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She smiled, her eyes lighting up as if she were about to divulge a scandal. “We’ll probably have to drink two or three of these babies to get through all that.”

“That’s okay. I’m buying.”

Claire laughed and I couldn’t help but join in, settling in to listen to my friend tell me what was going on in her life. I doubted she needed my advice, but I had a good ear.

The thought of Wolf clung to the back of my mind, and I hoped my subconscious worked out what I needed to do while I gave undivided attention to my friend.

CHAPTER 43

An hour later, Claire and I left Early Rise but continued talking on the sidewalk. “Do you guys have any dates set for shows yet?”

“No, not yet—but soon, I think. I’ll let you know when.”

“You’ve told me so much about the changes, I’m eager to see what you guys have going on.”

“We’re just as excited for you to see it. We’re working on a couple more new songs and polishing up the ones we already have. I promise it’ll be worth it.” Until I’d talked about it, I hadn’t realized just how eager I was to share our new material with an audience of hungry listeners. “If you really wanted, you could watch one of our practice sessions. We do them at the bar in front of everybody.”

“That seems gutsy.”

“You’d think so…but it works. We don’t have a lot of people hanging out on weekday afternoons—just a few regulars who are probably too drunk to care. I know you’re probably working most times, but feel free to check us out if you want.”

“I sometimes have time between appointments—so I might just surprise you.”

“I make no promises.” I gave a tiny laugh and then said, “Thanks, by the way.”

“For what?”

“For talking with me. I needed it more than you know.”

Claire pulled the strings on her hoodie to defend against the biting breeze. “I needed it too, girl. We need to do this more often.”

“I agree.”

“Thanks for the coffee.”

“Anytime.” Suddenly, things felt a little awkward, so I gave her a quick hug. “Take care.”

“You too. And protect your heart, girl.” To emphasize her words, she made a heart shape with both of her hands where she bent her index fingers and touched them and the thumbs together. Then she smiled and walked a few steps before getting in her car.

As for me, I turned the other way and began a slow walk back to the apartment. Although it was growing colder out and I was sure a storm was coming, I was more focused on the tempest within.

After my talk with Claire, I was convinced that things were over with Wolf—and I wished I could be like Claire: shutting myself off from any potential pain, leaving enough emotional distance to avoid getting hurt.

But I didn’t want that. As much as that stupid voice in my head told me I didn’t deserve love, that didn’t mean I didn’t need it. I didn’t want to be like my mom, either. She’d gotten lucky with Phil. He’d stayed by her all these years, something her track record wouldn’t have predicted. I didn’t want to luck into a relationship.

I wanted to love the man I was with, feel like he was the only guy for me.

Unfortunately, I was starting to think Wolf wasn’t that guy.

And I knew that any relationship I had wouldn’t be as good as what we’d had at the beginning. What I deserved was what Kyle and I had had: we knew we had each other’s backs, but we were miserable the entire time we were together. Maybe now that we’d been apart, though, things could be different.

Kyle was trying to change.

No. That wasn’t a good idea either. What would stop us from falling into the same old patterns? And was I happy? Not at all. Neither of us had been. Even considering that was stupid.

As I approached my apartment, I thought maybe Claire was right, much as I’d initially bristled at her explanation. I wasn’t destined for happiness or true love. I’d already gotten far more than had been allotted to me at birth. I needed to wake up and admit it to myself: all men would always treat me badly at some point, and, deep in my being, I knew I deserved it. It was something I was destined to experience, so why fight it?

Instead of looking for true love, I needed to be like Claire. Either date just for fun, keeping the guy at a distance and breaking it off when I saw things deteriorating, or just not date at all.

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