Page 136 of Verses

When he finally looked up, he said, “Hayley, I just…I want you to know thatIknow I’ve been a total dick. More than once. And I’m sorry that I’ve kind of made your life hell.” He looked down at his coffee again. “I think I might have told you that it stings a little bit that you’ve managed to move on so quickly.”

“Quickly?” That would have been amusing had it not been so wrong…because Kyle had started sleeping around long before Wolf and I had even kissed.

“That’s how it feels. And I can’t help that there’s a part of me that feels hurt and lashes out at you because of it.”

I nodded, but I wanted to say it would have been nice if he would have just put forth a little effort.

“But I want us to be friends.”

Sitting up, I waited until his eyes met mine again. “Look, Kyle, you know you’ve said this shit before. You’ve apologized before and now you’re doing it again. How can I trust that you’re not going to do this again in a couple of weeks?”

“I can’t make any promises, Hayl, but…” Pausing, he took a sip of his coffee. “Something I haven’t told anybody… You’re the first person I’m telling. I’m seeing somebody.”

So he was dating. Like I didn’t know that. I nodded, trying to keep my cool, but inside I was in turmoil. I wanted to scream at him,Who gives a shit?I mean, at this point, what did that have to do with me?

But then he set me straight. “A therapist.”

“Wait. What? A therapist?”

“Yeah, a therapist…as in mental health. You know as well as I do that I have unhealthy relationships. I’m a dick and I lash out. But that’s not all. You know the problems I’ve had with addiction—and I guess it’s because it’s one of the few ways I know how to deal with my emotions and all this shit inside my head. I don’t know how to let shit go. I don’t know how to process stuff. I got a lot of problems. I got a lot of shit in my head, Hayley. You know this because you’ve known me for a long time.”

Holy shit. From Kyle…this was huge. So I shut my mouth and tried to make sure my eyes communicated empathy.

“And I’m tired. I can’t deal with it anymore. And IknowI can’t deal with it the way I have in the past, not to mention that I’m still dealing with the grief and trauma of losing my brother.” Jesus—just hearing him use those words told me he’d beenpaying attention to the person counseling him. “So that’s why I started seeing a therapist.”

Wasthatwhere he’d been this afternoon? No matter what, this man needed my friendship and support. “That’s a pretty serious step, Kyle. That tells me that you’re serious about taking care of yourself.”

“Yeah, I am. So what I’m trying to tell you is…you know, if you still gotta move out, that’s cool. That’s fine. I get it. I’m not going to stop you and I’m not going to make a big stink about it. But if you want to stay—just you and me as roommates trying to be friends—I want to promise you that I’m making the best effort I possibly can to be better to you.”

My voice was soft. “I appreciate that.”

“I’m a work in progress, but Iammaking an effort, and I just want you to know that.”

“Thanks, Kyle. That means a lot…and as long as you’re working at it, I promise to always be your friend and I’ll be the best friend I can be.”

“Wearefriends.

I stood then as what almost looked like a smile appeared on his face. “Can I give you a hug?”

“Yeah, I would love that.” He stood and we embraced, and, as I held him in my arms for the first time in a long time, I felt compassion for Kyle.

Without guilt.

And I had hope for our future: not just the band but our future as friends. Our history made it hard for me to hold onto, so I prayed one of us wouldn’t find a way to fuck up this new truce that we both so desperately needed.

CHAPTER 37

After Kyle went to work, I spent the evening unpacking. But first I checked my phone. I found it odd that Wolf hadn’t texted me back. Had he missed my last one? Or had he gotten busy at work?

Ididhave a message from Claire about finding a roommate:I can’t think of anybody off the top of my head but I can ask around if you want.

I texted her right back.Thanks, Claire. Don’t worry about it!I sent a couple of heart emojis at the end…and then went back to staring at my conversation with Wolf.

Well, whether he was feeling weird about the whole thing, something I hadn’t intended, or if he’d just gotten busy, I wanted to update him.Never mind. Kyle and I worked it out. All good now. Hope you’re having a good night.

And then I got busy putting everything back where it belonged. All that effort for these boxes for nothing. I decided to break them down but leave them in the back of my closet. While I wanted to believe Kyle was changing for the better and that he’d meant everything he’d said, only time would tell, and I refused to tolerate any more bullshit.

I wanted to be his friend. I wanted to be there for him. But only if that didn’t come at the expense of myself.

---