Page 33 of In a Haze

I need to get the pills out from under my mattress before Rose comes in. While I’m sure I could say something like I couldn’t sleep because I was uncomfortable or something else, I’d rather not have to try to lie. So I get down on my knees and lift the mattress, holding it up with one hand and grabbing for the pills with the other. I think to myself that this isn’t a bad hiding place. If I had to wait until later in the day to dump the evidence, I think it could work, but I’m too paranoid about leaving them there untended.

Then I sit back on the bed, resting my back against the wall. I really want to get that girl’s face out of my head, but it’s proving to be quite a task. So, instead, I focus on thoughts of Joe, of last night. How can I be falling in love with him already? Is it because he’s my only true friend here or is it due to the feeling that he knows me underneath it all?

After waiting a while, it feels later than usual, making me wonder again when Rose will show up. I go to the door and look out the window to find my neighbor across the hall also looking out. I hold up my hand in greeting and he also holds up his hand but then bends most of his fingers until he’s flipping me off.

I know what that means, and I can’t help the frown that spreads across my face. Trying to ignore him, I look to the left and then the right but the hall seems empty.

It wouldn’t be so bad if I had something to do in here.

So I stand in front of the windows facing outside the building and just stare out. Finally, I hear my door opening and turn to see Rose. “Sorry you’ve been waiting, honey. It’s been a crazy morning around here.”

I give her a small smile and nod.

“I bet you really have to go to the bathroom, huh?”

I don’t but I nod anyway. For some stupid reason, I worry that she might be able to catch a whiff of the lingering smell of sex in my room, particularly coming off my body. I need to shower to remove the evidence.

But, first, the pills.

Already, I’ve fallen into a routine here and, soon, I’m in the line at the cafeteria. As I stand there, I see Joe at the end, getting his beverages before sitting down. The place is packed, maybe because I’m getting here later than usual, but I have no idea. When I’m able to join Joe, Harley and Cleo are also sitting at the same table—so I know we won’t be able to talk about last night and probably not about any of the things I’d wanted to discuss.

Maybe tonight then.

I can’t help the shy smile that spreads over my face as I sit next to him, and he gives me a knowing one back. We have a huge secret now, one that binds us, unites us in this sea of madness. He is my ally, my partner, and I feel more confident.

Happier, even.

Have I ever felt this way before?

“Stupid assholes,” Harley says. “If I find out who did it…” He takes a bite of ham, leaving his words unspoken.

Joe says, “Did you hear what happened?”

“No.”

“Somebody clogged all but one of the toilets in the men’s bathroom.”

“Why would they do that?”

Harley says, “We’re all crazy here, doll. Haven’t you noticed? Nothing anybody does makes sense.” Actually, Harley doesn’t seem so crazy to me. Pissed off maybe and probably severely depressed, but not out of his mind.

Joe says, “So everybody around here’s all stressed because they’re running behind in their schedules.” I hadn’t thought much about it till now, but, of course, the workers have duties they need to accomplish throughout the day. I’ve been too focused on myself to consider it.

“Stupid assholes,” Cleo says, mimicking Harley. “Stupid assholes.”

“Eat your eggs, Cleo.”

“Stupid assholes,” she says again, shoving a huge spoonful of runny eggs into her mouth.

“So,” Joe says, “I’m giving Anna a tour today. She wants to see my room, but we can come by your rooms, too.”

Harley shakes his head. “I don’t care, but I don’t know what you think you’ll see.”

“Nothing except where you lay your head.”

“Knock yourself out,” says Harley, cutting off another piece of ham with his fork. “If that’s what you find fun around here, don’t let me stop you. Gotta do something to occupy yourself, I guess.”

I feel Joe’s hand on my thigh, giving it a gentle squeeze—reminding me of how we occupied ourselves the night before.

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