Page 64 of To Save Him

Shock rattled my frame but I needed to remain steady.  Freaking out wouldn’t help my son communicate.  “What makes you feel like that?”

JR was moving tentatively forward, but I could tell that he was unsure of what he had to say.  “You let him move into Gabe’s room and then you got rid of all Gabe’s shit.  It’s like you don’t care anymore.”

And then I couldn’t help it.  Two tears dropped down my cheeks.  Part of me wondered where the hell all this had come from.  After all, my son had seemed to really like Brandon and, I thought, had formed some kind of bond with him when he’d first moved in, but maybe I’d completely missed all this…because of my lust for the young man.  But I had to address the issue first.  “Oh, son, no.  I let Brandon sleep in there at first because he and your brother were very close friends in the service.  It just felt like a natural thing to do, letting him stay in there.  The cleaning?  That…that was forme.  I’ve—”  My voice cracked then, and I used the opportunity to swipe up one of the rough white napkins on the table to wipe my nose.  “I’ve been having a hard time letting go, JR.  I haven’t been able to move on.”  Eventhatsounded horrible to my ears.  I reached over and grabbed JR’s hand and—a good sign—he let me.  “I will never, ever, ever forget your brother, JR.  Like you and Annabel, he was my world, and his leaving…”  I couldn’t call itdeath—that felt too permanent, even though I knew that was exactly what it was.  “It left a huge hole in my heart, JR, a hole that will never be filled.  You probably have one just like it.  So, yes, I can accept Brandon into our home, but he willneverreplace your brother in my heart.  No one could ever do that.”

JR was crying now too but trying to hold back the tears.  He swiped at his face with the back of his hand and kept his gaze down.

I continued.  “Son, do you know what a mausoleum is?”  JR shrugged and kept his eyes on the table.  I understood why—we were in a public place and he couldn’t control his emotions.  I was certain my son knew what a mausoleum was, but I didn’t want the metaphor lost on a misunderstanding.  “It’s a building where dead bodies are kept—like a grave, only in a building.”  I was simplifying, but when he started nodding, I knew he already understood.  “That’s how I’d been treating your brother’s room.  It hurt me so bad—so bad, JR—that I couldn’t bear to look at his room or think about it or even go in there.  Your brother was supposed to outlive me.  And he didn’t.  And his room…it became like a reminder of my pain and loss.  I know you were hurting too, JR, you and Annabel, but all you kids—you’re like a part of me, and so when Gabriel passed, son, part of me passed too.  I didn’t know how to handle it and so the easiest way was just to close his bedroom door and ignore it.  But you know…you know how you put a bandage on a wound, how you do that to protect it from further harm, to help it heal?  That’s exactly what a bandage is designed to do, but there comes a time when you have to take the bandage off.  Otherwise, the wound won’t heal like it’s supposed to.”

I wiped my eyes and JR glanced up at me.  “That’s kind of what cleaning out Gabriel’s room was for me, JR.  I was taking off the bandage.  No, I’ll never heal one hundred percent, but if I don’t heal at all, I can’t be a good mother to you and Annabel.  You’re both still here.  You need me to be a mother to you, right?  And that’s what Gabriel would have wanted.”  I slid my hand across the table and felt relieved when he put his hand in mine.  That meant that he still wasn’t too proud to show his mother affection and also that he no longer worried about being seen.  “Brandon had nothing to do with why I cleaned out Gabriel’s room.”  Well, that wasn’tentirelytrue.  Brandon had given me the courage and strength and support to do it, but it was something I’d needed to do and planned on doing—but JR wouldn’t understand that.  He’d instead blame Brandon, and that blame needed to lie solely with me.  “I needed to do it, just as I would need to take off a bandage so a crusty wound would heal.”  I squeezed JR’s hand.  “Does that make sense?”

JR nodded and wiped his eyes with the back of his free hand.  We were quiet for a few minutes and I gave him one final squeeze before letting go.  That was when he said, “So how come you’re so close to Brandon?”

I could hear the unspoken question—my son was convinced that Brandon had replaced Gabriel in my heart—and that wasnotthe case.  I needed to repeat that reassurance and maybe ease into the truth…although most of that was going to have to wait.  One thing at a time.  “Brandon and I discovered that we have a lot in common.”  My oldest son.  Our fucked-up brains.  A strange attraction.  Things I couldn’t tell my youngest child.  “We just kind of connected, JR, but he’s…not like a son to me.  I know he could be, age-wise, but—we’ve become close friends.”  That was as much truth as I could bear to tell him.  I just hoped it would be enough.

When JR picked up his cup to suck down the remainder of his float, I felt like it was safe to talk again and ask a question.  “I thought you and Brandon got along really well.”

JR nodded.  “We do.  It’s been kinda nice having him around.”  JR pushed the straw around the cup, keeping his eyes from mine, when he said, “It’s almost like Gabe’s home again.

And that was when I understood my son’s upset wasn’t just with me.  He’d been projecting his own internal emotional state on me as well.  He was feeling guilty, feeling likehewas letting Brandon replace Gabriel.  So I knew I needed to reassure my son even more.  “Honey…Gabriel would understand.  After all, he and Brandon were like brothers in the service.  Your brother would have wanted you to welcome Brandon with open arms—and you have.  Just like with me, it doesn’t mean that he’s replaced your brother in your heart.  It means you’ve found room for more.”

JR looked up at me then, blinking back more tears that were threatening, but then he smiled.  “No one will ever replace Gabe.”

I nodded.  “I know, honey.  But he’ll always be in our hearts.”

We just had to find a way to live like that—remembering, celebrating, but also letting go and moving on.  It was a balance I wasn’t sure I knew how to manage…but I was going to continue trying.

 

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