Page 154 of Verses

I hadn’t thought about our age difference in a while…but it made me wonder if maybe that was part of what Wolf had been struggling with of late. I said to Claire, “He’s old enough that he could be my dad if he’d started young. But that’s not the problem. Wolf’s a good guy. He has a good heart—but something’s going on lately, and I can’t figure out what it is.”

“What do you mean exactly?”

I was so grateful that she wasn’t blowing me off. She was actually intent and engaged, eager to help. It made it easier for me to keep talking. “When we first got together, we spent a lot more time together. And it’s been hard, because we don’t have a lot of time that we can actuallybetogether. His work shifts are at night and mine are in the early morning. And we have band practices in the afternoon.”

“That’s tough.” Claire took another sip of her drink, relishing it, and I was so glad I’d chosen it for her.

It was the least I could do, considering I was all but dumping on her. “Needless to say, we didn’t have a lot of time to spend together anyway. But when we first hooked up, it seemed like every free moment we had we were together.”

“I think that’s pretty normal.”

“Yeah. So now it feels like he’s making excuses to not spend time with me. When I’ve asked, he’s even told me things like he’s tired or he’s too busy. Or the worst one: he’s got some things to work through. What the hell does that even mean?”

“Shit. That’s Guy Speak. I have theories but I’m not good at translating.”

I managed to chuckle. “I don’t know. It just feels like something’s changed but like he doesn’t have the heart to tell me.”

Nodding, Claire stared at her paper cup for a few moments before looking at me. “You know, Hayley, if you want stay with him, I’m probably not the right person to talk to.”

“I just need somebody who’s going to be honest with me. Just tell me truthfully what you think.”

A smile appeared on Claire’s lips but it never quite reached her eyes. “Okay. Well, here’s the thing. I think all men are trash. They’reallscumbags. They seem to think we’re just here to be their little play toys. When they get us home from the store, they take us out of the box, adore us and play with us. And it’s fun at first because we’re brand new and shiny, but after they’ve worn us out and they get tired of us, then we don’t matter to them anymore and they go back to the store for something new.”

Holy shit.And I thoughtmyidea of relationships was fucked up. Claire took it to a whole new level.

“You really feel that way?”

“I sure do.”

“But—”

“Yeah, it’s not like I don’t have relationships. But I’ve been burned so many fucking times. So nowadays…I like men for a little while. I’m no nun. I like to get laid like any other girl, and I like when men find me attractive. I love to flirt. But I don’t let my heart get involved. I don’t. I can’t and I won’t.”

“But how can you do that? How can you stop yourself from falling in love?” I was impressed on one level and I had to hear her answer.

“It’s easy. The whole time I’m with him, I’m constantly reminding myself that he doesn’t care about me. I’m just a piece of meat to him and he will never love me, so there’s no sense getting my hopes up about any of it.”

Was it a self-fulfilling prophecy? “That’s kind of harsh.” I was feeling awful that I hadn’t spent more time with Claire since graduating, because she’d obviously had some pretty shitty relationships and could use a friend.

“Yeah, but it keeps me from putting myself in a position where my heart gets hurt. So it’s totally worth it. You should try it sometime.”

I pondered it for a little bit, gazing into my Americano. What Claire said actually made sense on one level. I could remember all the guys that my mom dated and all the times they broke her heart—until Phil, of course. And because her heart was broken, she always lashed out at them, broke their belongings they’d been stupid enough to leave in our home. She’d sometimes get physical about it, slapping or punching, because it was the only way she could deal with her overwhelming emotions.

I never wanted to be like that. Jesus. I could remember feeling embarrassed watching some of my mother’s tantrums and emotional breakdowns. But I suspected that if she’d handled relationships like Claire did, she would have been a lot happier.

Maybe I would too.

Maybe Claire was right. Maybe relationships were overrated. There were still plenty of people who got married and stayed together, but were they actually in love? How long had Kyle and I stayed together after we’d both known it was over?

So I realized Claire was probably one-hundred percent correct. I just had to come to grips with it somehow.

And that meant that I had to accept that Wolf and I were over.

“Thank you. I appreciate your advice.”

“No problem. But I don’t know how much I helped.”

“You did.” I took a sip of my lukewarm coffee and said, “Okay, so tell me what’s been up with you lately.”

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