Page 150 of Verses

Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up.

Still, I took him at his word and decided to persevere. Even though Valentine’s was on a night when I’d have to get up early the next morning for work, I wanted to spend time with my boyfriend. I hoped things would feel normal between us if we celebrated our relationship.

The day finally arrived.

Once the rest of our bandmates had left after practice, I sat at the bar. After Wolf delivered a beer to the regular old guy at the end, I put on the happiest smile I could muster. “I’m coming home with you after work so we can celebrate Valentine’s Day.”

The look on his face seemed genuine. “I’m sorry, bird. I’m tired…and I need some time to myself. Let’s plan on spending time together later.”

Jesus Christ. That crushed me as if his words were an anvil pressing into my heart. I only hoped my face didn’t show how much it hurt. It was beginning to feel like what we had was water, and it was slipping through my fingers. All I could do was watch as it fell to the ground, absorbed into the earth.

Gone forever.

Although I nodded, my expression must have been hard to miss. He said, “I just need some space today. It’s not you, baby. It’s me.” After a second, he added, “Why don’t we plan on celebrating Sunday. Does that sound okay?”

“Yeah. That sounds good.” But I was so afraid to allow myself to hope for anything at this point.

His eyes softened as he brushed my cheek with his hand, making me question everything I thought I’d been experiencing. “See you tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay.”

But I really wondered if it would ever be okay again.

The next night after practice,Kyle offered me a ride home. I asked, “Don’t you have to work?”

“Nah. I have the night off.”

Instead of teasing him for driving the few short blocks to The Apothecary, I said, “Thanks.” After all, it was still winter and probably the coldest part. I followed him out the door.

“What kind of asshole would make his roommate walk when they’re leaving from and going to the same places?”

“Well, um…” I said as we approached his car. “You might have done that to me once or twice in the past when we were fighting.”

“Did I?” He unlocked the doors with his key fob and we both got in. As soon as I sat down on the cold vinyl seat, my teeth began to chatter. When Kyle turned on the ignition, he said, “I know I was an asshole to you a lot in the past. But I’m trying to change, Hayl.”

He backed out of the parking spot and drove down Main Street to the end of the block before making a left-hand turn. He could have made a U-turn at that spot, but Charlotte police were notorious for busting drivers for doing it. “The sign clearly says…” they’d say as they wrote a citation. Needless to say, natives knew the drill: drive around the block.

I said to Kyle, “I can see that.”

“Can you? Is it obvious?”

“Yeah. Instead of losing your shit, you seem to be pausing to make sure that’s what you really want to do.”

He started laughing as he turned the corner, heading us in the right direction. “That’s because Iam. My therapist says my first reaction is to lose my shit but when she asked how that’sworking for me, I told her it’s not. It’s fucked up a lot of relationships and even put my job in jeopardy. It’s not working at all. So she wanted me to try pausing before I react.”

“That sounds hard.”

“It was at first. But I practiced it. If I’m in a conversation where I’m feeling emotional, I try counting to three in my head before I say anything.” As he turned back onto Main Street, he said, “Obviously, I still have a way to go.”

“Yeah, but it’s working.”

“Thanks for noticing. I think I needed to hear that.”

I smiled, feeling much better about our friendship, because I was thinking for a while that we’d wind up only being able to discuss band matters—and tersely, at that. This, though, what we had right here—this could and would be a workable friendship.

Before we got to the apartment building, he asked, “So how are things going with you and Wolf?”

Jesus. I didn’t know if I could handlethatmuch friendship—talking about my boyfriend with my ex. That just seemed like a little too much.

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