Page 16 of In a Haze

“No such thing.”

*

A few minutes before dinner, Joe goes to the bathroom while I decide to see if I can find the oldDSMbook that was taken out of my room. I’m hoping to find it where it was yesterday, but something deep inside tells me I won’t.

The bookshelves seem a little neater today, and I wonder if maybe I straightened them up when I was on my quest yesterday. First, I look on the shelf where I first found the book to see if it was returned to that spot. It’s pretty large, so it’ll be impossible to miss. It’s not there, though, so now I thoroughly scour each shelf, letting my eyes examine each one as they pass over, looking in particular for the green cover.

It doesn’t take me long to determine it’s not on the bookshelves. I back up so I can see if maybe there’s a book laying flat on top, but it’s not. Then I glance around the room.

There are no other books in here.

But I also know there’s a pile of magazines in the rec room and maybe a couple of books. It’s possible someone cleaning my room just dropped it in there. The room is empty, just like the living area, and I know it’s because everyone’s lined up for dinner. I heard mutterings about turkey tetrazzini and macaroni and cheese being people’s favorites, and they were eager to dig in.

I don’t have much of an appetite and the food here hasn’t been too appealing to me—and, besides, I want to locate that book. Dinner can wait.

There are only magazines on the plastic end table between two pieces of furniture, but there’s a bottom shelf, so I get down on my hands and knees to see if there’s anything down there.

There’s no book, but there’s something behind the table itself, something white, like a crumpled-up note. Crawling underneath is like sticking my head inside a cave, but I reach in and pull it out. As I bring it closer, I realize it’s one of those tiny paper cups they put our meds in—but they always collect the cups.

Unless in some cases they forget.

I realize that there are meds inside this cup, crumpled, completely overlooked.

“What the hell are you doing, Clawson?”

The raised voice startles me so badly, I hit the back of my head on the top of the table before backing up out of there. It’s Red. Without even thinking, I say, “I was looking for a book.”

“The books are in there, dummy,” she says, pointing toward the living room. “But it’s dinner time. If you really want to read during dinner, grab one of those magazines.”

I have that cup of medicine in my hand. Had it been Rose here, I might have told her what I found, but I don’t trust Red, not one bit. Before I stand, I consider leaving the meds there, but if Red remains suspicious, she might check out the area after I’m gone—and if they were to find that cup, they might do what Joe said he knows they do, making sure without a doubt that I’m taking my meds. So I keep the found cup in my hand. I consider for a second tucking it in my sweats, but they’re way too loose.

As I stand, I try not to completely face her, hoping she can’t see my hand. “I’ll just go to dinner.”

“Yeah, you do that, sassy pants.”

It’s hard making myself walk calmly toward the doorway, but I do—and as I make my way through, I notice Red looking all around the table, just as I’d feared. My hand grips the cup, and I’m grateful I thought to bring it. It’s not until I’m able to drop it in the trash in the dining room with all my food scraps that I’m once again able to breathe easy.

Joe has but one thing to say about that: “I guess weallwant to wake up.”

*

That night I’m in bed, and I can’t stop thinking about that kiss. How it curled my toes. Thrilled me to my every nerve ending. Continues to keep my awake.

Oh, but I still have the pills, and Joe had suggested going to the bathroom now instead of in the morning. So I try opening my door and it’s locked. That’s something I didn’t expect but, I suppose, it makes sense. So I knock on it. Once, twice, multiple times. I stand here for a while and then, finally, I see someone walking by, and I knock again. This person’s a big man—tall, arms like tree trunks. How do I remember tree trunks? Suddenly, a memory flashes in my head of when I was a little girl hugging a tree before bringing my arms in tight.

Hide and seek.

My first real solid memory outside of this place.

But this guy says, “Go back to bed.”

“I need to pee.”

Maybe thisisn’tgoing to work.

“Let me go get a nurse for you.”

Yelling, I say, “I just need to pee!”

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