Page 157 of Verses

Pedro said, “That’s negative thinking, Wolf man. I think it’ll work the opposite way. We have a few friends who wind up fucking loving our shit and telling everybody they gotta see us. And it’s not like they won’t want to see us again.”

“Itcouldwork that way.”

“Itwillwork that way.” It was hard not to get caught up in Pedro’s infectious enthusiasm—and anticipating a few people coming to watch us at our last practice of the week seemed to fuel one of the best sessions we’d ever had.

At least I had one thing in my life that I loved more than anything else…and no one could ever take that away from me.

CHAPTER 44

Thursday afternoon came quickly. Our practice on Wednesday had been clunky and stiff, so I was dreading having a crowd come see us. We’d begun working on our setlist to prepare for playing live and, even though most of the individual songs sounded okay, there was no fluidity or cohesion to the whole.

I hoped that would come over time.

But we’d already invited people to watch, and I was regretting it. I’d personally invited Claire and told her she could bring a friend or boyfriend.

I wondered if what was currently happening in the band was a reflection of what was happening in our personal lives and then I reminded myself that we wouldalwayshave some kind of personal shit happening. We’d have to figure out how to perform well despite whatever was going on behind the scenes.

And maybe this was the perfect opportunity. Now that we’d committed, like it or not, I decided to take this as a gift. After the show, I planned to ask Claire what she thought about both our new and old material, because the only people we’d gotten any feedback from were all the bars regulars who were already fans. But even if they weren’t enthusiastic fans the likes of Crazy Stu,they were used to what we were doing here. By this point, it felt like most of them were tuning us out.

Not that I blamed them. Watching people practice incessantly would be boring as hell.

So I wanted to hear from somebody who liked the kind of music we played but hadn’t heard it over and over and over. Claire was perfect for the task.

As it got closer to five o’clock, the makeup of the people in the bar didn’t change. No new souls walked through the doors into the cavern where we’d be performing. Until that moment, I wouldn’t have thought it would disappoint me.

Still, as they said, the show must go on.

We had five minutes to go, and the guys were all testing their equipment, tuning their instruments and checking cords and such. I decided to check my makeup in the bathroom and give myself a peptalk.

If the sink had been clean, I probably would have placed my hands on it to lean forward and scrutinize my face up close. Instead, I settled for looking from a foot or two away. My makeup was fine—but I was not. I’d been trying to ignore the onslaught of emotions inside…the feelings of worthlessness, of unworthiness, of isolation.

Having Claire there would have helped with some of that. In an ocean of people, she’d have been a beacon in this dark time, and her support would have felt like a soothing balm.

I searched my green eyes, adorned in darker makeup than usual, trying to find the strength I’d always possessed. I’d made it this far—from a dysfunctional family through the threat of homelessness and figuring out how to survive till now—and I wasn’t about to give up.

As Pedro might have said, I wasHayley Fucking Young—and I had a show to do. Regardless of if there were no people outthere or there was a crowd, I had a show to perform and I was going to do it.

And I didn’t want any of the guys having to fetch me from the restroom.

So I made my way into the hall and came around the corner. The guys were strumming a few chords, and the hum of the amps put a charge in the air that made the hair on my bare arms stand on end.

It was then that I knew our performance tonight would kick ass, no matter who was out there.

As I came around the corner heading directly for the platform, I took in the scene and smiled. Adrian’s little sister Maria sat at a table right in front of the little stage with two of her friends. Already we had an audience. As I waved, I looked up as the door opened and Claire entered.

Holy shit. Now I was growing nervous…because this was real.

Come on, Hayley. This isn’t the first show you’ve performed in your life.

No…but it was the first in a long time that I gave a serious shit about. We were about to find out if our months of toil were going to pay off.

I heard the guys muttering behind me, so I turned to look at Kyle, intentionally avoiding eye contact with Wolf. Kyle asked, “Are you ready?”

I whispered, “Should we wait?”

“It’s a minute after five. I say we go for it. If anybody gets here late, it’s not like they’ll miss the whole show.”

After I gave him a quick nod, he turned to Adrian, who nodded back, bringing his drumsticks above his head. In my brain, I could hear the count:one-two-three-fourand I drew a slow, deep breath into my lungs. Then the guys started playing the first song—hard and heavy, loud and almost violent. We’d chosen this song, one I called “Just Drive,” as the first in our listbecause if people loved it, they’d enjoy our entire catalog. If they couldn’t handle this one, it was better for them to know right up front so they could leave before investing in a bottle of beer.

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