Page 89 of To Save Him

He waited for me to look at him and then I noticed the smirk on his face.  He’d been morose and sullen for the past couple of weeks, so I hadn’t expected something close to joy in his eyes.  It threw me off guard.  “Regarding your inability to stop worrying about what other people think.  People who don’t matter.”  I took in a deep breath but said nothing.  “And I have an answer.”  I swallowed, still not sure if I should respond, and then he asked, “Do you trust me?”

I lied.  “Yes.”

 

* * *

 

TRUST OR NOT, I was now in a position where I would need to tell my kids something, even if not the whole truth, and I wasn’t sure how to introduce the subject.  But every day that got closer to what Brandon had planned reminded me that I couldn’t keep our relationship, no matter what it had become, secret anymore.  Even if I didn’t tell JR, I’d have to let Annabel in on the secret.

And I had no idea how to do it.

What helped even less was the niggling belief that perhaps Annabel and Brandon were interested in (or maybe already involved with) each other.  But I knew I had to get past that.  And my preoccupation with telling my kids threw out so many other things out of my head—the need to look at his identification, to forge his signature on documents, to try finding his hospital papers.  All those things were forgotten as my stress levels reached critical mass, and I knew the only way for me to get over it was to take one thing at a time.  I knew this about myself from dealing with stress in the past—it made me forget everything and bury my head in the sand—so I needed to focus on things I could actually do, and talking to my kids was one of them.

With that goal as my sole focus, I sought the perfect opportunity.  It came on Thursday morning when Annabel came to the kitchen for coffee.  I looked up from the newspaper I wasn’t reading and waited for her to sit down.  She looked sleepy but I couldn’t wait for her to completely wake up.  This was a conversation I didn’t want to have with JR around, so better now than later.  I just wasn’t sure how to ease into it, so I asked her, “How’d you sleep last night?”

She shrugged while stirring her coffee.  “I dunno.  I’m having a hard time right now.  Still…kind of upset at Liam.  He keeps bugging me, even though I told him I need some space.”

“You thinking about getting back with him?”

“I really don’t know. But I definitely won’t if he can’t give me time to think about it.”

That statement alone helped quell some of my fears that she and Brandon might be interested in each other.  I didn’t plan to ask that question anyway.  “Well, I think you have the right idea.  Take your time and think things through.  You’re young.  You don’t need to make a decision right away.”

“Well, I’ve already made the decision, mom, and Liam knows it.  Now I just have to see if it was therightdecision.”

Oh, God, what a weird, precarious situation I was in. What the hell did she mean by that?  And I couldn’t just outright ask her…but maybe the subject I needed to broach would lead to all answers.  And, ultimately, I still had to be a good mother.  “Trust your instincts, honey.  They’re usually right.”  She nodded, her lips curled into half a frown, and lifted the mug to her lips.  I took a deep breath and forged ahead, grateful that both my son and lover were nowhere around at the moment.  Had Annabel not been in a robe and slippers, I might have invited her for a sit on the porch.  It was one of the last days of the season when it would be light outside this time of the morning and it might be more private, but Annabel wasn’t dressed for it, which meant I’d just want to keep my voice low.  “I need to ask you a favor.”  My daughter looked up from her coffee but said nothing.  A cocked eyebrow was her only response.  “You don’t have a game Saturday night, right?”

“Yeah.  It’s tomorrow night.  And no practice or work either.  Why?”

Shitty mom again.  I’d forgotten her squad was doing extra practices for an upcoming competition.  Now that my daughter was pretty independent, all but a full-grown adult, I didn’t keep track of her schedule as closely as I used to.  I knew from past experience that she often had Friday and Saturday nights off, because her employer knew she needed those days for cheerleading.  “Do you have any plans?”

She shrugged.  “Not really.  But that could change.”

I nodded.  “Would you mind staying home with JR Saturday night?  I know he’s technically old enough nowadays, but I don’t know how late I’ll be out.”

Annabel’s eyebrow lifted again.  “Yeah, I’m sure JR will love having his sister be a babysitter.”

I swallowed.  “You don’t have totellhim.  But I’ll pay you anyway.”

“I don’t care, mom.  It’s cool.  What do you need me here for?”

I knew she was actually asking what I would be doing. Thiswas going to be the hard part.  I took another slow draw of air before answering.  “I’ll be going out on a date.”

This time, my daughter raised both her eyebrows, but her expression gave nothing away.  “With Brandon?”

All of a sudden, it felt like the room was reeling—or like I was drunk.  Out of all possible responses, the truth—reality—was the last thing I’d expected.  “Yes.  How did you know?”  And, of course, I wondered if Brandon himself had already told her.

Another reason for suspicion.

And why?  What purpose would it serve?  My mind was churning on all the implications, but my full consciousness had to contend with my daughter in the here and now.  She said, “Really, mom?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

A small smile crept up on Annabel’s lips.  “I know you guys were trying to keep it secret, but I’m not stupid.”  The look of horror on my face prompted her to continue.  “Don’t worry.  You weren’t obvious.  JR doesn’t know, I don’t think.”

That didn’t change the fact that I was slightly queasy, trying to figure out first how to explain to my middle school son that I was “dating” a man who could also be my son and second how to wrap my mind around the fact that my daughter already knew.  “How long?”

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