Page 51 of To Save Him

Because, in spite of Brandon’s reassurances, I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d somehow coerced what had transpired between us.

And then my mind—always imagining, thanks to the fiction writer inside—wondered what Brandon’s ulterior motive was.  Maybe Mel had been right.  Maybe Brandon had designs on my daughter.  Maybe something strange and spooky had happened with or between him and Gabriel, and he was here to finish whatever he’d started with my son.

Oh, God.  I had to stop.

Later in the day or not, I had to clear my mind.  I decided to take a walk.  It was still mid-spring so it wouldn’t be too hot outside, and I hope connecting with nature would help.  It was one of my go-tos when I just couldn’t let something go.  Nature and sleep.  Sleep could become unhealthy quickly, though, so I tried to avoid using it for escape when I could—or, at least, only in moderation.  Sleeping eighteen hours in one day is not healthy.  But taking a walk, especially by the pond, had few drawbacks.

And it was lovely this day.  The temperature was pleasant and the sun was bright, the clouds far off in the distance against the light blue sky.  The air smelled clean and fresh and I walked hard, trying to clear my mind and simply enjoy nature.

It wasn’t working, though.

I pounded the ground with my feet, punishing the planet for my brain’s inability to just be fucking happy for once.  In spite of the fact that I was feeling a quite fulfilled on the one hand—sex and orgasms and enjoying nudity with a man for the first time in ages, for heaven’s sake!—on the other hand, I had so many questions…and they all stemmed from the fact that I was grappling with the idea that a young man in his twenties like Brandon would find an older woman like me in my forties attractive.  My brain outright rejected it and my heart, much as it ached to believe, struggled with the notion as well.  Why would a guy like Brandon, who could have his pick of young women (my daughter included, were she not involved with someone already), chooseme?  I was no prize.  Yes, I was in shape, as Brandon had noted that morning, but my head was fucked up.  I was a mother, dealing with maternal issues and still in mourning for my deceased son.

At least I was over my divorce.

It felt like no time had passed by the time I got back home and I was no better off in the head now than when I left.  If a walk couldn’t help me, what could?

A little devil on my shoulder thought I should dig into Brandon’s past.  But that would indicate a lack of trust…and I just couldn’t do that.

I’d have to learn to let go.  And I believed that, with time, it could happen.  Itwould, right?

So, for now, I had to instead just enjoy whatever Brandon had to offer.  I needed to get my mind set on having fun with this little fling—because that was what it was, and I wasn’t going to let myself be hoodwinked by the new romance bug that had infected me.  I needed to realize and accept that this was a passing thing and just relish it while I was in the moment.  Deep down I knew that, no matter what Brandon said and no matter his reassurances to the contrary, these thingsneverlasted.  Sure, urban legends told us they did, but I knew better.  I needed to only look at what I considered the most famous, most successful cougar romance in recent history—Demi and Ashton.  Their story was so sweet, so endearing, and it appeared that they would last forever.

Until they didn’t.

And then he dumped her for—surprise, surprise—someone his own age.

I couldn’t let myself believe otherwise.  Enjoy the ride but know you’ll be tossed off at some point.

That too required a little letting go.  But I could do it.  I convinced myself I’d gotten good at that over the years.

 

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