know what you’re going through—but here’s the thing. Tonight, you lashed out at all of us. You made every single one of us feel like shit. But we’re trying. We’realltrying to pick up the pieces—and you know it’s hard. It’s hard for all of us. Liam might not have been our brother, but he was our friend—and he was our bandmate. I guess all I’m saying is we’reallhaving to adjust…so the last thing we need is your negative words, telling us how shitty we are.”

“You think that was just directed at you guys? It was directed at all of us, myself included. We fucking suck without him.” After guzzling more beer, he said, “We just need to quit. The sooner we face up to that fact, the sooner we can put ourselves out of our misery.”

---