Page 61 of To Save Him

“That’s great.”  I nodded.  “I struggled, but I can see—”

“No, not in a good way.”

My hand was still on his upper arm and I squeezed it, hoping it communicated support.  “What was bad about it?”

He swallowed, looking at the candle once more.  “When I close my eyes and try not to see anything…”  He ground his jaw, as if trying to force his mouth shut, but I saw his nostril flare then.  “I seeeverything.”

“Everything?  What do you mean?”

He swallowed again, leaning over and blowing out the candle.  When he spoke again, his voice sounded weak.  “Things I’d forgotten.  Things I wasn’t supposed to remember.”

Wasn’t supposed to remember?  I was too much a coward to ask what that meant.  I wasn’t ready to know.  “Maybe meditation wasn’t such a good idea.  We can—”

He shook his head then and cupped my cheek.  “No.  I want to keep doing it.”

“Even if it’s painful?”

“Becauseit’s painful.”  He inhaled a deep breath and I could see that he was forming a thought, so I kept my mouth shut, instead searching his eyes, waiting until he was ready to speak.  “I was feeling things I haven’t felt in a while and…I think if I do this more, things will start to make sense.  Right now, my past—especially the past three years—is like a puzzle.  I have a few pieces in place but the rest of it is just a jumble on the table.  Meditating?  It made me feel like I picked up one of those pieces and found the place where it belonged.”

Wow.  “Really?”

“Yeah.  So I want to keep doing this.”

“Then we will.”

 

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