Page 171 of Verses

I kept waiting for Wolf to ask what happened, but I got the feeling he might have suspected and was letting me work my way through it.

Swallowing hard, I continued. “The first time was when mom had to take Ashley to the doctor. She was sick and Jeff was home alone with me. I can’t remember him ever working, just mom. I was playing with my Barbie dolls in my room and he came in and sat next to me. He asked me if I knew what Ken did to Barbie when I wasn’t looking and then said he would show me. He, um…” Water flooded my eyes, blurring my vision, but I couldn’t really see the dark sidewalk anyway. My head was instead filled by that old memory I’d refused to look at for so long.

“You don’t have to tell me, Hayley.” Wolf placed his arm around my waist as if to support me.

“I feel like I need to—unless you don’t want to hear it.”

“You can tell me whatever you want, baby.”

Until I closed my eyes to squeeze out the tears, I hadn’t realized I’d stopped walking. Blocking out the world around me transported me back to that time. I wasn’t sure what I was saying to Wolf, but I was telling him about that experience as I relived it in my head. Jeff had picked me up and set me on my bed in that tiny bedroom, and he’d lifted my dress. Almost like a doctor, he’d clinically groped my private area, and even though no one had ever told me that wasn’t right, I knew it in my heart that he shouldn’t be touching me. Worse, I didn’t know how to say it or what would happen if I told him to stop. After that first time, he’d come in at night and touch me regularly.

But then…

“He said if I ever told mom, she wouldn’t believe me. She’d take his side and kick me out instead of him. And that would be exactly what I deserved.”Babycakes.Jesus. I remembered him calling me that as he threatened to get me booted out if I ever said a word.

“What’d you say his name was?”

I opened my eyes. “I appreciate the gesture, but—”

“Gesture?I’ll kill the motherfucker.”

“It wouldn’t help, Wolf. It wouldn’t give me my childhood back. It wouldn’t make me innocent again. There’s something wrong with the guy and he should be locked away forever. But I’ve often wondered if maybe he’s already dead or maybe in prison because we never heard a single word from him again. It’s like he disappeared off the face of the earth.”

“Your dad too?”

“Inever heard from my dad again…but things my mom has said off and on tell mesheknew where he was and wanted tostay away. I think that’s part of why we moved around a lot when I was a kid. It wasn’t until Phil joined the family that we settled down.”

Wolf nodded as we started walking down the sidewalk again, his arm around me, making me feel safe and comforted.

“Phil’s a good guy…even though he pissed me off a lot as a kid. But that time with Jeff…it changed me. The word the school psychologist used to describe me wasprecocious. Although I didn’t quite understand it at the time…I knew I was different. I became the girl boys were attracted to in middle school and…I’ll just say I gave them reasons to keep coming back. I officially lost my virginity in the eighth grade…when my friends were still playing with the same dolls I used to love.”

Wolf squeezed my shoulder, simply letting me talk. I wondered if I should keep going and ultimately decided to. I’d already started. For him to really understand why my head was so fucked up, I needed to lay it all on the line.

“As I’m sure you can imagine, with unprotected sex came an unwanted pregnancy. I wasn’t even in high school yet. I didn’t tell my mom, either, but she figured it out somehow—and I had an abortion. Then mom put me on the pill.”

We grew quiet again, still walking. Finally, Wolf said, “Did she ever talk with you about it? Ask what was going on?”

“No. I think she was afraid to know. But she told me more than once that she was ashamed of my behavior. My grandma had died the year before and mom kept telling me how ashamedshewould have been. And inside I was screaming, crying…dying. But outside I just jutted out my chin and dared her to keep it up.”

We walked in silence again for a bit and arrived at my apartment building. Looking at Wolf, I said, “I’m not quite ready to go in.”

“Then let’s walk the other way.” So, as we headed back toward The Apothecary, Wolf asked, “Was Phil part of your family by that point?”

“Yeah. I think that’s part of the reason why my mom kept ragging on me. I don’t know. Maybe that wasn’t it. But it didn’t change my behavior. I started drinking and I worried even less about the consequences of sex being on the pill. I didn’t get a lot out of those encounters.” But it fucking dawned on me—and I might as well say it out loud. “Except feeling special and loved for five minutes.”

Wolf squeezed my arm. “I wish you’d had someone in your life then who could have assured you of your worth.”

“That’s kind of where Kyle came in. We met in high school, but he was different from a lot of the other boys I’d slept with…because Kyle fell in love with me. We connected on a deeper level and, sure, we had sex, but there was so much more to it than that. Maybe it’s ‘cause we started out as friends.”

“There’s a lot to be said for that.”

“When we first got together, I felt like a princess with him. He treated me way better than I thought I deserved and maybe I punished him for that. I think I encouraged him to treat me like shit—but Kyle is a good guy. I don’t think I would have survived high school without him and his mom.”Think?I knew it. Kyle’s family had fucking saved me—and I needed to thank them all for that.

For several long minutes, Wolf and I didn’t say another word, but his arm around me was assuring. Maybe he was processing what I’d said or wanted to give me the space to share anything else I felt like I needed to say. It wasn’t uncomfortable, though, and, as we got closer to where we’d started, it felt like the most natural thing.

There were so many other things I could have told him, so much history I could have shared…but I felt like nothing else needed to be said.

When we got to The Apothecary, we stopped in front, and Wolf cupped my face in his hands. “Hayley Young, I love you. I know I’ve hurt you, but I swear I will never hurt you again. You are the whole world to me…and I only want you to be happy.” Then he pulled me into his arms and held me for a long time.

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