Page 170 of Verses

While Wolf went into the back, I said to the guys, “Great job tonight.”

Kyle said, “You too, Hayl. I thought you were a great vocalist before, but you’re getting even better. Some of the shit you’re doing with your new vocals is…I don’t know the word I’m looking for.”

“Subtle, dude,” Pedro said. “That’sthe word you’re looking for.”

“Nuanced,” said Adrian before downing a large glass of water.

“Nuanced? Dude, you sound like Einstein.”

“But he’s right,” Wolf said, nearly making me jump. I hadn’t noticed him come back to the stage. “You’re doing things with your voice you’ve never done before—and you’re stretching.”

Kyle grinned. “We all are—and it’s finally paying off.”

Wolf said, “Have a good night, guys. You’ve earned this.”

Once more, that idea of earning and deserving echoed in my head—but I knew Wolf was right. We’d worked our asses off, and if putting in that effort meant we deserved anything, it would certainly be the results we were enjoying.

“Ready?” he asked, looking at me, now wearing his leather jacket.

“Yep.”

As we walked out the front door of The Apothecary, I struggled with how to begin what I wanted to say. I considered myself a wordsmith, but they always failed me when it was important.

Fortunately, Wolf broke the ice. “I think it’s all the work you’re doing learning music that’s showing in your vocals.”

“You think?”

“I do. You’re seeing music in a whole new light and it’s informing your performance.”

I doubted that. Music had always been instinctual for me. It came from somewhere deep inside. But it might have beenlearning all the new songs and really digging in, trying new techniques and discovering I actually enjoyed some of them.

We took a few steps down the sidewalk and I was back to trying to figure out what I wanted to say.

But Wolf spoke first, his voice soft. “I was thinking about what you said…how you feel like you deserve to be treated like shit. Nobody deserves to be treated like that.”

“I…know. But I’ve felt that way ever since I was a little kid.”

“Jesus.”

“I can’t remember how old I was when my dad left. Ashley was a baby. I was probably four. I just remember one time my dad beating the shit out of my mom. She called the police and they took him away in handcuffs. My grandma was still alive back then and we stayed with her for a while until my mom got a job. When we moved out, it was just the three of us for a while. Until Jeff.”

We walked in silence for a while, because I was getting ready to dive into the abyss, a place I’d tried to avoid for most of my life, even though creatures escaped that dark hole from time to time.

“Who’s Jeff?” Wolf asked.

“My first stepdad. I know my mom thought he was hot, because they’d make out in the living room in front of Ashley and me all the time. I’d run to my bedroom so I wouldn’t have to see it and drag Ashley along with me. But…” I took a deep breath, steeling myself. “We couldn’t hide from that guy. My grandma hated him. She must have seen something my mom couldn’t. Looking back, I’m pretty sure my mom’s ego was bruised from all the time she’d spent with my dad, and along came Jeff, full of flattery and lies. When we were little, Ashley had a bad lisp, and he’d make fun of her. At first, he’d do it was when my mom wasn’t around but then he started doing it all the time. And mom would say things like, ‘Jeff, don’t,’ but it didn’t stop him.”

“Sounds like he could have stood having a real man beat him.”

“Yeah. Once Ashley started school, she had a teacher who took her under her wing and coached my mom and finally my sister was able to get into therapy—not just speech therapy but talk therapy. Fortunately, my sister thrived after that, and when Phil came along, he was a far cry from asshole Jeff.”

“Sounds like your mom had a hard time picking good guys.”

I shoved my hands in my jacket as we continued walking. “I’m sure some psychiatrist would have a heyday picking her brain apart. My aunt Shelly—her older sister—wasn’t like that.” I was quiet for a bit and, when Wolf didn’t say anything else, I said, “I never told my mom what Jeff did to me.”

“What he did toyou?”

I nodded in the darkness as we continued walking down the sidewalk. I was glad we were moving but, more than that, I was relieved I didn’t have to look him in the eyes. “I can’t remember how long they’d been together when it started and I don’t know how long it happened. All I know is after my mom got pregnant with Derek, Jeff left and we never heard from him again. Even Child Support couldn’t track him down.”

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