Page 18 of In a Haze

“You know, it’s easy to lose track of time here, especially when no one gives a shit about you. I don’t even know what year it is anymore, but I think I turned thirty-two at my last birthday.”

Oh, that makes me so sad, so I touch his hand. He flashes a little grin at me, but he’s busy chewing his breakfast. I have some on my plate and I know I need to eat, but the way the cooking’s been around here, I’m not hopeful. Still, I need to try.

Fortunately, I’m pleasantly surprised. “This is pretty good,” I say, finishing a bite.

“Yeah, the weekend cooks seem to give more of a shit than the regulars.”

“I’ll have to remember that.” If I can remember when weekends occur, that is, but my memory seems to be getting stronger every day.

He lowers his voice, keeping his eyes looking across the room but clearly speaking to me. “How did medicine disposal go this time?”

“I’m not sure. It was easy enough to get rid of, but I was locked in my room last night, so I had to bang on the door until a guard let me out.”

“Yeah, it’s easier to do it right at lights out.”

“I might try something else.”

“Likewhatexactly?”

“I don’t know yet. I’m thinking.”

Now he shifts his eyes to look directly in mine. “I’m loving that about the new you.”

The new me. I likethat.

We eat in silence for a bit, just looking at the slow line of people eventually finding a seat, and Joe seems happy and content. I sense in him an underlying dissatisfaction, unease, but right at this moment, it seems all is well in his world.

And I suspect I know why.

Maybe that’s why I don’t have any barriers preventing me from saying what I say next. “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about last night.”

“What—when I kissed you?”

I feel a blush warming my cheeks, but I admit it. “Yes.”

“There’s plenty more where that came from.”

Grinning, I look down at my hand, but I have no words.

“You are so damn cute,” he says. “I love how you do that.”

“Do what?”

“You get all shy and embarrassed and look away when we start talking about matters of attraction.”

He’s right, because I feel awkward. If I have experience in these areas, it’s doing me no good, because I can’t remember any of it.

“And I love that about you, Anna. It’s a new side of you I can’t resist.” I swallow the bite in my mouth as he adds, “I’ll make sure we get more time alone today.”

I can hardly wait. I’m almost as curious to find out more about Joe, physically, yes, but in every other way as well, as I am about myself.

After breakfast, we walk to my room. Now I haven’t asked, but I suspect that being in our rooms is not necessarily against any rules but frowned upon, especially because Joe had said yesterday we have to leave the door open. For now, I don’t care. Until someone specifically tells me he can’t be in there with me, I’ll continue inviting him.

And I am definitely hoping for another kiss.

But I have other goals in mind as well. Aside from being overly preoccupied with Joe, the rest of me wants to know what is missing in my head. What are all of the things of my life that I can’t grab hold of?

The other question iswhybut I figure I’m even less likely to find that answer.

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