Page 48 of In a Haze

The only thing that makes me believe it’s probably true is that magazine Sharon showed us. That appeared to be real.

But what about Joe? He’s been here longer than I have. I suppose, over time, if he continued not taking his meds, I might see a change in his personality if he’s truly bipolar, but he seems to be as sane as anyone.

They didn’t give me meds tonight, maybe because they gave them to me this morning. Soon, I’m in a dark bedroom waiting impatiently. But it hits me that I need to go pee. If I don’t go now, I could completely jeopardize our exploration later. Like I did a few nights ago, I bang on the door. According to Joe, a guard should come down the hall at some point. Soon, I see a tech across the hall at someone’s open door, so I bang again. She looks over but ignores the noise I’m making.

I’m persistent, though.

After a couple of minutes, the tech is closing the door to that room around the same time the guard comes walking through. Before I can even start banging on my door again, I see her talking to him and looking at my door. Together, they walk over. When the guard unlocks the door, the tech asks, “What’s going on?”

“I need to pee.”

Not even refraining from rolling her eyes, she also sighs. “Carl, can you take her? I still have a couple of patients to tend to.”

“No problem,” he says, eyeing me. “Let’s go.”

Oh, yes, I need to shuffle and act slow. I almost forgot because I needed to go so badly. We’re halfway down the hall when he says, “Your name’s Clawson, right?”

I’ve never seen this man before—at least, not that I recall. “Yes.”

“You’re on my list.” What does that even mean? “You’re not gonna be giving me any trouble tonight, are you?”

Only if he considers breaking out a problem.

“No, sir.”

“Good. I like that. ‘Cause I really don’t want to have to follow you into the girls’ room. That might be frowned upon.”

I feel a sense of relief at that.

When we get there, he says, “Five minutes. Otherwise, I’m coming in there after you.”

I nod, freaking out a little, but I can’t imagine it’ll take me more than sixty seconds to do my business. As I’m walking in the door, though, I hear a violent scream down another wing and I see him go running. Probably like last time, I’ll have to take myself back to my room. And how will that screw up my plans with Joe? I guess I’ll need to make sure the guard knows I’m back or else they’ll go looking for me.

I wonder if I should go by Joe’s room after, just to let him know.

For now, though, I need to take care of my bladder. Quickly, I make my way into a stall and relieve myself. As I’m doing so, I hear a sink running. Is that the cleaning lady I saw the other night, a patient, or maybe even a worker? If it’s a worker, maybe I could have her escort me to my room so she can report to the guard.

After I flush the toilet, I unlock the door and head to the sinks—and who should I see there but the last person I would have wanted?

It’s Bobbi, resident bully, and I don’t thinknemesisis too strong a word.

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t Anna, my very special friend.”

I ignore her, averting my eyes to the sink, turning on the water.

“You really don’t remember, do you?”

Now I’m clamping my jaw. There’s a lot I don’t remember, but I’m not telling her.

“Maybe I need to fuck you again. Refresh your memory.” Now I glance up, looking at her reflection in the mirror. The smile on her face makes my skin crawl. She’s holding up her hands—one she’s holding in a fist and twisting it as if shoving it inside something and the other hand is waving her toothbrush.

Jesus. I can’t remember but something in my brain is screaming, pumping fear hormones in my veins, telling me to run, run as fucking far away as I can.

But that’s what I’ve been doing the whole time I’ve been here, isn’t it? Somehow I know this. I know that, before I came here, I was a fighter. Not in the literal sense, but figuratively. I stood up for myself and what was right and, when I came here, they drugged the spirit out of me, made me docile and weak, made me forget who I was.

What I was.

So as I shake the water off my hands, I feel something rising in my chest. It’s like bile but that’s not it.

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